evenkeel

It's been a while since I've posted here but I need to vent a little. FIL lost his battle with liver failure due to alcoholism on Monday. I was at the hospice center with my wife during most of his last few days and was there when he passed. Luckily, his last few days and his actual passing were very peaceful so it wasn't harder on the family than it needed to be.

With my wife's own issues with alcohol I had the stupid thought that maybe watching her father literally die of its effects would teach her something. Apparently not. All she could talk about this evening at his visitation was how badly she wanted a beer. She said she was going to go out for "a few" afterward with her family and be home early because of the funeral early tomorrow. I told her to her face that I didn't believe her for one second, even after she tried to placate me with reasons why she shouldn't/wouldn't stay out late. Yup, she just crawled in the door at 2:30.

I know she's an adult, and I also know that quite a few people without alcoholism might choose to use alcohol to deal with a parent dying. It's smacking me in the face (again) how dysfunctional this whole family is about alcohol. The family has put a beer in his casket. The family got flowers from the local Budweiser facility, not because anyone works there, but because he was such a regular, heavy customer. More than a few times in the last two weeks my stomach has turned when hearing my pregnant sister-in-law say "I want (a certain drink, a beer, etc) really badly!" My MIL even offered her a glass of wine after she said it about ten times in ten minutes. Really?!?!?! Now, I know one glass of wine isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world during pregnancy, but seriously? The whole family is going out this evening to "drink for him" because he "would have wanted it that way". I've heard all sorts of rationalizing about his alcoholism, and downplaying the fact that it caused his death.

So, yeah. I know that I was stupid to hope his death would teach anyone anything. I know that I'm stupid for thinking things will ever permanently change with my wife, and for not accepting long before now that regardless of how infrequently my wife binge drinks there's still major potential there for her to end up just like her dad. I'm coming to realize that there's a good chance she will. The cycle is NEVER going to break with this family.

I've also come to the realization that her drinking is affecting me in other ways again and I'm letting it happen. No, she's not drinking as much as she has but it's still an issue. She's become very close with someone who is obviously an alcoholic. This person ends up on our couch after drinking with my wife on Friday and Saturday nights a lot. She had an OWI a few weeks ago. Last weekend her purse was stolen from my wife's car while they were out drinking. Stupid me was out in the bar parking lot at 2:30 am trying to find it, mostly so wife wouldn't get her own OWI driving back to the bar to look for it after they discovered it was gone. Never mind that the friend was supposed to have had her own way home that evening (she lives out of town) and it "fell through". My wife criticizes her (behind her back) for her alcohol issues but doesn't recognize her own.

I just need to get the backbone not to accept it. She's been telling me "My dad's dying, I need a drink" and now it's "my dad died, I need a drink". I pointed out the idiocy of the first statement a few times but not again for a while. It's very frustrating because that's been her excuse for everything, and she and I had it out yesterday about life being difficult not giving you a free pass to cease being a functioning adult. I am just venting here, and I know what I need to be doing, but thanks for letting me get it out....