Why did I think it'd make a difference?

Old 03-11-2011, 01:54 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Iowa
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Why did I think it'd make a difference?

It's been a while since I've posted here but I need to vent a little. FIL lost his battle with liver failure due to alcoholism on Monday. I was at the hospice center with my wife during most of his last few days and was there when he passed. Luckily, his last few days and his actual passing were very peaceful so it wasn't harder on the family than it needed to be.

With my wife's own issues with alcohol I had the stupid thought that maybe watching her father literally die of its effects would teach her something. Apparently not. All she could talk about this evening at his visitation was how badly she wanted a beer. She said she was going to go out for "a few" afterward with her family and be home early because of the funeral early tomorrow. I told her to her face that I didn't believe her for one second, even after she tried to placate me with reasons why she shouldn't/wouldn't stay out late. Yup, she just crawled in the door at 2:30.

I know she's an adult, and I also know that quite a few people without alcoholism might choose to use alcohol to deal with a parent dying. It's smacking me in the face (again) how dysfunctional this whole family is about alcohol. The family has put a beer in his casket. The family got flowers from the local Budweiser facility, not because anyone works there, but because he was such a regular, heavy customer. More than a few times in the last two weeks my stomach has turned when hearing my pregnant sister-in-law say "I want (a certain drink, a beer, etc) really badly!" My MIL even offered her a glass of wine after she said it about ten times in ten minutes. Really?!?!?! Now, I know one glass of wine isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world during pregnancy, but seriously? The whole family is going out this evening to "drink for him" because he "would have wanted it that way". I've heard all sorts of rationalizing about his alcoholism, and downplaying the fact that it caused his death.

So, yeah. I know that I was stupid to hope his death would teach anyone anything. I know that I'm stupid for thinking things will ever permanently change with my wife, and for not accepting long before now that regardless of how infrequently my wife binge drinks there's still major potential there for her to end up just like her dad. I'm coming to realize that there's a good chance she will. The cycle is NEVER going to break with this family.

I've also come to the realization that her drinking is affecting me in other ways again and I'm letting it happen. No, she's not drinking as much as she has but it's still an issue. She's become very close with someone who is obviously an alcoholic. This person ends up on our couch after drinking with my wife on Friday and Saturday nights a lot. She had an OWI a few weeks ago. Last weekend her purse was stolen from my wife's car while they were out drinking. Stupid me was out in the bar parking lot at 2:30 am trying to find it, mostly so wife wouldn't get her own OWI driving back to the bar to look for it after they discovered it was gone. Never mind that the friend was supposed to have had her own way home that evening (she lives out of town) and it "fell through". My wife criticizes her (behind her back) for her alcohol issues but doesn't recognize her own.

I just need to get the backbone not to accept it. She's been telling me "My dad's dying, I need a drink" and now it's "my dad died, I need a drink". I pointed out the idiocy of the first statement a few times but not again for a while. It's very frustrating because that's been her excuse for everything, and she and I had it out yesterday about life being difficult not giving you a free pass to cease being a functioning adult. I am just venting here, and I know what I need to be doing, but thanks for letting me get it out....
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Old 03-11-2011, 04:42 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
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I'm sorry you are having to go through this and I am sorry for your wifes family and loss. My husband has stage 4 cirrhosis and is still drinking whenver his eyes & mouth are open. It is so frustrating to try and talk to an alcoholic and rationalizing with them is IMPOSSIBLE.

Hang in there, and keep reading & posting. This website is a Godsend!
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Old 03-11-2011, 06:04 AM
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Evenkeel. This must be so hard for you.
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Old 03-11-2011, 06:21 AM
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Yeah, the problem lies in trying to make sense of it. There is NO logic in an alcoholic's world, except what allows them to keep drinking.

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Old 03-11-2011, 06:46 AM
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Yup, it's so hard and frustrating to use logic in an illogical situation. It makes me crazy and frustrated, and out of control, when I try and show my husband how much trouble the alcohol is causing. All I can do is take care of me.

I can't control him. I don't make him drink. His drinking is his business.

How I react/handle it... is mine. Al-anon helps me with my business. Helps me to stay logical and detached from the illogical.

I remember 10 years ago, saying, "Well if this/that would only happen, then he'd see it!" When this/that happened, I'd say, "Okay! Now he's going to get it!" But he didn't. I had so many this/thats that I thought would get him sober, but they never did. I put up with the drunken shenagians, but I always said, "He touches me, I'm gone." Two weeks ago, he was drunk and grab me by my throat. I even thought, "OK! This is it - this is gonna get him to see the light!" A week later he was drunker than ever before... because he just doesn't see it.

Time for me to take care of me. I've set my boundaries of what I will and won't accept. I won't accept physical abuse so I'm making an exit plan. I've contacted my attorney, friends and family and getting my support ready. Do I think this is going to make him "see it"? Honestly, I don't care if it does or doesn't. I'm making this decision for me and my children.
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