Forgiving..... Been thinking more. And realized a couple things, that I didn't address the forgiveness part of the post and all I've come to SR for is when I'm dealing with XAH. But there are other As in my life.... An 'uncle' (mom's long time BF - long story), his daughter, my XAH's niece (not sure she's still my niece after this past year)....
I can and have forgiven my RA uncle, A cousin and XAH's niece. No step 9's from them.... I think I can forgive my xSIL for never being there to help me in my struggle with XAH, even though she saw and knew, for dropping me after telling me she'd always wanted a sister.
XAH....
I get how forgiveness is for me, not him. I know I can't do it yet. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. I may be able to stop thinking about him and life with him... Forgiving him looks incredibly far away, IF it's possible.
I know I'll have my own amends to make as I work through the steps....