((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
LonesomeD, would you be willing to try Alanon/therapy? this is super tough stuff and we all need a support system to get us through the turmoil, guide us to more tranquil shores where we can get more clarity.
Regarding the "public view", I divide them in 3 sets
-the ones that are too busy with their own issues to give a damn
-the ones who judge me, people that are not worth my time in the first place
-the ones who can know my reality and can offer me strength, experience, wisdom, hope, company, healing, new ideas, laughs, compliments, etc (since I recognize and talk with the members of this group my life has changed)
After all its your life, and you have the power to choose how you live it. No one else has that power. It is yours. It is not too late. And you can allow warmth in your heart again, if you decide that is what you need.
Please keep reading/posting as we care very much (as Laurie says)