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frozen

Old 03-09-2011, 01:17 PM
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frozen

Why do I feel so frozen in inaction.
She works, she does a few things around the house, she mainly hides the drinking and drinks alone and almost daily a few beers and a bottle of wine.
She admits she's an addict and knows it's a serious problem but refuses to
consider doing anything that would threaten her relationship with drinking.

But it's getting worse. All the wine bottles stashed in "hiding places", the neglect of home and kids. Sometimes the most ridiculous fits and hateful rages....family finances a train wreck. And now, she's smoking dope too.
Good Lord, we have three teenagers in the house that have been taught
to avoid dope. It's like she's trying to play the role of the troubled teen daughter and I'm the parent she's rebelling against. WE"RE IN OUR FORTIES, for Gods sake.

We live mostly like we don't acknowledge this is happening. No one wants to see our realities pour out into public view. We don't want the kids to suffer any of the pain and humiliation. So it goes on and gradually things degenerate further... I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't want to go home. I can't leave.
I can't tell anybody. I feel like some very bad things are going to happen.
I'm suppose to be helping other people with their problems.

Thanks for listening. I know some of you can relate.
It's warm outside but I'm still frozen.
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Old 03-09-2011, 01:31 PM
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((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

LonesomeD, would you be willing to try Alanon/therapy? this is super tough stuff and we all need a support system to get us through the turmoil, guide us to more tranquil shores where we can get more clarity.

Regarding the "public view", I divide them in 3 sets

-the ones that are too busy with their own issues to give a damn

-the ones who judge me, people that are not worth my time in the first place

-the ones who can know my reality and can offer me strength, experience, wisdom, hope, company, healing, new ideas, laughs, compliments, etc (since I recognize and talk with the members of this group my life has changed)

After all its your life, and you have the power to choose how you live it. No one else has that power. It is yours. It is not too late. And you can allow warmth in your heart again, if you decide that is what you need.

Please keep reading/posting as we care very much (as Laurie says)
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Old 03-09-2011, 01:39 PM
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Hi, LonesomeD,

You are right--we can all relate. I can particularly relate to feeling frozen.

I second Al-Anon as a safe, supporting starting place.

And you'll get lots encouragement and support here, too.

Best to you...
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Old 03-09-2011, 01:52 PM
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Your post was almost poetic if not for sad.

I am sorry you are where you are.

You have choices. Even if you don't like them.

Alanon is your first step. You will be truly amazed after a few visits. It will feel like "home"-- a place to be at peace and know you are not alone.

Give it a try... you will clear your mind to a place where you can see clearly and know what you want to do from there.

It takes time. No doubt. But you can take time to get clear or you can take time to stay as frozen as you are.

The choice is ultimately ......Yours.......

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Old 03-09-2011, 02:14 PM
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Hi, LonesomeD. I can definitely relate. I really want to say thanks for this thread, too. I have been trying to describe, for myself mainly, how I felt the last few months/years living with and then after having left XAH. I always say/said "numb", but it really didn't fit. Frozen fits better. One would think living in AK, I would be able to come up with that word, but...

Yes, frozen fits much better for me. There are different stages to being outside in the freezing cold.
  • Being outside in the cold can be so exhilarating at first. Maybe that first breath is a little uncomfortable, the cold can take it away, but the world is shiny, clear, full of excitement.
  • I stay out a bit longer, maybe without the proper gear, and it can start to hurt a bit.
  • Say I then get somewhat adequate gear or just believe I have, and stay out, yeah, numbness can start to set in.
  • I plod along, numb, unaware of what I was walking through.
  • Then it warms up a little. Maybe the weather warms or I go inside for a bit. That hurts like h-ll: feelings returning.
  • I can go back to the freezing and it may not hurt as much right now, or I can 'thaw' and face the pain and heal....

I went back to the freezing conditions (living with XAAH or just ignoring the situation) again and again. I didn't understand why I was in so much pain now that I've left him for good. This definitely helps. I'm not sure if that helps any one else, but I hope it does. The analogies (like this and the recovery path) help me see and move along.
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Old 03-09-2011, 03:26 PM
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Hi LonesomeD--

Welcome to SR. Hopefully you already feel better that you got to tell your "secret" story. Living with an AW can turn you into a different person. Saying things are fine when they are not, for example.

My marriage of 16 years is totally on the rocks at this point, and all I can say is you are not alone. Not at all. Keep reading the threads on this site, and try to find an outlet to really talk about all this stuff. Alcoholism is progressive, and things almost always get worse over time, more drinking, more drama, etc.

Two concepts that helped me: 1) looking at my wife as a sick person who was mentally ill (God knows that's how she was acting most of the time - this helped me be more merciful; and 2) "Detachment" - the concept that I would protect myself by not reacting to what she did or said, rather, I sometimes viewed her as if I was watching someone else's life. Almost like a movie or something.

This is a good time for you to reconnect with yourself, the sane person who you used to be prior to AW's mayhem. I personally denied and minimized it, made the best of it, tried to have some good moments along the way -- but all of those coping mechanisms had a serious effect on my own attitude and self-image. It's tough.

Al Anon is great. It can be downright soothing. Good luck and God bless -- come back often!
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Old 03-09-2011, 03:58 PM
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Hey there,

I can relate to your strife, and certainly remember well those feelings.
It may be things will get worse before they get better, but they will get better.

Educate yourself about addiction (Start at the top of this page) and as you will always be advised here, try Al-Anon. This will help you and may influence your wifes own view of herself and her addiction.

When you say "I can't tell anybody" keep in mind that denial and secrecy are the main continuation mechanism of addiction.

We are here for you...
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Old 12-16-2013, 10:22 AM
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Is your wife an addict?

Abandon hope all ye who enter.

My wife's addiction destroyed our marriage.
She went from closet alcoholism, neglect of children and home, reckless destructive handling of finances, to getting a job, indulging addiction, finding new addictions (adderall) etc. etc. allowing herself to be used like a ***** and ultimately abandoning a 25 year marriage and three kids, so she can pretend to be a 20 something party ****...nice. I'm doing my best with my kids and we'll be okay.

My advice is this, to any guys that find themselves faced with an addict wife:


Collect plenty of data / evidence.
Talk to a good lawyer and get advice.
Chances are probably 90% + that things will NOT improve.
Set hard ultimatums quickly and firmly.
Call her out early , publicly, do not conceal her addictions...it helps no one.
Prepare to rebuild your life without her and treat the relationship as though she had died.

Me?...I'm not bitter.
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Old 12-16-2013, 10:41 AM
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Lonesome, your post breaks my heart. Ouch it hurts to read it. If it hurt me to read it, I cannot imagine living it. I don't have any advice, I don't have any experience. But I wanted you to know Im praying for you. And I'm so sorry you have to live that way. I would hug you I could.
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Old 12-16-2013, 10:55 AM
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*big man-hug with pat on the back*

We move on, keep on looking after ourselves and the children.
You did what you could, and more.

Thank you for coming back and sharing, by the way.
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