Your eyes are opening.
The light might seem too bright.
All you have to do is let your awareness grow until you can be strong and act from your needs and not his, not in reaction to him, not in revenge.
All you have to do is keep posting, look at life, what you want, etc.
It's not all going to crash in one day.
Keep posting. This forum is at least as helpful as alanon, if not more.
Be patient with yourself