SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Feelings: how do I know what I REALLY feel..
Old 03-09-2011, 09:17 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
blwninthewind
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
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We had an issue this morning.
he said he was attending a new mtg tonight and I asked if he'd be home late.
He responded that he would be home.
hmmmm
so I said okay.
he asked if I had plans that included him...I said no, just checking so I know what to tell the kids when they ask.
"oh well I thought I detected your dissapointment in me.....as usual"
I thought for a minute...then said (probably shouldn't have since he was baiting me) "I try not to expect anything, then I don't have to be disapointed..by ANYONE. I just don't like that your gone so much, even though I understand why"
he countered "do you?"
me... "yeah, I do. You blame me for everything"
and he stomped off.

Do I FEEL that is true? yup. Do I believe he is using it as a crutch for all his bad behaviors? YUP.
Here's the thing...was really thinking about it this morning.
Whether I'm disappointed in him/his behavior etc doesn't matter...those are MY feelings...the real question is the the cause effect relationship here.
I feel bad when he ignores the kids to do something he thinks will be more fun. Do my feelings matter? no really....
but does he do that? Does he ignore the kids to do something more fun? YES...
so why does it matter what I think? What matters is the fact he IS neglecting his kids.

I doubt I explained it well...but hope you got my underlying idea.

My real problem is that I'm married to a RAH who is still trying to be 20 yrs old. He doesn't pay attention to things like bills or home/kid responsibilities. He wants to go to his meetings...literally 7 days a week. Spend his hour @ the mtg and then 4-5 hours afterward "talking about my program" EVERY NIGHT. Weekends are worse..because he will literally go meet before the mtg, spend time w/ his buddies, then go to a mtg, go eat, drink coffee, hit another mtg., go eat dinner, and then hang out for another 4 hours...well there's the entire day!!!
He's gone days w/ hardly seeing the kids at all....and he doesn't see a THING wrong with it. When I object...he sees it as I'm interfering w/ his recovery.
WHAT RECOVERY??
the fact he doesn't have a beer in his hand, and I'm not cleaning up p$%% off the kitchen floor doesn't mean he's in recovery.
He's still away all the time, spending time w/ everyone but his family.
I just think I'm to the point that I'm realizing that alcohol was A problem....but not THE problem. the problem is I'm married to someone who doesn't really want the responsibility of a family/wife but wants all the perks (someone to cook, clean and take care of him when he WANTS it)...

So...how do I feel? USED, Manipulated, mistreated, ignored, alone and lonely (even when he is home he's on the phone w/ his friends)...

My real question is...will he change? He hasn't in all these years I don't think I should expect him to now. I don't think I want what he has to offer...and that isn't much as far as a valuable equal contributor to a relationship. If I wanted to take care of another child...I would have another...not be married to one.

So...do I really believe all that? yes.
Do I want that for myself and my kids? NOPE
Can I trust what I feel? I think I can.
So now what....do I just sit back and let it all happen until I can get him out of here in August (my graduation!)....or what can I do to make it a livable situation until then?
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Alone22 (03-09-2011)