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Feelings: how do I know what I REALLY feel..

Old 03-08-2011, 08:38 PM
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Feelings: how do I know what I REALLY feel..

...and when I'm just reacting/or wanting to punnish my RAH for hurting me emotionally?

I'm having a hard time this week.

I feel like I'm coping well...to a point.
I'm just having a hard time identifying what I feel and whether I truly feel that way or if it's just anger/hurt from him being such a jerk to me?

can ya'll tell me how you figured it all out?
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:54 PM
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You truly feel however you feel. If that's angry and hurt from him being a jerk, then that's how you feel. Feelings are not facts. They are just feelings. It's what you do with them that makes a difference. In other words, feeling angry and hurt is fine. Lashing out at him in order to alleviate those feelings is not, and will probably create worse feelings in the end.

I recall a Buddhist teaching that I read once that compared feelings to the tide. When you feel an overwhelming emotion, it's like waves washing over you. You can easily be swept out to sea if you are not grounded and steady. Let the feelings wash over you like a wave and keep your feet firmly planted. They will soon retreat, just like the wave and you will be okay. No action is necessary, just resolve.

L
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Old 03-08-2011, 10:46 PM
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Space

I think space helps a lot, if that is a possibility for you. Just having mental or physical distance has really helped me find my footing when I am awash in emotions.


Tomorrow is another day, and hope yours is better!
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Old 03-08-2011, 11:47 PM
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Figuring out how I feel has been a major project, and I'm still trying to figure it out most days. I just added to my thread introducing my kitty, and TuffGirl posted that I sound happy. I really had to stop... uh, yeah, I do feel happy. Amazing!

Sitting with the feeling, as wiser folks than I here at SR tell me to, helps me take the time to figure out how I'm feeling. Usually, the big 'umbrella' feelings (angry, sad, happy) are easier to figure out, but the underlying (uneasy, content, calm...) ones are more challenging.

I think it's natural to be angry and hurt that some one you care for is being a jerk. If that's how you're feeling, then that's how you're feeling.
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Old 03-09-2011, 04:24 AM
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A Buddhist friend of mine used to tell me to view feelings as strangers walking through a cafe where you're sitting down with a cup of tea. Just observe them. The strange lady talking to herself. The stressed mom with two small kids. The insecure teen with the black fingernails and too much eyeliner. Just watch them, let them be, let them walk through. And remember they're just strangers walking through a cafe, not friends or relatives you have to give a home to.

And thank you for reminding me of that story. I've been riding a wave of rage for almost a week here, and it's exhausting. For me. It ain't hurtin' the X-hole any.
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Old 03-09-2011, 05:48 AM
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I use an online journal (blogger) to write down how my day went, and they have these things called "tags" you can add to a post - and I add my feelings to that list.
I pick from the list I have, or add new ones if the ones I have don't seem to work quite right, and use as many as it takes until I feel I got all the jumble of feelings cataloged and labeled.

I've got some of the more general ones ("happy," "saddness," "angry," "lonely"), a few that might only make sense to me ("furniture," "borrowed"), and everything in between.
It helps me figure out exactly how I really am feeling. I will confess, too, sometimes I'll pick a few that I think I should be feeling, and then go see if I can make myself feel that way.

Half the ones labeled "empowered" or "resolution" are because I was convincing myself that I could do it, even though I didn't feel it at the time.
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:29 AM
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Emotions move....emote means move......I took a yoga class which helped to notice the feelings in my body and relax that part.....left that class instead of tense.....felt like mush.....This too shall pass......step work? I can't- He can- I'll let Him. Serenity prayer?
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Old 03-09-2011, 07:43 AM
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Space and distance... yoga, A LOT of time alone, therapy, Alanonic friends in SR and in real life, contact with HP (mostly done going to places where I can be in touch with nature), journaling, painting

Or even in the midst of it all you can turn inward and tune in to YOUR frequency.. I think just placing the question about who is he and who are YOU is a HUGE step forward.. I used to feel like a sponge absorbing everything about everyone around me... when I thought about ME I started thinking about my boundaries & independence from the feelings around me and it was HUGE!!!!!! to start thinking that way...
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Old 03-09-2011, 07:58 AM
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I have been thinking about emotions a lot lately - as I begin to train myself to stop being so reactionary. I didn't used to be like this...overly sensitive and grudge carrying. Keeping my club in my purse to beat my RAH with every time he did something I deemed wrong. He really hurt me, and he continues to really, really make me angry with his attitudes and perspectives - most of which are negative toward me and just plain ludicrous! And yes - I really do feel that hurt - often! Its how I choose to deal with it when I feel it that matters.

Sometimes I let it take control of me and I always regret it. When I let myself feel it - take a few moments to let it out (scream in private, cry, whatever) and then move on, I feel so much better and in control of myself.

Addiction is such a rejecting disease - meaning the addict rejects everyone close to them in some degree or another - and that hurts. But rejection of me is not a reflection of my self worth. I have to keep the focus there. And the emotions out of the picture entirely, even when I would just love to take that club out and beat him with it!



Like others, I have found little ways to occupy my mind doing things I enjoy. I also read a lot, and have several books with highlighted favorite passages that I read over and over. Sometimes I just sit and cry and be kind to myself because I am grieving and that's ok. Sometimes it helps to go do something nice for someone else. And when I do end up taking it out on the RAH, I make a point of apologizing for my behavior afterward, without one comment on HIS behavior. It is not appropriate to verbally vomit all over anyone, and I do my best to make amends when I relapse.
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Old 03-09-2011, 09:17 AM
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We had an issue this morning.
he said he was attending a new mtg tonight and I asked if he'd be home late.
He responded that he would be home.
hmmmm
so I said okay.
he asked if I had plans that included him...I said no, just checking so I know what to tell the kids when they ask.
"oh well I thought I detected your dissapointment in me.....as usual"
I thought for a minute...then said (probably shouldn't have since he was baiting me) "I try not to expect anything, then I don't have to be disapointed..by ANYONE. I just don't like that your gone so much, even though I understand why"
he countered "do you?"
me... "yeah, I do. You blame me for everything"
and he stomped off.

Do I FEEL that is true? yup. Do I believe he is using it as a crutch for all his bad behaviors? YUP.
Here's the thing...was really thinking about it this morning.
Whether I'm disappointed in him/his behavior etc doesn't matter...those are MY feelings...the real question is the the cause effect relationship here.
I feel bad when he ignores the kids to do something he thinks will be more fun. Do my feelings matter? no really....
but does he do that? Does he ignore the kids to do something more fun? YES...
so why does it matter what I think? What matters is the fact he IS neglecting his kids.

I doubt I explained it well...but hope you got my underlying idea.

My real problem is that I'm married to a RAH who is still trying to be 20 yrs old. He doesn't pay attention to things like bills or home/kid responsibilities. He wants to go to his meetings...literally 7 days a week. Spend his hour @ the mtg and then 4-5 hours afterward "talking about my program" EVERY NIGHT. Weekends are worse..because he will literally go meet before the mtg, spend time w/ his buddies, then go to a mtg, go eat, drink coffee, hit another mtg., go eat dinner, and then hang out for another 4 hours...well there's the entire day!!!
He's gone days w/ hardly seeing the kids at all....and he doesn't see a THING wrong with it. When I object...he sees it as I'm interfering w/ his recovery.
WHAT RECOVERY??
the fact he doesn't have a beer in his hand, and I'm not cleaning up p$%% off the kitchen floor doesn't mean he's in recovery.
He's still away all the time, spending time w/ everyone but his family.
I just think I'm to the point that I'm realizing that alcohol was A problem....but not THE problem. the problem is I'm married to someone who doesn't really want the responsibility of a family/wife but wants all the perks (someone to cook, clean and take care of him when he WANTS it)...

So...how do I feel? USED, Manipulated, mistreated, ignored, alone and lonely (even when he is home he's on the phone w/ his friends)...

My real question is...will he change? He hasn't in all these years I don't think I should expect him to now. I don't think I want what he has to offer...and that isn't much as far as a valuable equal contributor to a relationship. If I wanted to take care of another child...I would have another...not be married to one.

So...do I really believe all that? yes.
Do I want that for myself and my kids? NOPE
Can I trust what I feel? I think I can.
So now what....do I just sit back and let it all happen until I can get him out of here in August (my graduation!)....or what can I do to make it a livable situation until then?
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