Originally Posted by
Jako 
I have considered AA many times... I know it would be the best thing for me, but I guess I don't want to take such a drastic step because deep inside I feel like if I stop drinking and then kick the ativan and am sober for a good long time that I could someday be normal enough to not fall into this trap again.
It's so strange as I find myself saying things that a classic alcoholic would say and still not fully believe that I am an alcoholic that can never have a drink again. That whole thing about admitting it to yourself seems to make more sense now.
I can completely relate to this sentiment. It was both painfully obvious yet intensely surreal to finally & fully accept being an alcoholic.
I can also relate to the benzo/drinking cycle. I took 20mg/day of Valium for 10 years, ostensibly for anxiety, tho in truth much of that anxiety was of the nerve fraying hangover sort, courtesy of the night before. After one particularly disturbing black out (cops called to an office party, I remember nothing), I started wondering about the alcohol/benzo interaction, and stopped the Valium cold turkey about seven years ago. It was a scary & miserable withdrawal, but once thru it, I thought I fixed the issue, and figured I was in the clear to drink normally. That never happened. The drinking got worse, dragged on for years, and all the sorts of things those cautionary tales warn of began to happen. Best to get off this carnival ride while still alive.