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I need advice/support

Old 02-27-2011, 10:20 PM
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I need advice/support

Hello Everyone, here is my story...(sorry it's so long, but I feel like I need to get the whole story out)

I am 37 and drank heavily in college. After college, with no withdrawals, I reduced my drinking dramatically. It wasn't even a conscious decision so I don't believe at that point I was an alcoholic, although I certainly showed a strong liking for it.

Through my 20's and early 30's I probably drank too much, especially on the weekends, but again, I could stop for days and never felt any wds. Then I broke my arm in a car accident (not alcohol related). It was a bad break that required rods and pins and a long recovery process. So, I needed painkillers. And then I didn't need pain killers, but I was hooked. I took them for another 2 years or so. The pills started causing some serious side effects, so on the second attempt of tapering off of them I was able to quit. Throughout the time I took the painkillers I never had a drink.

A month or two after successfully quiting the opiates I felt great, was sleeping well and even exercising again. So, I went to a party and had a drink. Awwww, what a drink it was. It felt perfect. So, slowly but surely over the last 2 years I have been drinking more and more.

I went through a 4 or 5 month period where it got really bad. Every night I would drink at least 8 strong drinks. The thing is, the hangovers I was getting weren't that bad. It was odd. But all of sudden I was waking up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. Then, my hangovers started to get weird, they weren't the normal tired, sick, headache type. It was my nerves. I would get horrible anxiety, my heart would race, my arms would go numb. So, I finally told my doc about it all and that I wanted to stop drinking "for awhile" but was worried about sleep and severe wds. He prescribes me clonazepam and tells me to take 2 first two nights then taper over the next 5. I did that, but around day four I felt great and had some drinks. Well, I was right back in the same spot, but I made a discovery. All II had to do was take a clona in the morning and just like that the hangover was gone. I realized that benzos are like another form of alcohol, but I didn't care.

So, here I am for the last year going on binges for a week or a month and using ativan in the morning and middle of the night to sleep. Three or four times I have stopped drinking with the intention of not drinking ever again and tapering off the ativan, but I always start to feel better and start drinking before I taper off the ativan. It's a horrible cycle and now my health is truly crappy. I mean who wants to exercize or do anything good for your body when you are either drunk or on benzos. I haven't had a drink in two days, but I don't have horrible wd's because I am taking 2mgs of ativan a day to keep them away.

I really want to quit this time. I don't want to feel like **** anymore. I want to get my health and energy and joy for life back. My plan is to stay off the alcohol and taper the ativan over the course of three weeks. Anyway, thanks for listening.
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:30 PM
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Thank you for your honest share. I can so relate to the drinking part of your story. It will never get better, I promise you that. I would quit, then when I took that first drink it was a bigger snowball each time. You can do this one day at a time. You should consider AA or some kind of support system of your choice. There is all kindsa info. on this site relating.

We also have a cool chat group here if you wanna hang out and get support from others 'like us'.

Congrats on taking the first steps, again, you can do it, One day at a time.
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:41 PM
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I have considered AA many times. It's funny, because anyone who might read my story would agree that I am an alcoholic and have an addictive personality. I just have a hard time actually doing the AA thing. I know it would be the best thing for me, but I guess I don't want to take such a drastic step because deep inside I feel like if I stop drinking and then kick the ativan and am sober for a good long time that I could someday be normal enough to not fall into this trap again.

It's so strange as I find myself saying things that a classic alcoholic would say and still not fully believe that I am an alcoholic that can never have a drink again. That whole thing about admitting it to yourself seems to make more sense now.
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:46 PM
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welcome to SR Jako
You'll certainly find a lot of support here

I recommend you see a Dr tho - it's the best call for alcohol detox I think - especially if other drugs are involved as well.

D
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Jako View Post
I have considered AA many times... I know it would be the best thing for me, but I guess I don't want to take such a drastic step because deep inside I feel like if I stop drinking and then kick the ativan and am sober for a good long time that I could someday be normal enough to not fall into this trap again.

It's so strange as I find myself saying things that a classic alcoholic would say and still not fully believe that I am an alcoholic that can never have a drink again. That whole thing about admitting it to yourself seems to make more sense now.
I can completely relate to this sentiment. It was both painfully obvious yet intensely surreal to finally & fully accept being an alcoholic.

I can also relate to the benzo/drinking cycle. I took 20mg/day of Valium for 10 years, ostensibly for anxiety, tho in truth much of that anxiety was of the nerve fraying hangover sort, courtesy of the night before. After one particularly disturbing black out (cops called to an office party, I remember nothing), I started wondering about the alcohol/benzo interaction, and stopped the Valium cold turkey about seven years ago. It was a scary & miserable withdrawal, but once thru it, I thought I fixed the issue, and figured I was in the clear to drink normally. That never happened. The drinking got worse, dragged on for years, and all the sorts of things those cautionary tales warn of began to happen. Best to get off this carnival ride while still alive.
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:19 AM
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Hi Jako. As I was reading your post I was planning on telling you that it seems like you have an addictive personality, but you wrote that yourself so I'm glad you know that! It was scary when I read "Awwww, what a drink it was. It felt perfect." because alcohol for an alcoholic is like kissing a beautiful woman who beneath that perfect facade is the devil himself. That's how I look at drinking for myself. A deceptive liar that for some reason desperately wants to get me into it's grasp so it can ruin my life and make me a slave forever. This post might sound extreme, but from what I've experienced, it's not an exaggeration. Get away while you can, and definitely follow Dee's advice and talk with a doctor so you can safely detox from all that stuff. I wish you the very best!!!
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:40 AM
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Benzos and alcohol are very dangerous. You should definitely see a doctor about a safe medical detox. After your body is clear of both your anxiety will lessen and you will feel much better. I detoxed from both and was off all meds within a week. This is a progressive disease so you will use the benzos more or the alcohol but both are so bad. I ended up drinking 24/7 and when I absolutely had to be w/out, the benzos kept dangerous withdrawals from occuring. They also delayed my recovery and put me in some very dangerous/close calls with alcohol overdose.
You know you can do this so build a plan and just do it.
SH
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:55 AM
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Welcome to the family.
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:55 AM
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Jako, mornin. Thanks for your post !! Keep reading and posting here. I think you'll find a way for you to go. You'll find many different approaches to our common goal. AA did it for me.

Everybody here is on your side !!

Ron
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:22 AM
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Acceptance is the first step...glad you're here.
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:39 AM
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Welcome Jako,
Glad to have you here. I agree with Dee, see your doctor. This can be a vicious cycle but everyone here will help as much as possible. Finding a good program to work with has been invaluable to me. Find what works for you. There are many resources on this site.
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:46 AM
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It was both painfully obvious yet intensely surreal to finally & fully accept being an alcoholic.
This was it for me too. I was very aware of my alcoholism for years, accepting it was the key to taking action (finally).

Very well said Noble Cause.

Beth
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