I have considered AA many times. It's funny, because anyone who might read my story would agree that I am an alcoholic and have an addictive personality. I just have a hard time actually doing the AA thing. I know it would be the best thing for me, but I guess I don't want to take such a drastic step because deep inside I feel like if I stop drinking and then kick the ativan and am sober for a good long time that I could someday be normal enough to not fall into this trap again.
It's so strange as I find myself saying things that a classic alcoholic would say and still not fully believe that I am an alcoholic that can never have a drink again. That whole thing about admitting it to yourself seems to make more sense now.