I need advice/support
Hello Everyone, here is my story...(sorry it's so long, but I feel like I need to get the whole story out)
I am 37 and drank heavily in college. After college, with no withdrawals, I reduced my drinking dramatically. It wasn't even a conscious decision so I don't believe at that point I was an alcoholic, although I certainly showed a strong liking for it.
Through my 20's and early 30's I probably drank too much, especially on the weekends, but again, I could stop for days and never felt any wds. Then I broke my arm in a car accident (not alcohol related). It was a bad break that required rods and pins and a long recovery process. So, I needed painkillers. And then I didn't need pain killers, but I was hooked. I took them for another 2 years or so. The pills started causing some serious side effects, so on the second attempt of tapering off of them I was able to quit. Throughout the time I took the painkillers I never had a drink.
A month or two after successfully quiting the opiates I felt great, was sleeping well and even exercising again. So, I went to a party and had a drink. Awwww, what a drink it was. It felt perfect. So, slowly but surely over the last 2 years I have been drinking more and more.
I went through a 4 or 5 month period where it got really bad. Every night I would drink at least 8 strong drinks. The thing is, the hangovers I was getting weren't that bad. It was odd. But all of sudden I was waking up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. Then, my hangovers started to get weird, they weren't the normal tired, sick, headache type. It was my nerves. I would get horrible anxiety, my heart would race, my arms would go numb. So, I finally told my doc about it all and that I wanted to stop drinking "for awhile" but was worried about sleep and severe wds. He prescribes me clonazepam and tells me to take 2 first two nights then taper over the next 5. I did that, but around day four I felt great and had some drinks. Well, I was right back in the same spot, but I made a discovery. All II had to do was take a clona in the morning and just like that the hangover was gone. I realized that benzos are like another form of alcohol, but I didn't care.
So, here I am for the last year going on binges for a week or a month and using ativan in the morning and middle of the night to sleep. Three or four times I have stopped drinking with the intention of not drinking ever again and tapering off the ativan, but I always start to feel better and start drinking before I taper off the ativan. It's a horrible cycle and now my health is truly crappy. I mean who wants to exercize or do anything good for your body when you are either drunk or on benzos. I haven't had a drink in two days, but I don't have horrible wd's because I am taking 2mgs of ativan a day to keep them away.
I really want to quit this time. I don't want to feel like **** anymore. I want to get my health and energy and joy for life back. My plan is to stay off the alcohol and taper the ativan over the course of three weeks. Anyway, thanks for listening.