Hi Nolly,
When I was 28, I was desperate to start a family. I begged my then boyfriend to have a baby. He told me flat out that he couldn't. How could he take care of a baby if he couldn't take care of himself. I told him that I would take care of the baby.
So we had one.
For years, I lived in denial... thinking I could do everything, work, take care of the baby and pretend to the world that he was the best father.
In reality, he got worse. He quit his job, got involved in some stupid bar projects, and drank more and more. During this time, I isolated, went to work, put our daughter in daycare, and didn't complain. I never saw him, except on mornings on my way to work, I would see him crashed out on the couch stinking like a brewery.
Two years went by, and I foolishly married the creep, thinking this would change him.
I asked for a divorce two months after the marriage ceremony. He got violent. I asked again six months later. He promised to quit drinking.
I got pregnant again.
This time, it was worse. He was unemployed and crashed out on the couch all day. And I had to work and care for two children, while hiding my miserable life to the rest of the world. During the next year, his drinking got progressively worse; he turned from an occasional binge drinker to someone whose hands shook in the morning.
I know what it feels like to desperately want children. I just wish I had had more self-esteem to enable me to find someone who was worthy of me. I thought 28 was old. Now, at 40, I realize how young and desperate for love I was.