Dry Drunk Husband

Old 02-23-2011, 03:09 PM
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Dry Drunk Husband

Hi everyone,

First post here! I joined here ages ago but never posted just read.

Anyway bit of backround info. Married hubby nearly 4 years ago and he was in recovery when we met (about 2 years sober). I knew from the start he was an alcoholic. We had our problems as he is quite fussy about things and finds it hard to just go with the flow. Once something is planned it is set in stone with him.

Anyway we discussed having children (before we married) and he said yeah some day. I wasnt in the best of health when we first married and he said when I was better we would talk about it. Anywat fast forward a few years and I am all better. I am 34 so I said to him no more stalling its time to start trying. He freaked out and said he wasnt ready blah blah blah we need to wait another year and when I pushed him further he said he never wanted kids. My world collapsed and I moved back home to my folks.

He rang his sister and had a heart to heart with her and said he was scared of having children in case he turned out like his parents ( he had a terrible childhood). His sister said he would be a fantastic father. Anyway his sister played mediator and we finally decided to just leave it to fate. When it happened it happened. Oh but I wasnt allowed talk babies with him. This was all a few months ago.

Over the last few weeks his stress levels are getting higher and higher. He refuses to have sx with me sometimes and often doesnt produce the "goods". So after a massive argument this morning I sat him down tonight and said we need to talk. Yeah right. There is no talking to him he is just unable to express his feelings. So anyway he got upset at me when I brought up the baby topic as I know he has been stressing about me getting pregnant. He shouted at me " There will be no babies, I dont want children".

So here I am back to square one. Part of me does not want him to be a father to my children as the way he is he would make a child's life hell. Part of me thinks if we had a baby he wouldnt have time to obsess over the bed being made first thing in the morning (this is what argument was about this morning).

I just dont know what to do.... I am lost!
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Old 02-23-2011, 03:14 PM
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was this discussed before marriage about kids? if he is so sure on not having any, what are YOU gonna do about it? are you gonna go with it? stay? leave?

I guess i am asking is HOW IMPORTANT is this to you?
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Old 02-23-2011, 03:24 PM
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Yeah we discussed it and he said "yeah some day".

I have always wanted children... he knew that. I just don't know. He cant even see that he is not coping with life. He is white knuckle sober. Life has no joy for him. I asked him tonight about doing his 12 steps. (he started them but wont finish???) and he said there is no need as he has done them. So I asked him to tell me the steps. When he got to making a moral inventory and admitting his faults. He proceeded to tell me he had NO FAULTS. I asked him if he thought he was perfect then? He said yes.

This topic is not open for discussion. Unless of course I decide to leave then he will beg me to come back and make false promises again.

I dont think I can live like this anymore.
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Old 02-23-2011, 03:52 PM
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I would ask only this. Read your own post. Now ask yourself three questions: Would you advise any reasonable person to have children with this man? Would any reasonable person have reason to believe this man would be a good father? Does this man want children?

Now, I'll ask you a question. How many different ways does he have to tell you he does not want children before you will actually hear the answer?

Good luck.

Cyranoak
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:07 PM
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I know in my heart you are right. He is a good man though but I think you are right he is just not father material and I have to accept that. He doesnt want to lose me that is why he is afraid to be totally honest with me. I need to accept this and decide what I want.

Thank you.
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:08 PM
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I am married to an AH for 18 yrs. I can see how each new stressor and major responsibility caused an increase in drinking. Of course this makes sense since drinking is the coping mechanism. I remember when we had our 2nd daughter, the drinking increased to 4 a night. Now I think, 4 a night, what was I worried about? 15 yrs later he's up to 6-8/night.

I would worry that the increased stress of a child could trigger a relapse. Perhaps this is what he's trying to tell you. He may not be able to hendle the stress of a child.

The prospect of failure is much more acute in amy AH. Just the prospect of failure can cause increased drinking, negative thinking etc. If he's afraid he's going to fail as a father it can really do a number on his psyche that you can't fix.
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:51 PM
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And I'm sure you are right...

...that he is a good man. He sounds good to me, and sounds fairly self-aware too, but it's also crystal clear he does not want to be a father.

My mom, sisters, wife, and even my daughter would probably tell you that I'm a good man. They might even say I'm a good father. I can tell you now that I'm willing to accept the possibility I'm a good man, but I can definitively say I've been a terrible father.

Here's what I've given my daughter, and done so exceptionally well: food, shelter, clothing, and protection from her drunk mother. Now here's the rest of the truth-- the list of **** she's going through now because I was so controlling and critical would time this website out, so I won't even try.

She has so little self-confidence, so little self-esteem, and is so self-destructive that it breaks my heart. I was complicit in this. Me and my alcoholic wife. We did it together. And I did it stone cold sober.

When a man says he does not want to have kids, ignore him at your peril. When he does want kids, as I did, pray to God he'll be a good father.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by nolly View Post
I know in my heart you are right. He is a good man though but I think you are right he is just not father material and I have to accept that. He doesnt want to lose me that is why he is afraid to be totally honest with me. I need to accept this and decide what I want.

Thank you.
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Old 02-23-2011, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by nolly View Post
Part of me thinks if we had a baby he wouldnt have time to obsess over the bed being made first thing in the morning (this is what argument was about this morning).
Hi, Nolly. You know this is in no way true, right, that having a baby will suddenly make him less obsessive? That having a baby will make him realize how good he's got it and suddenly be .... better. Because, odds are, it won't. Having a newborn and trying to figure out how to be a parent is one of the most stressful things that I can think of, except for maybe having a newborn and an alcoholic partner who starts drinking again.

I'm only saying this because I did on some level think that having a baby with now XAH would make it better. That I would have a real family. It most definitely did not get better and I most definitely did not get a real family with XAH.

I did this dance. XAH said he wanted kids. Was he being truthful, or just saying what I wanted to hear (as it turns out, he is a master at that)? I don't know. I pushed. I lost one baby to the stress of dealing with him as he dealt with the stress of impending fatherhood by drinking. Sometimes I wish I'd left it there. I didn't. I pushed to try again. I begged.

I got pregnant again. He got worse. And worse. And worse. We had our beautiful, amazing DS. XAH got worse. And worse. And then he got a little better. And I begged for another baby. I begged. And then, oh, how could it get any worse? I don't think it could. I left. I went back, because he said he'd do better. He didn't. I finally left and haven't gone back.

Life was hard for me, but I'm freeing myself. I have scars, but I'm no longer Mrs. X. DS though, he is stuck. He can never, ever change who his father is: an alcoholic. I don't think he'll ever have a sober and non-abusive father. Dry for periods, maybe. But sober and involved, no. Not any time soon by the looks of it.

If XAH had said he didn't want kids when we were trying, I don't know if I'd have believed him. But from this side of the dance I would.

I don't know if any of that helps with your question. I'm not saying leave. I'm... I don't know. Maybe, just saying, I wish I'd really known what I needed from my relationship with XAH and then had been truthful with myself about whether or not he could meet me part way.

Take care and best wishes.
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Old 02-23-2011, 07:53 PM
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BTW, welcome to SR.
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Old 02-24-2011, 05:50 AM
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Thank you so much for all you replies. It has really helped me see things clearer. It is hard when you love someone and you have this fantasy in your head of being a happy family to see things as they actually are instead of how you want them to be.

So I have made a decision. Children with him are out of the question. Its not fair on anyone. Even if he came to me and said he wants a baby I do not want a baby with him. Our life would be hell. He would put too many expectations on a child and nothing would ever be good enough.

So all that is left is for me to decide what I want and need. I desperately want a family but even apart from that. Can I live my life never being able to please him. No matter what I do it is never enough.
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:47 AM
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Hi nolly and welcome (officially) to SR. I'm glad you decided to post.

I truly empathize with your desire to have children. I remember feeling the same thing when I met XAH. Before him, I didn't want anything to ruin my precious body, but after falling for him, I thought that he was a perfect father figure. Little did I know that the show he put on for me was a way to sucker me into his life. During our 6 years relationship, he was the one who asked me for children, but he did it so he could keep me with him. When I finally did give in and have my daughter, he turned around and told everyone, including me, that he never wanted another baby, and that since I "forced him into it", it was MY job exclusively to take care of our child. He also used our child as yet another excuse why he had to drink...

I see that you already realize your partner isn't father material. I'm so glad you've come to that realization instead of trying to force the issue and finding yourself coming back to the board a few years later, having to co-parent with a woefully inadequate former spouse and partner.

I think the last line in your last post is very honest and telling "No matter what I do it is never enough"...This is definitely not a person you want to bind yourself to...

As for that ticking biological clock, I have quite a few friends who became SMCs (single mothers by choice) and have never looked back. I know how strong that drive is, and I hope you realize that you do have other options.
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by nolly View Post
So all that is left is for me to decide what I want and need. I desperately want a family but even apart from that. Can I live my life never being able to please him. No matter what I do it is never enough.
Hugs, Nolly. Please remember to take care of yourself though this. It is a really hard decision and a hard dream to let go of, the Family that could be. Remember to take time, and as LaTeeDa tells me, sit with the feeling. Pamper yourself, even if it is some small way.
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Old 02-24-2011, 02:23 PM
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Having a baby that my AH wanted actually seemed to make him a lot worse! He has declined considerably since we had kids.
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Old 02-24-2011, 02:44 PM
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Hi nolly,
Welcome to SR. Here's my story. When my wife and I met and dated, we both wanted kids. Definitely 1 and maybe more. Probably more. For sure, 2...

Fast forward to now. My wife is an Alcoholic. We have a beautiful boy and he's 20 months old. She wants another baby. I will not give her another one. My hands are full with an AW. Their overflowing with a toddler and an AW. I would not want to bring another child into this world under my current AW and this is a very difficult thought for me to process.
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Old 02-24-2011, 04:28 PM
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Hi Nolly,

I don't know... something about your story is striking a chord with me...

I am also 34 and have no kids. I am dating an RA. We met when he first entered recovery but didn't start dating until he had over a year clean/sober. He is coming up on 2 years shortly.

One difference though between your RAH and my RA is that mine goes to 2 or 3 meetings a week and fills his time helping out guys that are currently going through recovery at the Mission where the treatment center is. He actively works his steps, especially step 12... and I really have no fear of him ever relapsing. I would never have started to date him if I believed even for an instant that he would relapse.

A major difference though is that he is 54 and has had 2 failed marriages. But he has no kids. This is for medical reasons and not lack of trying on his part (lol!). We have discussed kids and he says he thinks he is past the point in his life that he would want kids but I asked him what he would do if I DID get pregnant and he said he would be perfectly happy with that. I believe him.

I guess I'm also a little different than you in that I've never actively WANTED children. But for about the past year or so I also feel that I'm nearing the end of my *good* child bearing years and I've been thinking more and more about having kids...

I'm sorry that you're going through this with your husband. You didn't say specifically in your last post, but are you going to leave him? Or try to come to terms on living a life without children in it? Has he started drinking again? Does he go to AA meetings?

I really hope the best for you (both of us really)... please keep us updated on what happens...

HUGS!
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Old 02-25-2011, 05:28 AM
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Hi Nolly,

When I was 28, I was desperate to start a family. I begged my then boyfriend to have a baby. He told me flat out that he couldn't. How could he take care of a baby if he couldn't take care of himself. I told him that I would take care of the baby.

So we had one.

For years, I lived in denial... thinking I could do everything, work, take care of the baby and pretend to the world that he was the best father.

In reality, he got worse. He quit his job, got involved in some stupid bar projects, and drank more and more. During this time, I isolated, went to work, put our daughter in daycare, and didn't complain. I never saw him, except on mornings on my way to work, I would see him crashed out on the couch stinking like a brewery.

Two years went by, and I foolishly married the creep, thinking this would change him.

I asked for a divorce two months after the marriage ceremony. He got violent. I asked again six months later. He promised to quit drinking.

I got pregnant again.

This time, it was worse. He was unemployed and crashed out on the couch all day. And I had to work and care for two children, while hiding my miserable life to the rest of the world. During the next year, his drinking got progressively worse; he turned from an occasional binge drinker to someone whose hands shook in the morning.

I know what it feels like to desperately want children. I just wish I had had more self-esteem to enable me to find someone who was worthy of me. I thought 28 was old. Now, at 40, I realize how young and desperate for love I was.
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