Originally Posted by
nolly 
Part of me thinks if we had a baby he wouldnt have time to obsess over the bed being made first thing in the morning (this is what argument was about this morning).
Hi, Nolly. You know this is in no way true, right, that having a baby will suddenly make him less obsessive? That having a baby will make him realize how good he's got it and suddenly be .... better. Because, odds are, it won't. Having a newborn and trying to figure out how to be a parent is one of the most stressful things that I can think of, except for maybe having a newborn and an alcoholic partner who starts drinking again.
I'm only saying this because I did on some level think that having a baby with now XAH would make it better. That I would have a real family. It most definitely did not get better and I most definitely did not get a real family with XAH.
I did this dance. XAH said he wanted kids. Was he being truthful, or just saying what I wanted to hear (as it turns out, he is a master at that)? I don't know. I pushed. I lost one baby to the stress of dealing with him as he dealt with the stress of impending fatherhood by drinking. Sometimes I wish I'd left it there. I didn't. I pushed to try again. I begged.
I got pregnant again. He got worse. And worse. And worse. We had our beautiful, amazing DS. XAH got worse. And worse. And then he got a little better. And I begged for another baby. I
begged. And then, oh, how could it get any worse? I don't think it could. I left. I went back, because he said he'd do better. He didn't. I finally left and haven't gone back.
Life was hard for me, but I'm freeing myself. I have scars, but I'm no longer Mrs. X. DS though, he is stuck. He can never, ever change who his father is: an alcoholic. I don't think he'll ever have a sober and non-abusive father. Dry for periods, maybe. But sober and involved, no. Not any time soon by the looks of it.
If XAH had said he didn't want kids when we were trying, I don't know if I'd have believed him. But from this side of the dance I would.
I don't know if any of that helps with your question. I'm not saying leave. I'm... I don't know. Maybe, just saying, I wish I'd really known what I needed from my relationship with XAH and then had been truthful with myself about whether or not he could meet me part way.
Take care and best wishes.