Hey....
Just got home from my 3rd shift and I'm feeling honest, which can never be a good thing. J/k. I've been writing on LiveJournal lately. Under the name Csmcjewl in case anyone really cares.
Tonight at the meeting, I guess this has been bothering me. I was talking to Jeff who was standing there with Lisa...I casually asked him if he wants his wrench back and she was like..."oh, is this the one who came to your house that night?" I was soo embarrassed! I mean, where does he get off telling Lisa?? One of the "popular" clan? I mean, does that mean he told her I was high on Oxy too? Why not ya know? None of that anonimity stuff here! Let's just let all the secrets out of the bag! I was pretty shocked and embarrassed...at the time I just kinda shrugged it off but I mean, honestly...how am I supposed to get anywhere in the program with Jeff telling people the crazy things I do? Yeah, just don't do them..well, I'm not now. But still, I don't want anyone to know I did oxy!! Ya know?
Anyways, tonight I had a wierd night. I managed to avoid Christina all day so I made it to the meeting alone. I was feeling pretty damn good while I was there. People were responding to me, I was talking to people...it was good. Until the end and the Jeff thing and it kinda spoiled my mood and put me in a funk ya know? I don't like the idea that people that didn't really like me to begin with now know I did oxy a few weeks ago.
Then 3 wierd things happened. 1. I read my diary from last October, mistake. It took me right back and made me start thinking again about time gone past. 2. Tonight at the meeting Jeff had mentined Mike, that guy who, on New Years wanted to hold my hand, remember? He had been drunk at the meeting and him and Jeff almost got into a fight over it. It was crazy, but it was the first night I talked to Jeff. 3. Dave told me Scott (living with Neil in CA) is coming and will be here Thursday for the weekend to see his sisters wedding. Between those three occurances all happening yesterday it really just kinda made me feel funny. Too many parts of my past all creeping up on me in one day. Scott will be here this weekend. I haven't seen him since he left 2 weeks after Neil. I don't even really want to see him because I know it'll be a good weekend and then we'll have to say goodbye again. I don't want anymore Goodbyes!!!! I'm sick of them! I'm sick of missing people! I'd rather he just leave once and stay gone rather than keep up with this tourture of leave, come back, leave, come back....I just can't take the stress! Hello, abandonment issues....
I don't know, I shouldn't let it get to me but I do. My sponsor actually cornered me today and wants to get together with me. It's funny cause I've been so ready for so long to do the 3/4th steps that now I don't feel ready again. Is that wierd? Is that ok? I just want a sponsor to talk to really. I don't know if I can handle doing steps this weekend. I just feel like Scott is like bringing home a piece of Neil, ya know? Like, he lives with him..he sees him day in and day out, I'm jealous. At some point in the weekend I'm going to corner Scott and ask him how Neil's doing. How he's really doing, not just what Neil will tell me.
I don't know...I just don't know if I can handle this. I haven't cut myself in months yet right now I feel myself struggling. Everytime i feel like I'm starting to lose control in my head I cut myself to kinda centralize the pain. Does that make sense?
Anyways, I'm going to go....I'm writing to myself on here anyways, I may as well just stick with the livejournal.
Bye
Stacey