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Stacey's Ongoing Dysfunctional but Sober Life!

Old 07-15-2004, 08:38 PM
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Stacey's Ongoing Dysfunctional but Sober Life!

Hey,

Finally! 2 days off work! Finally! And no parents for 3 days! My life couldn't get any better than this!
Just kidding, I'd like to be that happy! Ya know, it's funny...when ya get sober and things get dysfunctional. That's where I'm at...I'm sober and dysfunctional to the Enth degree. Dave and I were having a talk about how I get so far in recovery but I can't seem to go any further because I just don't know how to. Like, with my dad...I've certainly figured out that his relationship with me is bad. But you can't just not talk to your dad right? I know I should say something to him but, where do I start? And why bother if it wouldn't do any good? It's all about how I interpret it right? But then, one side of me goes...How you interpret emotional abuse?? Isn't that an oxy-moron somehow?
Anyways, yeah....Dave and I are on our way over to his friend Eric's house for a bonfire. It's kinda wierd cause I haven't been to a bonfire since I've been sober. It was always our summertime drinking activity. It's only the 3 of us and Eric is ok with not drinking so...it should be ok. It's still going to remind me greatly of times where it would've been Neil and Scott going also. It's wierd cause I would've thought so little of it then and so much of it now.
Dave was asking me about Neil last night. I told him I was at a standstill with him because 1 of two things were going to happen. 1. I end up realizing that he really is bad for me or he goes away from me like Shane, which would just kill me or 2. Dave and I eventually end up in a divorce after many excrutiating months of fighting and arguing about him. So, I stay his friend because that's what is most benifitial to me at this point even though there is still attraction there. I never want to go where I was before so i'm just going to see how things turn out. I know I don't have it even in me to let him go though. I really do love him even though I shouldn't. It's just not in me to think about losing another friend at this point.
Then, there is the issue of cutting myself. Sigh....i don't know where to go with this one. It's how i deal with all the dysfunctionality in my life.
Tomarrow I get to see Jeff. My window actually stopped rolling up today though so, i figure I have a good lead in to at least keep talking to him normal. So...that's going to be interesting. Christina, my mom and my brother are all going too. Then we're going to the Corn Festival. Yes, indeed, you read that right. The CornFestival. Ah, the trivial lives in Mid-Michigan.
But....it's bonfire time. I'll try not to reminisant about drinking too much, I want to still be able to have sober bonfires. No one is going to be drinking so...I think I'll be ok.
Stacey
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Old 07-17-2004, 12:56 AM
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God am I ever stupid sometimes. I'm hiding out from myself from this point on.
I snorted Oxy. I was at the cornfest around beer and got frusterated and bullied into it. How Damn stupid can I be?
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:32 AM
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Hey, there,
Corn festival? Well, around here we have a pear festival, a crawdad festival, an asparagus festival, and we're just an hour from the garlic festival. This is Northern California, after all. Of course, there's plenty of corn--field, sweet, and pop--grown locally, too. And almonds and walnuts are big crops, but we don't have festivals for them.

Dave and I were having a talk about how I get so far in recovery but I can't seem to go any further because I just don't know how to. Well, not drinking is the key, and you seem to have that part down.

In the other thread you were talking about the last meeting being unsatisfactory, and you don't seem to have made contact with your sponsor. I don't know--she tells you to call her; do you? Do you want to continue in AA by doing the steps, or do you just want to go to the meetings for the support they provide? Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with the latter; I have no idea how long it takes most people to start, do, or complete the steps. Again, it would be helpful if others here would comment about this.

You seem very resolute about not drinking, though you get upset about having urges. Urges are perfectly normal; I'd be surprised if anyone on these forums hasn't had urges since quitting. Have you noticed that you don't get them as often, or as intensely, as you used to? Putting behavior behind us can be a bumpy process but it gets easier over time.

Like, with my dad...I've certainly figured out that his relationship with me is bad. But you can't just not talk to your dad right?

Well, actually you CAN just 'not talk' to your dad if that's what you choose to do. But more to the point, you can set the terms of your relationship. It is hard to do with our parents. We can do it gently or brusquely, but we can still do it. The nature of your relationship is yours to choose, and you might find it liberating to start setting some boundaries. You can tell your mother and get her help, or you can talk directly to him. Or you can write him a letter. Or you can take the easy way out and move further away. (I'm still trying to imagine a real estate market where you can buy anything for under $100,000! The median price of a home in this city just hit $500K.)

My parents, who I love dearly, live 500 miles away--a perfect distance, as we've both found! But my father is showing early signs of dementia, and he's calling way too often (once he figured out the cell phone my brother got him we all kind of regretted the decision...). So I have to gently end the conversations. No, at 80 I doubt if he'll get the message. But I just persist, and call him back when it's convenient and I can talk more.

Obviously, my relationship with my folks isn't, um, unhealthy in the way yours has been. But the point is: while our parents don't want us to grow up, they do have to respect it. (A lesson I'm reminding myself of now that I'm in the middle, with elderly parents and one kid who just graduated high school....)

1. I end up realizing that he really is bad for me or he goes away from me like Shane, which would just kill me ...
No it wouldn't. It might make you sad, but it wouldn't kill you. Really. Not even metaphorically.

Then, there is the issue of cutting myself. Sigh....i don't know where to go with this one. It's how i deal with all the dysfunctionality in my life.
Yes, that seems to be one way of describing it. As I said a while ago, one of the reasons this issue interests and concerns me is that my son was doing it, so I had to learn about this behavior first-hand and fast. My concern was that it might escalate. Well, he cut himself when I (or my wife) drank to excess. When I (we) quit, he stopped. But the counselor we talked with and the material I read all pointed to the same ideas that were on those web links I provided on the other thread. That cutting is a way of coping with distress, that self-harmers get an adrenalin rush from the action, and that it can become increasingly compulsive.

Finding other ways to cope, dealing with the stress factors if possible, and developing techniques for deflecting the urge to cut (much as with drinking) seem to be the recommended approaches. So it seems to be important to face the things you are upset or anxious about, but also to have strategies for what you're going to do (call someone, do something else) when the urge strikes.

In my son's case, as he and I became closer we realized that he had felt very, very isolated in our family, and his school experience was becoming a disaster (he's now doing independent study, with me as his teacher). He also had been getting attracted to the other 'loners' and self-described outcasts among his acquaintances. He felt apart from groups (sound familiar?), from his family, and from the people he thought were normal.

Having a counselor turned out to be very helpful, but even more important was the feeling of belonging and the ability to communicate with me. And having one good friend who also cut herself who he could talk to. An interesting side-effect was that as both of them resolved their stresses and quit cutting, the friendship drifted away. They both kind of realized they weren't close anymore, and it was much harder for the girl to accept than it was for my son (sound familiar?!).

I don't know if AA can help you feel less isolated. Take a look at those web links I provided and see if there's something there we can talk about. I don't know if you can resolve the issues in your family that lead to stress, so finding ways to accept them and to build your own separate life may prove paramount.

Bonfires are one of our favorite pastimes here (advantage of rural living...). My son gets to fulfill his normal adolescent pyromania, and I enjoy them much more now that I can see them clearly.

Talk to you soon,
Don S
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:36 AM
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I guess I should clarify myself. Have you ever had one of those friends that makes you into someone your not when you're with them? Christina is like that for me. She talks and acts a certain way and we've known each other since we were 11 so, whenever I'm with her I can't help but kinda be that person that was her best friend. We act like we're 15 again. She's boy crazy and does stupid things. She just broke up with her ex. supossedly and when we went to the cornfest tonight he literally stalked us down and Christina was trying to get ahold of some oxy from him. I was just kinda like...whatever you want to do. I was inwardly annoyed as hell though cause everytime I go out with her, he ends up somehow tagging along and ruining things. I thought once they were broken up, that wouldn't be the case but....yeah. So, I had a couple of guy friends from way back that were going to meet us out by the entrance of the beer tent. They were going to come out and walk around with us for awhile. Well, about that time her b/f shows up saying he's taken a zillion drugs and drank 10 beers and he thought he was going to die. aka: getting sympathy from Christina and he tried to get her to ride with him back from 7-11 to the fair with him. I mean, it was just pissing me off. I was sitting in my car waiting for them to stop talking in the parking lot. Finally she gets in all pissed off like...Ok, he's not giving me any...lets go. So then i'm put in this position to take off or wait cause I don't know how serious she is. Well, I take off back to the fair cause I'm supposed to meet these guys at 11. Well, low and behold, guess who follows us? Surprize Surprize. We're standing by the fence to the beer tent and Christina sees him go walking past and runs off to stop him. Leaving me sitting there waiting for these guys. Well, she doesn't come back and I end up standing there by the beer tent for almost a half an hour. By this point, I was totally pissed off and frusterated at the night and after watching all these people getting drunk and hearing Christina say over and over, all I want is a buzz, I was just about over the edge. So, when they finally call me over they are sitting there eating nachos to which Christina says she has to go to the bathroom and hands me her nacho's and goes into one of those portapotty thingys. Well, her b/f follows her in there! Leaving me, once again standing alone outside the beer tent holding their nachos! Once they finally come out of there I'm like...ok, I gotta get going back and Christina asks if we can walk over to his van for a minute. I was like..fine, sure...it's on the way out. I swear her b/f could not have walked slower if he was crawling!! I really dislike him. Well, they get there and get this oxy all cut up on the mirror they stole from the potty thingy. Christina asks me if I want to try a little. I was thinking they had a little pill or something and after my toothache I was like...ya know, maybe it would take care of it if I just took a little bit of it. Well, turns out they already had it cut and ready to snort. So, her b/f lines a little teeny line up for me and I ended up doing it. I just went...what the hell...that little bit looks harmless, what can it possibly do to me except cure my killer toothache. It's the same stuff my dentist would give me if he knew the pain I'd been in for days! Right? Well, I didn't really feel very much but then on the way home we got this stupid idea. My window has been acting up and we were heading home by the poedunk country way and my window actually broke, the handle fell off. Well, it was helped by Christina jumping on it but she wantd to see jeff and I had this bright idea that he could fix it so she broke it. Yeah....I'm sure...we were fine! So, we go knocking on Jeff's door at 12:30am and he opens it in a bathrobe and I'm pretty much like...wow, this is the stupidist thing i'd ever done. Of course, that didn't occur to me then...at the time I was just having great fun right? So, I apoligize and ask if he can get my window to roll up. He ends up coming out and hooking a wrench to it and rolling it up for me. He seemed kinda pissed, rightfully so...but I did really appreaciate it! Well, come to find out after we left I reached down and he actually left the wrench on my door so I could roll the window down and up so...that was actually really cool. Then we headed back here, to my house and sat in the computer room playing on here. I just took Christina home and it's only now that I'm really feeling like an idiot. I don't know....it's hard to tell what I was thinking beyond, when I'm with Christina, stupid stuff happens. I mean, I still have my sobriety. We've been over that a million times. There is a difference in my life between being sober and being clean. They are most certainly different things in my brain because they take different motivations and different outcomes. Everything is just different but they are both bad. So, I'm still sober but I can't say I'm clean. I'm not sure oxy is even considered a drug yet it's so new...I don't know. I don't even really know what it is honestly. Yeah, that's how stupid I am. I snort something white that looks like crack but I'm assured is an oxy and somehow that makes it 'ok' for me....? I don't understand. I just need to get the hell away from Christina. She is such bad news for me. Anyways, now I'm here...getting ready to go to bed. I'm mortified about how I acted in front of Jeff. Right before I left though when I thanked him he like looked deep into my eyes. I'm not being wierd but I may have been being paranoid because I felt as though he could see right through me. I felt like with that one look he knew I was on something, maybe I was just being paranoid but...wow, that look really scared me. I didn't want him to know, I didn't want to be there at that point. I don't know...it's just wierd. I'm so mortified about him though, twice now...two times making an idiot out of myself. I'm just not going to talk to him and take some time to make myself sane again. So...there's my explanation....sigh....that's all I can say....sigh...I jsut don't know anymore. I don't know what to think about tonight...I don't even feel like cutting myself for 'punishment' or whatever...I just feel kinda numb.
Stacey
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:37 AM
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Ok, our posts crossed. And now I feel very middle-aged. What the heck is oxy? Oxycontin?
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:45 AM
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I think your life will be immeasurably simpler if you firmly abstain from any illicit drugs of any kind, Stacey--pot, oxy (whatever it is!), or otherwise. If you need pain killer for your teeth, the dentist can provide them or you can buy topical ointments at the pharmacy. If all your friends know that you just don't do any of those drugs, it will become a nonissue.

Of course, hanging out with someone who "say[s] over and over, all I want is a buzz," is putting yourself in one of those situations that you should be planning for--either by avoiding the situation in the first place (best plan!) or by just leaving when it begins to compromise your decision to abstain from all drugs.

It seems to me that you're anxious about how they'll react if you say no. Don't worry about that!
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:51 AM
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I snort something white that looks like crack but I'm assured is an oxy and somehow that makes it 'ok' for me....? I don't understand.
In my opinion, you accepted the drug because you were afraid or anxious about how your friends would react. I believe that our behavior is caused by our beliefs, and I think this really illustrates it. The other beliefs you mention--that it isn't like drinking, that it is safe because it isn't crack--aren't particularly rational; you know that. Strengthening your belief that drugs aren't part of your life is a good longterm goal. Deciding how you're going to avoid the next situation, or deal with it, is an important short term goal.
Getting some sleep might be the first step, though!
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Old 07-17-2004, 03:32 AM
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Yes....sleep would be good. It's 6:30am now...I'm awake because of my tooth...sigh, it's not even the same one. It's like they have all formed a coallition in my mouth and are demanding repair Now. hehe...I took 2 advil....I'm waiting for that to kick in so I can get some sleep. I hate my teeth, too bad I need them.
Yeah...It's wierd because normally around anyone else I stick so firmly to my beliefs. i've been getting so good at that. It's just Christina.....I haven't seemed to have learned how to just stay away from her and say no. She know's I don't drink but that doesn't seem to phase her having it around me. I guess it's really just my issue and learning when I need to leave a situation. She's not going to be the one to change and I shouldn't expect her to. Sigh, I've never snorted anything before in my life up till tonight. It was wierd. I've never done anything but alcohol and pot....and yeah, sorry... I was talking about oxycotin.
Ahh.....my teeth...they hurt. I think I'll try taking the more normal approach next time though...I'm going to call the dentist Monday and ask about something.
Thanks again....I'm just feeling lousy now...I think my guilt is starting to settle in...
Stacey
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Old 07-18-2004, 08:29 PM
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Hello,
Well, I've scraped myself off the floor. It's taken me a couple of days but, I feel revived abit. I went to the meeting tonight and after much deliberation I decided to tell Jeff the truth. I told him he could take his wrench back from my car and he told me to take it. I kinda laughed and said I didn't deserve to have it. He asked why and I started stampering. It's funny cause I DON'T stamper. I'm never without words. He asked if I'd relapsed and I said...no, yes..uh..no...uhh.... lol. But, I ended up just laying the truth on him. He walked me out to my car and we talked. He told me to stay away from Christina. I told him I know I know....He said he has an old best friend that lives around the corner from him that he doesn't speak to anymore. That actually meant a lot to me. I mean, it was like he said...I understand how hard it is. He told me not to get messed up in the drug scene. Yelled at me for being around the beer tent...blahblah. I said I know...a lot. But, mostly, I apoligized. I seem to spend a lot of time apoligizing to him actually. He was very sweet. He said he'd check the junk yard for me for a spare window turner thingy and he'd pick it up and I could just pay him back. I also confronted him about asking him for coffee. He apoligized and said he had a million things on his mind that night and just really didn't hear me. I told him I cried and called him a bastard. hehe....He gave me like 3 hugs. I told him I wasn't 13th stepping, I didn't mean to give the wrong impression. So...yeah, he was just really cool about it. I felt like 1000 times better after talking to him. I still wish I had more time to really talk sometimes though ya know? I always feel like I'm working my way through an agenda and that I never just relax and talk about nothing, it's always something. I need to learn to just relax and get rid of Christina! She totally expects me to be her little druggy friend now and I really can't do that. It's so tempting because the high was really good, I won't lie. I've thought a lot about it since then and I also read it's highly addicting, I totally believe that! I've never really done anything that's physically addicting like that. I mean, there's drinking but that's really psychological also. There's pot...but that's like all psychological and I've always been able to give or take with that. There's smoking ciggerettes but...I've smoked or not smoked and never understood that 'addiction' part of it, I've never actually felt it. Maybe that's why I got cocky with the oxy. Thinking that I won't get addicted. Well, I've thought an awful lot about doing it and have found myself resisting. I don't know if that's just psychological or what but...it's kinda wierd.
So....today Dave, Eric (his friend) and I went down to Ann Arbor to hit the anime store and to get chinese. Then we went over to Detroit and watched the original uncut version of Godzilla on the big screen. It actually turned out to be pretty cool even if I did fall asleep a couple of times. (oops!)
Anyway, so....I'm supposed to go out to Bay City tomarrow and visit two guys I knew from way back. Sigh....they both know I don't drink so it shouldn't be a problem...the only problem is that Christina is supposed to come with me. I'm not going to drag this out...I'm not going to have some big long drawn out thing about this. I can't be her friend, no matter how much it sucks, I cannot be hanging out with her. Or at very least I need to tell her I can't be doing oxy with her. Jeff asked me where I got it too...I kinda hesitated but ended up telling him. She's going to kill me when I tell her I told him the truth. She always says I'm way too truthful for my own good. I told Dave too, hell and I told Eric. I just figure, I screwed up...honesty is the best policy. When I walked through the door Friday my intention was to lie. Hell, I was even going to lie on here...I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, real or not. I was just going to keep it a secret and just keep doing it and just see, for once if I was even capable of keeping a secret from the world. Well, you see how well that worked. I just can't do that. I feel best about having told Jeff, he really made me feel a lot better about things. Gave me the ol' yeah...you really screwed up but it's not the end of the world. Ya didn't drink and that's what counts, don't make the drugs a habit and you can get right back on the horse.
So...yeah, now I'm at work. My co-worker's father in law died so I'm here 9:30pm-7:00am....sux. They wanted me in at 8pm. I said...hell no, I'm hitting my meeting because I knew I wouldn't get a chance to talk to Jeff until Friday if I didn't and then I'd probrably have people with me. I feel sooo much better. I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders.
Anyways, I'll probrably write again later....I'm really bored and it's only 11:30pm...sigh, a very long ways to go and I only got like 5 hours of sleep thanks to my damn tooth.
Thanks for listening to my ramble!
Stacey
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Old 07-19-2004, 02:51 PM
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Stacey and Christina no more.....
That's the topic of today. I went over there today because she was supposed to go with me out to Bay City to visit those guys from high school right? I wasn't going to but, I was like...well...the arrangment was already made and I was going to tell her I couldn't do oxy's anymore or anything like that.
Well, I get over there and she asks me to drive her to a phone. I bring here over here to my house and she calls her ex. to ask why he hasn't brought the laundry yet. They get into the inevidable fight that you could see coming a mile away. When she hangs up the phone she comes back and tells me she can't go. I'm like..uhh, why not? 'Because if i go with you he won't give me my laundry back' she says. This is about where I start getting pissed. I mean, to be manipulated and controlled when you're not even dating?? How could she be such a pushover? Well, I just kinda went...he can't do that. She's all giving me this...I'm the victim bit, there's nothing i can do..the kids are at home sweating in pants because he has their laundry. blahblah....Well, I just kinda blew it off even though I was pretty pissed.
We start heading back toward her house and Christina's foster sister was in the car. She sees these guys at the playground at the middle school and asks if I'll stop. I pull over and she runs over to them. When she comes back she's all giddy and excited. Mind you, this girl is 17 yrs old. She tells me we're to be at their house in 20 minutes to smoke a blunt with them. I take us back to Christina's house and don't really say a word. She said they were only doing it to get down her pants but aww well, she was just going to use them for their pot. Then she goes on to say there is one in particular that reached up her shirt while they were out there. I couldn't help it...I made a comment that she was basically whoring herself out for pot! Well, we get up to Christinas and sit there for a few minutes. Christina's 13 yr old sister is back at the apt. watching Christina's 3 kids.
20 minutes go by and the 17 yr old jumps up and is like...okok! Let's go! I just couldn't take it anymore and just told them I was coming home. Christina asked me why and my mind had about a million of them but I said....I sent out resume's this week, I'm trying to get a job, I don't want to be involved with that. Besides, we're using those guys. I don't want to feel as though I 'owe' these guys something for smoking their pot ya know? I didn't like the feel of the situation and it was right then I realized that no matter how hard I try to just 'hang out' with Christina...it's all about the next high for her.
So...I came home and called Dave and told him. I mean, we weren't fighting when we left but I think it's the closest to a fight we've ever come. Everything was implied without being said. Christina knew why I was leaving and she knew I wans't happy. I mean, she's known me since I was 11, I don't have to tell her I was unhappy she was being a pushover to Deshane, i'm sure it was on my face.
Well, then I got to thinking about the guys in Bay City and realized, ya know what? They just want to hit on me, they just want to flirt with me and at that point, I think just the implication that I was supposed to go with these guys and be used to smoke pot was far enough of a objectified feeling for me. I called the guys and told them I wans't in the mood cause I was fighting with my best friend.
So...i called Dave back, told him I was doing a lot of thinking about what Jeff said last night, about his best friend living around the corner and he can't talk to him.
Damnit...I just started crying. Another friend lost. Another person gone from my life. It's not going to be easy to not be friends with Christina but she's made it more than clear where the priority lies in her life. I have to stick to mine and stick to the meetings and sober people. I really want to go to the meeting tonight too. And ya know, I knew Christina was like that, I knew she was out there somewhere still using but, I don't know...when she broke up with Deshane I had a fleeting hope that she would straighten up, that she would want to be a good mother. There was something inside me that really hoped I could keep a friend through all this. Today was compleate evidence that that's certainly not the case. She let her ex. tell her what to do and then left her 3 kids with a 13 yr old to go get high. What kind of a mother is she? She doesn't deserve to have those kids. She ignores them and doesn't seem to care anything about anything they do. Everytime I think of her as a mother it's almost funny because even though her 3 kids are right in front of me, I wouldn't think she was the mother.
I was just disgusted with the entire situation and it was right then I realized, like Neil...I just have to let her go if I plan to keep myself clean.
God, this sobriety thing is really hard.
Stacey
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Old 07-19-2004, 04:27 PM
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....this girl has three children?! Oh....my.....god.....

Well, much as I'd love it if you or someone could save them from a life of watching their mother abuse drugs and behave inappropriately, that isn't your priority right now.

I sent out resume's this week, I'm trying to get a job, I don't want to be involved with that.
Yes!

I didn't like the feel of the situation and it was right then I realized that no matter how hard I try to just 'hang out' with Christina...it's all about the next high for her.


That about sums it up, and sad as it may be to see the hole she's digging for herself and her family, there's not much you can do about it. Congratulations on recognizing an unhealthy situation and taking a stand. Really. That is hard to do, and it's what was necessary.

Sobriety really isn't the hard part. It's sad when you have to step back from a friendship that goes back to your childhood, but you're growing up. I'm afraid she isn't. That's the hard part.

Sometimes people who are desperately hanging onto substance abuse try to drag us down with them. Your refusal to participate can be a threat to them. In the long run, you're doing her--and her children--a huge favor by refusing to participate in or condone the behavior. Not to mention it's the best thing to do for yourself as well.

You did the right thing, which isn't always easy.
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Old 07-24-2004, 12:04 PM
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Hey,
Well, I've kinda avoided writing because I kinda ended up going back on my own word. I feel kinda like an idiot. That night Christina showed up on my doorstep like...let's go! Well, we end up going, She ends up sleeping with one of my guy friends we were going to see! They spent the night hitting on me and trying to get me to play strip euchre. It went exactly as I thought it would. I mean, not that I didn't have a good time, but I could certainly think of better ways to waste away my days.
2 days later Christina gave me gas money to drive her back over to Brentt's (that's the guy) so she could go get laid. I only went cause I was on empty and I was really making a profit off this! Isn't that horrible?
Well, so...I've just been kinda staying away from her since then. I went with my mom to Ann Arbor yesterday. That was a lot of fun. They had their art fair going on...it was just really cool to finally be surrounded by at least semi-intelligent people. I went to the meeting last night too. Christina was supposed to go but I didn't end up picking her up...we were running late. It was pretty good....Jeff asked me how I was doing. I told him really good, my mom and I had just got back from Ann arbor and got to eat Chinese and go to the anime store. That makes me happy! The only thing I could've possibly have wanted more was a movie! Lol...I'm so easy to please!
So....yeah, i guess it's not quite as easy as I made it out to be but everything I said still stands true. Christina only cares about the next high and Brentt and Bryan only want down my pants. End of story....they arne't good people.
I did sign up for the GRE last night though. Dec. 3rd. I wanted to get it done the week before my 1 yr sobriety date. I don't know why, it just seemed like a good week to do it and then when I'm celebrating 1 yr of sobriety Dave will be studying for his exams. Now I can send out my Graduate school applications though. I'm applying to Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, Michigan State and maybe Northern Michigan. That's a lot of paperwork to get done! Admissions essays to write, Recommendations to get...etc...Not to mention the money! But....this is what I really want to do. I just hope they let me in. I'm going to study so hard for the GRE. I just paid $115 to take it, I'd better!
So...that's what's new...I'm just waiting to get all my colllege stuff done, hitting lots and lots of meetings lately and just trying to keep myself busy so I don't get bored and wind up calling Christina....that's about it. Today though, i'm with Dave so...I get to spend the day with him. Tonight I get to work 3rds...and for the next 4 nights...blah. So....portable DVD player here I come!
I made an oath to myself also...when/if I get into grad school. The minute I do, I'm buying myself a laptop as a reward. And the leather messenger bag I've been wanting for ages and ages. I can't wait. It's my reward for working so hard. If none of the schools let me in...well, I'm going to be really sad...I know that.
Oh, get this...my dad told me last night for our wedding present he's going to take off the 'debt' I owe him. That's it! I'm not going to 'owe' him any money! As far as i can tell, i don't owe him anything now! It's only money for when he helped me with the 1st semester of college. I can't believe he actually still wants me to pay that back to him! I mean, he didn't help me with college even a penny! That was money so while I was working minimum wage and saved up half the tuition myself and the other half was financial aid, my dad loaned me the money for books. What kind of bastard would actually, 6 years later expect me to pay him back! I couldn't believe that....it was just appalling to me.
anyways, that's it...I was a little bugged out that but...I think I'm ok now. Whatever he wants to do to cop out of giving us a present. Like I told Dave, even if they spent like $30 and bought us something for the house, at least it's actually showing he spent the time/effort to pick something out!....What a cop out bastard.
Anyways...yeah, before I get mad....I get to take in the pictures for the wedding today. I'm so excited. I haven't had the money to get them developed yet. I can't wait to see them.
Stacey
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Old 07-31-2004, 10:49 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
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Ahhh.....Cramps suck, you know that? I feel like poopy.
Anyways, it's been a few days. I've kinda been taking time to resort my life and try and work Christina out of it. We hung out yesterday, well...basically...here's how it goes. I pick her up, we drive to Bay City, she gets laid and we drive home. With some time in the middle there that we actually hang out. The other day we were over at Bryans and we got high, then we went over to Jeff and Daniels (Jennie's old friends) and got high again before I went to work. Not cool. At the time it seemed pretty funny but....I feel kinda crappy about it now. You know what really stuck? When I was telling Dave about it and I like had a slip of the toungue and said something like...'Well, I was drunk...er..I mean high." It was like this freudian slip that I couldn't take back once I'd said it. But it stuck with me in my mind. Mind you, I haven't let up on the meetings at all...i still have been hitting 2-3 a week but it's like internally I've been able to feel myself slipping. Internally I've been moving myself and detaching myself from the meetings, even though I'm there...I'm not there. I realized that last night when I was sitting at the Friday night open speaker. It's like, I realized I hadn't been trying to make friends anymore, I hadn't been even trying at the meetings for awhile now. To talk, to reach out...to anything, I've just been there listening. Yeah, I kept going but....to stop would've been the next step. I almost even considered it. It's funny though, cause everytime I get too far from the meetings and my sobriety, I just think of Neil. I think of last winter and it gives me motivation to try because I don't want to go through all that pain again. I don't know if i could.
So....I'm here, I'm back.....I'm gonna try to get myself back on a better track and stay away from Christina and Brentt.
Thanks,
Stacey
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Old 08-02-2004, 04:30 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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Hey....
Just got home from my 3rd shift and I'm feeling honest, which can never be a good thing. J/k. I've been writing on LiveJournal lately. Under the name Csmcjewl in case anyone really cares.
Tonight at the meeting, I guess this has been bothering me. I was talking to Jeff who was standing there with Lisa...I casually asked him if he wants his wrench back and she was like..."oh, is this the one who came to your house that night?" I was soo embarrassed! I mean, where does he get off telling Lisa?? One of the "popular" clan? I mean, does that mean he told her I was high on Oxy too? Why not ya know? None of that anonimity stuff here! Let's just let all the secrets out of the bag! I was pretty shocked and embarrassed...at the time I just kinda shrugged it off but I mean, honestly...how am I supposed to get anywhere in the program with Jeff telling people the crazy things I do? Yeah, just don't do them..well, I'm not now. But still, I don't want anyone to know I did oxy!! Ya know?
Anyways, tonight I had a wierd night. I managed to avoid Christina all day so I made it to the meeting alone. I was feeling pretty damn good while I was there. People were responding to me, I was talking to people...it was good. Until the end and the Jeff thing and it kinda spoiled my mood and put me in a funk ya know? I don't like the idea that people that didn't really like me to begin with now know I did oxy a few weeks ago.
Then 3 wierd things happened. 1. I read my diary from last October, mistake. It took me right back and made me start thinking again about time gone past. 2. Tonight at the meeting Jeff had mentined Mike, that guy who, on New Years wanted to hold my hand, remember? He had been drunk at the meeting and him and Jeff almost got into a fight over it. It was crazy, but it was the first night I talked to Jeff. 3. Dave told me Scott (living with Neil in CA) is coming and will be here Thursday for the weekend to see his sisters wedding. Between those three occurances all happening yesterday it really just kinda made me feel funny. Too many parts of my past all creeping up on me in one day. Scott will be here this weekend. I haven't seen him since he left 2 weeks after Neil. I don't even really want to see him because I know it'll be a good weekend and then we'll have to say goodbye again. I don't want anymore Goodbyes!!!! I'm sick of them! I'm sick of missing people! I'd rather he just leave once and stay gone rather than keep up with this tourture of leave, come back, leave, come back....I just can't take the stress! Hello, abandonment issues....
I don't know, I shouldn't let it get to me but I do. My sponsor actually cornered me today and wants to get together with me. It's funny cause I've been so ready for so long to do the 3/4th steps that now I don't feel ready again. Is that wierd? Is that ok? I just want a sponsor to talk to really. I don't know if I can handle doing steps this weekend. I just feel like Scott is like bringing home a piece of Neil, ya know? Like, he lives with him..he sees him day in and day out, I'm jealous. At some point in the weekend I'm going to corner Scott and ask him how Neil's doing. How he's really doing, not just what Neil will tell me.
I don't know...I just don't know if I can handle this. I haven't cut myself in months yet right now I feel myself struggling. Everytime i feel like I'm starting to lose control in my head I cut myself to kinda centralize the pain. Does that make sense?
Anyways, I'm going to go....I'm writing to myself on here anyways, I may as well just stick with the livejournal.
Bye
Stacey
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