Newlywed in denial?
Hi, I'm new here.
I met my husband 4 years ago when I was in my mid-20's. He is 10 years older than me, has been married before and was a bachelor for 10+ years. We got engaged after 1 year of dating, and then married a year after that.
We have had a passionate relationship from day 1. The highs are so high, the lows are so low. He's had battles with drugs (cocaine) that he's kicked. His drinking behavior, however, has not. When he goes out, he rarely has one drink. And about 80% of the time, he ends up drunk when he's in the presence of alcohol.
During the weekday when we're home, he doesn't drink at all. Only when those around him are drinking, he'll drink to excess.
He rarely gets hung over and he never throws up. This sometimes allows him to drink more the next day. He goes through phases where things are ok and he is controlled with his drinking behavior, but then there are times when it is out of control for several weeks in a row.
Often when he goes in this downward spiral, its due to, he says, circumstance. When he turned 40 he spent 5 days drinking every night until he was wasted. When things at work are stressful, he'll drink heavily after work for happy hour and go until the bars close at 3am.
His work is never affected. He is successful at work and while he may push off meetings in the morning because he's slow out of bed, overall he maintains his composure in the work place.
Here is my first question to those statements: does this make him an alcoholic? Or is it circumstance that drives him to drink? Or is it both?
I've become controlling, scared and frightened of what the weekends can bring. I feel like I am constantly trying to plan social events with people we can trust so that he isn't prone to drinking too much. I don't allow us to do the fun things we used to do before I got scared of his behavior (e.g. concerts, music festivals), in fear that he'll start drinking out of control.
In turn I believe he has started calling me "controlling". He grew up with an extremely controlling father, and he tells me that I can't do that to him. I can't tell him what to do or he'll lash out against me.
So now sometimes I just try to go to bed early and pretend like nothing is wrong. I wait for the storm to pass and then everything is great again.
He is my best friend. I am scared of losing him. I am also extremely confused about what issues I'm dealing with. I don't want to be dramatic about my situation...but maybe it's just me in denial.
Reading this blog has been so helpful so far. I'm wondering if people can share similar stories or provide some insight here to help me get some perspective.
Thank you so much.