Aysha, I remember you as the person who quit using almost the same day as I did in Nov 2009, if I even pinpointed that day correctly. I also remember people here encouraging you to get out of the situation with your grandmother some time in 2010. A few months back you talked about getting into a program and getting out of the context with your grandmother. We wondered where you were for a while, then you got into some rough times I won't get into. Now you are sharing your thoughts on the relationship with your grandmother again.
I'm not trying to be vicious, but don't you think you should be tired of this cycle? Aren't you sick of complaining about her and having to judge yourself for these feelings and judge your maturity level over and over? I don't know if the suggestion Suki made is THE exact right one, but I do think there needs to be something better than the cycle you are describing to us.
I guess I don't have a lot in common with you when it comes to the specific experiences in our lives, so I don't have a lot of suggestions or comments to show you in a relevant way. I have no clue how to help. I just hope that you will get on board with a solution that is going to work for you, and that's really all I can do.