How can I resent the only person that has been there all my life?
Looking For Myself...Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
How can I resent the only person that has been there all my life?
I have been having a serious issue with my gram.
She is such a huge enabler. She has yesed me right to death almost.
I know she loves me and she does it because she cares. And I cant say that I havent taken advantage of it at times. Or been grateful she is the way she is. But there comes a time when it just gets to be too much.
I feel so bad for feeling this way. Most people would kill to have soemone like her in their life. I love her more than anything. I would kill over her. But she is smothering me. I am getting more and more bitter toward her as time goes on.
I just cant stand to even look at her sometimes. She is always in my business. ALways interfering in everything I do. From the smallest to the biggest things. I feel like a freakin child. I tell her to stop. Leave me alone. Let me be accountable for once. Yet she just gets worse. I cant take it anymore.
I am beginning to have these really negatibe feelings toward her and I dont like it.
How can I feel so bad about someone so good?
She has done nothing but be there for me.
But that is the problem. I do partly blame her for how I am.
She has been like this all my life. When I was like 10 I set the garage on fire. She takes me to the fair. I get suspended from school. She takes me shopping. I go to jail. She bails me right out. I need money for drugs, She bounces checks so I can get soem. This **** is not normal.
I am so tired of it. She has made it way too easy for me to be the way I am.
I am so glad she loves me and is unconditional. But where do you draw the line? Now it is just rediculous. I cant stand it or her anymore.
I need to get away from her before I lose it.
That is so wrong of me. But I cant help it. She is going to help kill me. I am not blaming her for everything. But she sure the hell doesnt make it any better.
I feel so bad for saying these things.
It thisn normal? I cant stand to be in the same room with her anymore.
She is such a huge enabler. She has yesed me right to death almost.
I know she loves me and she does it because she cares. And I cant say that I havent taken advantage of it at times. Or been grateful she is the way she is. But there comes a time when it just gets to be too much.
I feel so bad for feeling this way. Most people would kill to have soemone like her in their life. I love her more than anything. I would kill over her. But she is smothering me. I am getting more and more bitter toward her as time goes on.
I just cant stand to even look at her sometimes. She is always in my business. ALways interfering in everything I do. From the smallest to the biggest things. I feel like a freakin child. I tell her to stop. Leave me alone. Let me be accountable for once. Yet she just gets worse. I cant take it anymore.
I am beginning to have these really negatibe feelings toward her and I dont like it.
How can I feel so bad about someone so good?
She has done nothing but be there for me.
But that is the problem. I do partly blame her for how I am.
She has been like this all my life. When I was like 10 I set the garage on fire. She takes me to the fair. I get suspended from school. She takes me shopping. I go to jail. She bails me right out. I need money for drugs, She bounces checks so I can get soem. This **** is not normal.
I am so tired of it. She has made it way too easy for me to be the way I am.
I am so glad she loves me and is unconditional. But where do you draw the line? Now it is just rediculous. I cant stand it or her anymore.
I need to get away from her before I lose it.
That is so wrong of me. But I cant help it. She is going to help kill me. I am not blaming her for everything. But she sure the hell doesnt make it any better.
I feel so bad for saying these things.
It thisn normal? I cant stand to be in the same room with her anymore.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
She loves you, but that doesn't mean she is healthy for you. She is as sick as you are, Trish. Why don't you do both of you a favor and try to get back into that half-way house, or some other place where you can both have a chance to breathe. You are clear-headed enough to know that something has got to change. Find a Salvation Army facility where you can get straightened out or find another place. Nothing changes if nothing changes, Trish.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Enablers are also their own version of 'addict.' If 'Gram' doesn't get into Al-anon, or address her own issues, she can very well threaten Aysha's recovery. That's why there's a section in the Big Book, just for families.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Aysha, I remember you as the person who quit using almost the same day as I did in Nov 2009, if I even pinpointed that day correctly. I also remember people here encouraging you to get out of the situation with your grandmother some time in 2010. A few months back you talked about getting into a program and getting out of the context with your grandmother. We wondered where you were for a while, then you got into some rough times I won't get into. Now you are sharing your thoughts on the relationship with your grandmother again.
I'm not trying to be vicious, but don't you think you should be tired of this cycle? Aren't you sick of complaining about her and having to judge yourself for these feelings and judge your maturity level over and over? I don't know if the suggestion Suki made is THE exact right one, but I do think there needs to be something better than the cycle you are describing to us.
I guess I don't have a lot in common with you when it comes to the specific experiences in our lives, so I don't have a lot of suggestions or comments to show you in a relevant way. I have no clue how to help. I just hope that you will get on board with a solution that is going to work for you, and that's really all I can do.
I'm not trying to be vicious, but don't you think you should be tired of this cycle? Aren't you sick of complaining about her and having to judge yourself for these feelings and judge your maturity level over and over? I don't know if the suggestion Suki made is THE exact right one, but I do think there needs to be something better than the cycle you are describing to us.
I guess I don't have a lot in common with you when it comes to the specific experiences in our lives, so I don't have a lot of suggestions or comments to show you in a relevant way. I have no clue how to help. I just hope that you will get on board with a solution that is going to work for you, and that's really all I can do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
Originally Posted by Corri 
Enablers are also their own version of 'addict.' If 'Gram' doesn't get into Al-anon, or address her own issues, she can very well threaten Aysha's recovery. That's why there's a section in the Big Book, just for families.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by Aysha
I have been having a serious issue with my gram.
She is such a huge enabler. She has yesed me right to death almost.
I know she loves me and she does it because she cares. And I cant say that I havent taken advantage of it at times. Or been grateful she is the way she is. But there comes a time when it just gets to be too much.
I feel so bad for feeling this way. Most people would kill to have soemone like her in their life. I love her more than anything. I would kill over her. But she is smothering me. I am getting more and more bitter toward her as time goes on.
I just cant stand to even look at her sometimes. She is always in my business. ALways interfering in everything I do. From the smallest to the biggest things. I feel like a freakin child. I tell her to stop. Leave me alone. Let me be accountable for once. Yet she just gets worse. I cant take it anymore.
I am beginning to have these really negatibe feelings toward her and I dont like it.
How can I feel so bad about someone so good?
She has done nothing but be there for me.
But that is the problem. I do partly blame her for how I am.
She has been like this all my life. When I was like 10 I set the garage on fire. She takes me to the fair. I get suspended from school. She takes me shopping. I go to jail. She bails me right out. I need money for drugs, She bounces checks so I can get soem. This **** is not normal.
I am so tired of it. She has made it way too easy for me to be the way I am.
I am so glad she loves me and is unconditional. But where do you draw the line? Now it is just rediculous. I cant stand it or her anymore.
I need to get away from her before I lose it.
That is so wrong of me. But I cant help it. She is going to help kill me. I am not blaming her for everything. But she sure the hell doesnt make it any better.
I feel so bad for saying these things.
It thisn normal? I cant stand to be in the same room with her anymore.
She is such a huge enabler. She has yesed me right to death almost.
I know she loves me and she does it because she cares. And I cant say that I havent taken advantage of it at times. Or been grateful she is the way she is. But there comes a time when it just gets to be too much.
I feel so bad for feeling this way. Most people would kill to have soemone like her in their life. I love her more than anything. I would kill over her. But she is smothering me. I am getting more and more bitter toward her as time goes on.
I just cant stand to even look at her sometimes. She is always in my business. ALways interfering in everything I do. From the smallest to the biggest things. I feel like a freakin child. I tell her to stop. Leave me alone. Let me be accountable for once. Yet she just gets worse. I cant take it anymore.
I am beginning to have these really negatibe feelings toward her and I dont like it.
How can I feel so bad about someone so good?
She has done nothing but be there for me.
But that is the problem. I do partly blame her for how I am.
She has been like this all my life. When I was like 10 I set the garage on fire. She takes me to the fair. I get suspended from school. She takes me shopping. I go to jail. She bails me right out. I need money for drugs, She bounces checks so I can get soem. This **** is not normal.
I am so tired of it. She has made it way too easy for me to be the way I am.
I am so glad she loves me and is unconditional. But where do you draw the line? Now it is just rediculous. I cant stand it or her anymore.
I need to get away from her before I lose it.
That is so wrong of me. But I cant help it. She is going to help kill me. I am not blaming her for everything. But she sure the hell doesnt make it any better.
I feel so bad for saying these things.
It thisn normal? I cant stand to be in the same room with her anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Corri, I believe people around addicts can learn about ways to change their own behaviours and how to help themselves, and I also think some people who "enable" do have issues of their own - there are lots of possibilities out there. But I am not very big on a broad strokes viewpoint that sees people around the addict (the "Friends Of" category of people) as necessarily owners of a problem requiring fixing. A Friend Of is not automatically an enabler to me either. I don't know how far-reaching you apply your viewpoint on enablers. I feel safer going with the idea that addicts are the ones who need to work through the issues that give/gave strength to their addiction. The addict is the one who has got to make it through to the other (free of using) side of life again and the addict is the one who will benefit from seeing it this way too.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Originally Posted by stugotz
Your kidding right? :rotfxko
I hope being clean never makes me think I know it all and just want to say it all the time.
I am ready and willing to take full accountability for everything I do. I have said that numerous times. Stop sayin and pay attention.
Get off the hood sayings too while your at it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
This is a sidebar comment. I know that the "Just sayin'" thing has been a source of annoyance many times. I think it's a habit that formed out of feeling awkward when sharing. Otherwise, I have no idea.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Hi Trish - I do see a pattern here and you can do what you want with this observation, but the resentment you feel towards your gram usually proceeds a relapse, right? I mean I can actually understand that. Who would I want to push away if I felt I was ready to go back to my old ways? The people that I had hurt and let down over and over again. I'm not saying your gramma doesn't have her own enabling issues. I have them myself, but I'm also an alcoholic. Until I take ownership of my alcoholism/addiction then I can't even begin to get well.
Some people have had situations that may have led them to choose drugs or alcohol, but not everyone takes that reason and lives it the rest of their life. I agree that moving out and getting into a healthier environment might help. I also think that immersing yourself in recovery could be helpful. You have got to quiet this voice that is feeding you all this resentment. Resentment is the lead in to relapse. You know me and gratitude and gratitude will erase resentment. I did see a "bit" of gratitude towards your gram. I would keep feeding the gratitude and starve the resentment.
My suggestion seems simple, but "maybe" it will help. When we are in the forest its hard to see the light. I would suggest you write down the dates that you relapsed and read the posts you made just before it happened. Knowing what to look for and knowing where these feelings are leading you to might help.
Wishing you love and peace.
Some people have had situations that may have led them to choose drugs or alcohol, but not everyone takes that reason and lives it the rest of their life. I agree that moving out and getting into a healthier environment might help. I also think that immersing yourself in recovery could be helpful. You have got to quiet this voice that is feeding you all this resentment. Resentment is the lead in to relapse. You know me and gratitude and gratitude will erase resentment. I did see a "bit" of gratitude towards your gram. I would keep feeding the gratitude and starve the resentment.
My suggestion seems simple, but "maybe" it will help. When we are in the forest its hard to see the light. I would suggest you write down the dates that you relapsed and read the posts you made just before it happened. Knowing what to look for and knowing where these feelings are leading you to might help.
Wishing you love and peace.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Theres a difference between awkward and arrogance. I know arrogance when I see it. I am the most arrogant person I know. Sometimes it isnt what you say but how you say it. I could care less about some self riteous douche bag wanting to impress with his so called witty wisdom.
This isnt the first time I have noticed it. But it will def be the last I acknowledge it.
You have to understand. I am not blaming anything on her. Its really hard when someone pushes their way into every detail of your life. Whether you want them to or not. For example. When I was locked up. I told her, I dont want a visit. Dotn pay anything of mine I will take care of it when I get home. What does she do anyway? She pays everything I owe. Not that I am not thankful. But I asked her not to. I am trying to take some responsibility somewhere but it just isnt happening. She still came to visit me. I told her not to tow my van the other day. I will take care of it. She tows it anyway.
I dont know how many times I have to tell her to just let things be so I may either take care of it myself or feel the consequences. She goes behind my back and interferes with everything. Like just now. You need to go online and see whats goin on with your tax return. Out of nowhere. Right now the last thing on my mind is my tax return. Thats the last thing I need right now. I wanted to talk to my dad about soem personal things. But didnt know how. HE came over the other day and she took it upon herself to go blabbing off at the mouth about everything I wanted to ask him. I wasnt ready to go there yet.
She calls numbers from my phone and interogates people. **** is freakin crazy.
I am looking into leaving. I have to go. Its overkill now.
I am the way I am regardless because of my own choices. But nobody can sit here and tell me that she didnt get the ball rolling and help out by being the way she is since I was a child. Long beofre I was an addict.
My problems are because of me. I'm "just sayin" she doesnt help the situation at all.
I can tell her til I am blue in the face to leave me alone and she wont. She meddles and interferes and makes it into this whole other thing and then I have even more top deal with. Because she doesnt know how to mind her own business and let me be accountable for anything. She is an enabler times a million.
She has been all my life. And yes..Addicts will do what addicts do. Take advantage. I already said that. And I am smart enough to know that that is part of the problem.
This isnt the first time I have noticed it. But it will def be the last I acknowledge it.
You have to understand. I am not blaming anything on her. Its really hard when someone pushes their way into every detail of your life. Whether you want them to or not. For example. When I was locked up. I told her, I dont want a visit. Dotn pay anything of mine I will take care of it when I get home. What does she do anyway? She pays everything I owe. Not that I am not thankful. But I asked her not to. I am trying to take some responsibility somewhere but it just isnt happening. She still came to visit me. I told her not to tow my van the other day. I will take care of it. She tows it anyway.
I dont know how many times I have to tell her to just let things be so I may either take care of it myself or feel the consequences. She goes behind my back and interferes with everything. Like just now. You need to go online and see whats goin on with your tax return. Out of nowhere. Right now the last thing on my mind is my tax return. Thats the last thing I need right now. I wanted to talk to my dad about soem personal things. But didnt know how. HE came over the other day and she took it upon herself to go blabbing off at the mouth about everything I wanted to ask him. I wasnt ready to go there yet.
She calls numbers from my phone and interogates people. **** is freakin crazy.
I am looking into leaving. I have to go. Its overkill now.
I am the way I am regardless because of my own choices. But nobody can sit here and tell me that she didnt get the ball rolling and help out by being the way she is since I was a child. Long beofre I was an addict.
My problems are because of me. I'm "just sayin" she doesnt help the situation at all.
I can tell her til I am blue in the face to leave me alone and she wont. She meddles and interferes and makes it into this whole other thing and then I have even more top deal with. Because she doesnt know how to mind her own business and let me be accountable for anything. She is an enabler times a million.
She has been all my life. And yes..Addicts will do what addicts do. Take advantage. I already said that. And I am smart enough to know that that is part of the problem.
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Looking For Myself...Sober
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I'm angry and I am frustrated. With myself. I am sitting here with no way to get anywhere or do anything. She loves it. Before anyone says it. If I wanted to get high I would. Well your not wrong there. But I cant even do that right now I am so stuck. I got a fist full of cash and cant get my van fixed or get high. This past 2 days is the longest I have been clean since I got home. And its not by choice. But I know I need it.
I am still foggy from weeks of smoking. My voice is just coming back. But my attitude sux. My outlook is even worse.
I just want to go away. And I cant even do that.
Best believe come Monday whether I have my van fixed or not. I will be looking into soem other arrangements. Right now I just need to stay away from her.
I feel like the biggest piece of **** for feeling this way. But thats where I get stuck. I know what I need to do then I feel bad like I am abandoning her.
Sometimes its good to be stuck in the country. Because right about now I would go all out and blow through all this money.
I need to go take a hot bath or something. I feel like I am coming undone in the worst possible way. I need some serious help and soon.
I havent felt like this in a very long time.
Your right. I'm sry to everyone for coming out the side of my face like that. I apologize.
I am still foggy from weeks of smoking. My voice is just coming back. But my attitude sux. My outlook is even worse.
I just want to go away. And I cant even do that.
Best believe come Monday whether I have my van fixed or not. I will be looking into soem other arrangements. Right now I just need to stay away from her.
I feel like the biggest piece of **** for feeling this way. But thats where I get stuck. I know what I need to do then I feel bad like I am abandoning her.
Sometimes its good to be stuck in the country. Because right about now I would go all out and blow through all this money.
I need to go take a hot bath or something. I feel like I am coming undone in the worst possible way. I need some serious help and soon.
I havent felt like this in a very long time.
Your right. I'm sry to everyone for coming out the side of my face like that. I apologize.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Trish, my daughter is a teenager, and the issues she has aren't any where near the magnitude yours are, but I can see a little of myself in how you describe Grams.
I don't think I'd give money for drugs, or blab to her dad about her personal thoughts, but I can see myself towing a van, paying a bill, and coming to visit.
I can recognize the symptoms of codependency I have with her, and am working on them..
It hurts me to know someday my kid may resent the things I do to "help" her.
I have recently figured out that there is such a thing as caring too much. I suspect that, like myself, Gram is taking care and controlling the things she feels that she can, because theres so much going on with you that she can't.
My daughter has made mistakes, made bad decisions, etc. It scares me so much that I try and keep together the things I can, so maybe her fall won't be so far??
I know I have to let my kid lie in the bed she makes for herself.. Its very hard to watch your child fail and do nothing.
In a way, I'm apologizing FOR Gram. She doesn't mean to meddle, or control..
And neither do I
I don't think I'd give money for drugs, or blab to her dad about her personal thoughts, but I can see myself towing a van, paying a bill, and coming to visit.
I can recognize the symptoms of codependency I have with her, and am working on them..
It hurts me to know someday my kid may resent the things I do to "help" her.
I have recently figured out that there is such a thing as caring too much. I suspect that, like myself, Gram is taking care and controlling the things she feels that she can, because theres so much going on with you that she can't.
My daughter has made mistakes, made bad decisions, etc. It scares me so much that I try and keep together the things I can, so maybe her fall won't be so far??
I know I have to let my kid lie in the bed she makes for herself.. Its very hard to watch your child fail and do nothing.
In a way, I'm apologizing FOR Gram. She doesn't mean to meddle, or control..
And neither do I
Looking For Myself...Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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Your right julez. That is the exact reason why she does it. I cant really blame her. She does love me. She does just want to protect me. But she needs to understand that she is juts making it worse. She is making it way too easy for me to keep doing what I do. She might as well put a welcome mat on her forehead. I know I am an ddicvt and i know what I am capable of. I know what makes me tick. And its not all just resentment for her enabling. I am tired of doing it to her. I dont want her to suffer with me anymore. I want to stop. I just dont know how right now. I want nothing more in this world than to be clean and give this woman everything she deservesd in life. But I am a very very sick person. One that isnt quite ready to accept what I have to do to get better yet. I am being selfish and lazy and I juts want to be left alone. It tears me up to think this way about her. Its not because I cant stand her really. I am mad at myself. I hate myslef for not being able to do this on my own. I hate myself for dragging her through all the misery with me. I hate the fact that she just wont stop and let me hit bottom for once. Why wont she save herslef?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
You seem to be able to think so clearly. You KNOW all the answers, you know why she does what she does and that she loves you and that you love her. The thing I'm wondering is...what are you afraid of if you really, truly get help and don't get high anymore? What are you afraid you'll miss? Do you know?
I mean, you've been down a pretty tough road. You just got out of prison for christ's sake! You really went all out last time. What are you afraid of by really quitting all that?
I mean, you've been down a pretty tough road. You just got out of prison for christ's sake! You really went all out last time. What are you afraid of by really quitting all that?
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