chicory

background overview

son 38, who is most surely alcoholic, perhaps self medicating. still not working, lost last job, due to calling off ( drank when he got paycheck, but paid a lot of fines his self) has not drank for mponths, but is on edge due to being here and totally dependent.

no one can really understand his view of things. he is super good with verbally skill, but most of it sounds like a castle he has built his self. full of excuses - lack of "fortune". everything but his own fault.

i have been unable to put him out during winter- no car- no friends, no girl, no anything and no sense whatsoever. fear that he would die, fear that he is mentally unable to function, fear that he has a mental disorder, and he will not go for any kind of help - says he needs a job, and then things will be great. yeah, till he gets money , then he pretty much stays loopy. he tried harder the last time, to get to work, and to function, but he seems to have a nervous disorder, and medicates it. i have no problem calling him an alcoholic, but i think it is more than that. alcoholic due to not being able to function in the world or to be understood. he talks in his head a lot, picking up a thought, mid stream, and it takes me a while to figure out what the h he is talking about, then it makes sense.

but why start a conversation out of the blue with a sentence like "Well, hope her thinking was not from her high horse", without saying "mom, about my sister....

it is making me crazy and always did. i think we always were hard on him, judgemental about his opinions and the way he spoke them. i should have gotten him evaluated as a kid, for he has done this forever. he makes sense, but will start a conversation in mid thought like we were already discussing it.. i dont know how to help him. i know he has nothing much to do, and i know he is not happy- very lonely and sad that he does not have the things hat others usually do at 38 years old. it hurts us all for him.he cant seem to see what he is doing wrong- he does not always talk strangely, actually. he can function well in certain areas. he can reprogram a computer and he can work construction, and cook chinese food, and has held some jobs for more than a year, but something is not right.

he has friends , smart guys, who understood him and could talk the same way. they ahve been burnt by his couch surfing for the past 30 years, tho. so he has no support system but me, and I am beginning to think my life is over- i love him, but cant make him get help to get his life together. he thinks his problems are external, and to some degree they are , but they have been caused mostly by his self, i think.

it is hard to turn your back on your son, and no one else can bear to listen to him make excuses. this is killing me, and I know that he needs help.
why is it up to me? why cant God take this out of MY hands? Why cant there be someone else who gives a sh--? my son needs help, and I cant do it. i would put him out in the street, but then he will just fall through the cracks. it will probably come to that. cause his drinking here is unacceptable, and i have to save myself from it for it will happen if he gets money.
anyone ever been in this kind of situation?

thanks for reading and any sesh.
chicory