Michael395

Hello evryone, my name is Michael and I have been with my wife for 10 years (4 living together and the last 6 married) I met here where I worked a long time ago and fell in love. She was kind and caring and had this wonderful glow about her. Her mother had left her when she was a young child and Lynon, my wife, was raised by her aunt. She always thought of her aunt as her mother. One day she began to die of cancer and my wife began to stay and take care of her. She began to notice that if also took some of her aunt pain medication (Oxycontin) which the doctors prscribed in abundace to keep her comfortable, that it made her feel better. More able to handle the sadness of seeing her aunt die a little each day. Afetr she passed Lynon was suddenly left with a massive amount of pills, which she began to take regularly.

Later I fanally learned of her problem. By then I was in love with her. Soon she began to lose things, Her Job, her home, and finally her daughter from her first marriage to her ex husband. She had nothing. I let her live with me and she went to rehab. While there she learned of Methadone, a supposed miracle cure to detox with. She checked out and decided this is what she needed, no pain, no sickness. I was against it, but agreed and for a while it seeme dto work. But later my life turned in to a nigtmare. Methadone became just a way to stay on drugs. Then the xanexx started. We would fight and I would make her leave. But the guilt of her homeless, was she OK, was she with people wo were mean to her. I couldn't stand it, so I would go find her and she would come home. This went on for years. Finally she was kicked out of the program, then another break up and I would make her leave, and this time she landed in jail. I left her there for a few months, but finally got her out. It was like a miracle, she would laugh at shows and movies again, she would talk and smile. I felt God had sent me to her and she always said if not for me she would have died. She would tell friends I was the light to her dark. I was so happy for so many months. But then it started to change again, she began to dabble and soon she felt she needed Methadone again.

But she found something new, Suboxone. This was way more expensive $300 dolars each month for the fee plus 400 dollars each month for the medicine. It was better than methadone, no droopy eyes, no lethargy but soon she began to stray again. So know I made her go again, its been 4 week now and this time I have filed for dicorce. I have thrown thousands and thousands of dollars at this to no avail. I have cried and told her her much I love her, have taken her in and never made her work a single day. I have given her everthing I have, anything of mine was hers. But now the years weigh heavy upon me. i could never buy here anything of value, if I did it was always sold during a break up over drugs. I have replaced wedding bands so many times I have lost count. I began to feel she was using my love for her as a weapon against me and I fear she never loved me at all. I was just someone who made her comfortable. Even though she was an addict she was kind, did not have affairs, we were always toghther and I will miss her more than she will ever get to know. But the lies, the hurt, the hole she had pulled me into almost drowned me and I am not sure if I will ever be able to climb out again.

I guess my point of this long post is to question this thing I hear about called rock bottom, why this is some magic moment. Isnt rock bottom when you lose everthing you have. would you turn your life around then? Maybe there are some that take it a little more extreme, these people lose not only their home and posessions, but their children. This Rock bottom must surley do it, wont they now straighten themselves out stay clean and maybe 18 months or so later get their child back? Well surely extended jail time will do it. I guess I am just venting I have always been a fighter I have never given up. But you see Lynon has done all of this, and now she has lost me. It is against my nature to give up, but now I am finally broken, so very tired I feel weak and now I have no fight left. A race I cannot win. All these "rock Bottoms" she has hit and there will be those who will say there is always hope. But for a few, a very few. we suddenly come to realize for these sad few, there is no hope. For these people the only way their relationship with their true love, drugs, will end is in death. I know when the divorce is fianale, she will spiral deeper and deeper into its wicked hold and soon I will learn that she has passed. I am trying to prepare myself for the awful guilt I will feel for giving up, but I cant fight for her anymore. I don't even want to now. I thought I was a good man, but now I guess I was wrong. So thank you for letting me write this, I never believed there was ever a time when we did not have hope, until now. When the rock bottom doesnt help them, then all that is left is to wait on their eventual death or imprisonment. There is no hope, anymore