Hello...I've been reading some of the posts the last few days, I haven't been here in a while but am still grateful for how much this forum always helps.
I read the thread about how quickly they move on...because I took a few steps forward this last year, then a few back, so I need to do some hard work now.
In March (I think) of 2010, I got a PPO against my EXABF...alcoholic/ex meth-addict...who was verbally/emotionally/physically abusive over the last five years. I also have an 11 year old who was definitely emotionally abused by the whole situation. My son and I both went through counseling this past year...life was starting to be ok. I was growing quite a bit, doing lots of codependency work, no relationship...mainly working on the relationship with myself, being a good mom.
I ran into exabf in November, and pulled something really dumb...not only slept with him that night, but gave my number. Which is where it started again.
At first, I really thought he had changed. And, I also though I had changed enough to where I wasn't being affected...but I was wrong. I was texting him, and sneaking out late to see him (because of my son, and the PPO). Looking back, I think he just became better at manipulating me. I told him if he had changed he needed to prove it from a distance (as in, I wasn't going to allow him to move back in with me, or around my son). He said he was willing to do what it took, that he realized what he lost, etc.
Red flag #1 for me...which I ignored...he is still drinking. I thought to myself, if he really is a better person, maybe the drinking wouldn't be so bad.
So I established boundaries...when he started his "stuff" with me of trying to be controlling, demanding I stop talking to guy friends I made, constantly being selfish (getting angry when I wouldn't sneak out some nights), I would refused to see him. I told him I would NOT drop the PPO until after at least 3 months of consistent visible change.
I guess I am quite proud of myself, because looking back, I would have just let him move right back in. But at the same time, disappointed, because now I feel like, I am having to start over again.
We were still talking, when I got the text from him that he had found "the one", and since I didn't act like I loved him or wanted him enough (for his ego, basically), he went elsewhere.
Now, I know, if he had changed, he would have respected and understood my boundaries and the reasons for them...number one being my son, and myself and my sanity, combined with all of the things he has done.
The woman he is seeing is married. He told me she is getting divorced, and that they are in love and happy. After all I have learned and know, this still hurts so much. It is the being replaced thing. He fed me with lots of pretty lies in the short month and a half we talked...that he realized how much he loved me, we had some really great, intense moments together. I was starting to fall for it. Ignoring red flags left and right.
Everyone tells me how "nice" and "good" this woman is. Alright...she probably is nice, and maybe she is cheating on her husband for a "valid" reason. But xabf is STILL living at home, not working, not paying support...so is she just another codependent? She apparently comes from a good family. How nice is she that she is cheating on her hubby? She denies to people about the affair, tells everyone they are friends. I know it is wrong to obsess. But I am doing it, some days more than others.
Is it possible that these men can find a woman, and maybe without the bad history, and a fresh start with someone new, can somehow change and be good and treat her right, even while drinking?
Another thing that bothers me, is that they haven't known each other that long...and her dad is in the hospital, very ill. He has been spending lots of time with her at the hospital. He was NEVER there for me the past 5 years when I need support, but he is being there for her? I just don't get it.
I have seen pictures of her, she is not all that attractive, she isn't ugly...so I don't think it's the looks, we were always very attracted to each other.
If she is nice, and good, and people even say she won't put up with bullsh*t...then what is she doing with him?
Again, I know I need to focus on me, and I am...I truly am going on with my life, but I seem to get stuck on this thought of things working out between them. If anyone can say anything to help me get unstuck, or make me feel better, I would appreciate it.
I keep telling myself it's gonna crash and burn, and Karma will eventually find it's way...but some days...the obsession is still there.
