Lost.
I'm lost. I am a heavy alcoholic and have managed to hide it from my partner quite well since a fallout a few years ago. It blows my mind that he has no idea I'm still drinking. I hide the alcohol and I cover my tracks and make excuses to cover how I act when I've been drinking.
I don't know how to stop and I absolutely cannot confide in him that I have a problem. It would ruin any chance we have left at having a real relationship. He would never forgive me. We would be over if he found out. I've probably already ruined any chance we have by hiding this from him, but even with that being said, I can't give up on the idea that I can fix this myself and perhaps him never know this place I got to.
I have severe anxiety and depression and my partner is very cruel and critical. I lay in bed at night awake sick to my stomach because of my worries about my alcohol problem, but also because of my worries about my inadequacies. My partner continually criticizes me about everything from how I operate from day to day to my weight, which has increased dramatically over the last few years.
I can't say he caused the drinking, because I don't think he did... but I also can't say he didn't, because I think I turned to it more and more the worse things have gotten.
I feel lost and sad and hopeless and heartbroken and I'm not sure if I want to quit drinking or keep on. I truly don't know where to start.
Has anyone else ever felt like this? Does it get better? Is there a way out?
Edit: I'm sorry, reading back through this I realize there is much that I've left out. I am a female, late 20's. I have tried AA and decided that it is not for me. I basically gave up on it about two years ago, which is when I gave up on being sober.