miyazawa

I'm lost. I am a heavy alcoholic and have managed to hide it from my partner quite well since a fallout a few years ago. It blows my mind that he has no idea I'm still drinking. I hide the alcohol and I cover my tracks and make excuses to cover how I act when I've been drinking.

I don't know how to stop and I absolutely cannot confide in him that I have a problem. It would ruin any chance we have left at having a real relationship. He would never forgive me. We would be over if he found out. I've probably already ruined any chance we have by hiding this from him, but even with that being said, I can't give up on the idea that I can fix this myself and perhaps him never know this place I got to.

I have severe anxiety and depression and my partner is very cruel and critical. I lay in bed at night awake sick to my stomach because of my worries about my alcohol problem, but also because of my worries about my inadequacies. My partner continually criticizes me about everything from how I operate from day to day to my weight, which has increased dramatically over the last few years.

I can't say he caused the drinking, because I don't think he did... but I also can't say he didn't, because I think I turned to it more and more the worse things have gotten.

I feel lost and sad and hopeless and heartbroken and I'm not sure if I want to quit drinking or keep on. I truly don't know where to start.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Does it get better? Is there a way out?

Edit: I'm sorry, reading back through this I realize there is much that I've left out. I am a female, late 20's. I have tried AA and decided that it is not for me. I basically gave up on it about two years ago, which is when I gave up on being sober.

Supercrew

Welcome, you have found the right place. I can't say I was in a similar situation as yours, but I became a secret alcoholic under my wifes nose for the better part of 3 years. She knew I had a drinking issue, but didn't know the extent, and I am now happily sober without the help of AA and with most of her respect intact.

So yes it is possible and it can get better. Stick around the forum and do some reading, that was the first step for me. I am heading to bed, but don't hesitate to ask any questions you might have, there are alot of good people here who have made it through and are willing to help you.

Good luck!

Dee74

Hi miyazawa

Welcome

Noone causes drinking.

If you're like me, you found something that helped you deal with things, or it seemed to - then all of a sudden it consumes you and becomes a problem dwarfing the problems you originally drank to deal with.

I think your main focus at the moment needs to be on your recovery- not your relationship, which sounds less than ideal to me anyway.

Many here have gotten sober and stayed that way - without the active support of a partner.

Deal with your drinking - do whatever you need to do to deal with that.
Without dealing with your problem, everything else in your life is probably in jeopardy anyway.

Get your recovery right and then you can start looking at the other areas of your life that need attention

I often recommend a dr as the first step, as detox can be hazardous for some of us. I also recommend you read and post here as much as you like - you'll find a lot of ideas here

You'll find a lot of support here too
D

ste

Yes, yes, and yes. The place to start is to decide to quit drinking, or not.

UniqueNewYork

This is great that you acknowledge you have a problem. Now you can focus on fixing the problem. I think when I was drinking I believed my problem was hidden away but really in retrospect it wasn't. As recently as a couple of days ago my Dad said "son the reason Mom doesn't want to give you a key to the house (been staying with the parents) is she thinks you'll go out all night drinking and you've been doing so well lately we don't want that".

This is what I suggest you do. Lick this alcohol problem (it can take 1 to several tries and a lifetime of dedication) and become someone truly great.

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine there are many universes and each one has one of you in it (I don't believe this I'm just using an example). In some of the universes, you are worse off than you are today. Imagine yourself in the most degraded and poverty stricken circumstances, addicted to substances, in bad health, etc. Now in other universes you are someone very important, including the president of the country, a movie star, on the board of a fortune 500 company, a doctor of some type, the head of a large charity, etc. You are in the best shape of your life. You have numerous friends. You have dedicated your life to service. You have high morals. You do the right thing many times even when it isn't the best thing for you, believing that the positive karma will come back to you. You are ambitious. You have taken time to study numerous subjects everything from advanced art and sciences to career oriented studies. People can count on you. You have an exercise and diet routine in place. You have clear goals and directions you've given yourself to reach them. You have contingency plans to deal with everything from stress to health problems.

Anyway cutting to the chase, there is no reason why you can't be that super person from the alternate universe. The choice is yours. Sometimes when my alcoholism was really hurting me in life, I would think about this. Its not that far fetched. Even if you don't like the multiple universes analogy, just think of this life. What amazing things could you do with the remainder of this life if simply compelled to try? I typically could be negative about this as well. I would imagine what it would be like if the president version of me stepped out of a portal right in front of me. In shape and beaming with charisma. How disappointed would I be that I could have been this person. That I could have worked on the mind body soul to become this but let distractions drag me down. Then I remember hey I'm not dead yet. I have plenty of time if I will just take the first step now and go down that path. You just have to want it.

Glad to see you here and hope to see you posting regularly!

CarolD

Welcome...

Getting and staying sober has given me the strenght to deal
with life...and with all sorts of mental and physical problems.

That can be true for you as well.
Glad you found us

Kmber2010

Welcome Miya and glad you are with us.

Like others, identifying your problem is a huge step. You now need to quit and get support. If one program of support isn't for you know that there are plenty others out there.

As we all know, no one makes us drink but I know for myself when I did drink I had low standards for myself as I was very depressed and I looked to alcohol to cope/escape and what it really was doing was destroying me and everything I had.

Getting sober and learning to make positive change has allowed me to live again and every day I am grateful

What I also want to say is that when we put our recovery first and focus on us.....we rebuild who we are and we remove the negative in our lives. To me.....your relationship sounds unhealthy and you can do much more for yourself.

Start with your sobriety and you will find that so much in life will improve by the work you will do to improve yourself.

Looking forward to the journey

LexieCat

I'm not quite sure why you are so determined to "save" a relationship to someone who is "cruel and critical". What if you were to get well and healthy and decide you deserve better than that?

Your drinking is harming YOU, whether you are in a relationship with this person, someone else, or on your own.

Not sure what your issue was with AA, but there are people who can recover without it. Posting here is a good start.

How much are you drinking? Most people do best to at least consult with a doctor before attempting to detox from alcohol.

Opivotal

Being put down constantly takes away from your self respect as a person. Your hiding behind alcohol to cover your hurt. Hanging onto a relationship that IMO is not good for you. Your probably depressed, and lying and hiding your alcohol use is a full time job. Why not seek counseling? Work on getting your life in order. I guarantee you, once you get some help you will not put up with being insulted and bullied any longer. You will stand up for yourself, love yourself, and take back your control.
You can do it! All the effort you put into drinking must be exhausting. Take your strength and get some help.

Best Wishes to You!

Reset

Hi, I think that coming here is a good start to finding your way out. You'll find lots of support here.

I've been stuck in the depression/alcohol cycle too (still am, sort of) and realized that the alcohol was a roadblock to dealing with the depression. I had to lose the alcohol before working on the rest of it.

So yeah, there is a way out.

There are other programs besides AA, like Life Ring. Or some people have been successful by creating their own path, borrowing from various sources and tools. That's what I'm doing. It's not easy but in a short time I already can't imagine going back. Good luck!

miyazawa

I guess my problem with AA was that it seemed so complicated. And the steps and the process of going through them didn't make any sense to me. I don't want to talk philosophy and stuff. I just want to not need alcohol and be a normal person. Right now, it feels like I wouldn't know what to do without it.

The thing with my relationship is... I think all of those problems are at least indirectly caused by my alcohol use. My partner never used to treat me like this. Even if he doesn't know I'm drinking, he knows I'm a miserable person who no longer has any motivation to do anything and doesn't really care about anything, including my body, which I've let go to hell. There's little doubt in my mind that the alcohol is responsible for the vast majority of the 100 pounds I've gained.

I feel like if I could be again the person I used to be, our relationship would be like it used to be. When he loved me and would say so and admired who I am and cared about how I felt and wanted me to be happy, and I made him happy. That's why I'm hanging on. Because it's my fault it's like this.

Supercrew

May I ask why you think you drink? Basically why do you pick up the bottle? And is it for the same reason as when you initially started drinking?

Danae

I think AA can be very simple! I'll let other more articulate informed folks chime in, but I think it was designed for people who were at their wit's end and weren't going to be discussing philosophy.

One thing I've learned from people at SR is to give it a chance, go to different meetings until you find one you like. There is nothing you have to worry about doing "wrong"---just show up and listen for a start.

Don't think of it as something like work, think of it as something that might make you feel a lot better.

Good luck and keep posting here

skg

I can complexificate the letter, "I" if I think about it too long. Stinking Thinking led to Drinking, and that subcommittee that ran rampant in my head had enough voices to drown out simplicity. AA is a simple program for complicated people, and I needed simplicity. Life had become unmanageable.
They told me I could be too smart for my own good, so I shut up and listened like the dying only could and I took their suggestions and the voices subsided, the obsession lifted, and my peace of mind arrived--contingent on my spiritual condition.
Today, my life is different. I am at peace, spiritually centered, and I know gratitude. If you want to drink that's your business; if you want to stop, AA can help.

Dee74

Hi miyazawa

If you tried AA, and you're sure its not for you, there are many other alternatives.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I was a hopeless drunk for many years - the only things that got me out were commitment, change and action.

D

Kjell

I know the feeling of feeling lost. I think we've all felt that way before.

You say AA is not for you and it's "so complicated" and you just want to "not need alcohol and be a normal person".

Woudn't that be nice if we could simply not need alcohol? ...and just not drink? Or control our drinking? If that was the case, then we probably wouldn't be an alcoholic in the first place.

More than likely, in order to get and stay sober, you're going to need to do things you don't really want to do regardless if you use AA or not.

I simply couldn't outthink my alcoholism. I had to realize that my solution to my drinking, may not come from my own thoughts and brain. I might need to latch on to those who know how to get and stay sober regardless of my alcoholic opinions.

I had to change who I was or the same me would drink again, and again...and again. Maybe this is true with you too?

...and, your husband, probably knows a lot more than you think he does.

GREAT job posting here. We can and do get sober. I'm living proof and you can be too.

Kjell

Sidney14

I went through something similar with my exhusband a while back in my early 20's he was very critical and abused me mentally by saying that I was never good enough but of course I had the drinking problem then and there too he spent a lot of time away on business hence I was able to drink and hide it everywhere and he would not know well that is what I hoped....I do not know what to tell you but obviously he is not making you very happy why are you staying in the relationship?

Learn2Live

I find this very telling. It was working but you didn't like it so you stopped and went back to drinking. Perhaps it was that it was working that you didn't like it? Perhaps it was that you wanted to drink? I hope you decide to give sobriety another chance. I've relapsed many times and I can look back and say with no doubt or reservation that my life is much better sober.

miyazawa

I've been lurking around off and on since I first posted. I haven't quit drinking yet, but reading this forum has helped me cut back significantly. I've probably cut my drinking by 1/3 to 1/2 on the days I drink and I've gone from 0-1 days a week not drinking to 2-3. I've been doing this knowing that I need to quit completely. I think part of the back of my mind has been scared about withdrawals, thus justifying the continued drinking if I have less of it. I don't know if that makes sense, but to me, if feels like if I can manage to cut back over a few weeks, then it will be easier when I quit for good.

I know it's probably stupid to set a date instead of just doing it right now, but I've pretty much decided on this coming Sunday or Monday as the day I am done and won't allow myself another drink. I guess I'm trying to psych myself up and also saying "farewell" to alcohol.

After reading more on this forum, I think I would change how I introduced myself. I said I was a "heavy alcoholic". Well, I am heavy, weight-wise. But actually, compared to some of the stories I've read, my drinking probably isn't as bad as it could be. I probably drink 3 to 5 LARGE glasses of wine a day. With my "glass" size, that probably puts me at around 1.5 to 2.5 bottles per day average on days I drink. (I drink boxed wine, so there's no easy "bottle count".) So I'm hoping I can avoid major withdrawal symptoms, especially since I've cut back the last couple of weeks.

Also, I always manage to be fine when I am somewhere where I can't drink like usual. Like vacations with my boyfriend. We went off for almost two weeks this summer and I had no problem with withdrawals whatsoever, but I was able to have a drink or two every day or two throughout the vacation as we often ordered a drink with dinner or at our hotel bar before bed.

So I guess the two things that are scaring me now are potential withdrawal effects from quitting completely with not even a small drink every now and then to bridge the gap, and what I'll do with myself once I stop. I'm not sure I know how to do any of the normal distractions without having something to sip on... TV, video games, surfing the web, even cleaning the house. It's the alone hours when I'm not working that I worry about. I read a thread on here earlier tonight where someone was talking about how the things they used to enjoy don't or can't apply anymore. I feel like I truly won't know what to do with myself. I can't remember what I used to enjoy doing before I drank except for a few things, and many of those I can't do anymore. I used to work out obsessively, but I can't do that for a couple of reasons-- first, I am in terrible shape and have many pain problems, so for me, 30 minutes is an excruciating workout. Secondly, when I used to work out obsessively, I was also borderline anorexic and probably would have been diagnosed with exercise bulimia if anyone had realized how much of my day was set aside for working out. I worked out 3 to 4 hours at my apartment gym each day and when that wasn't enough and an apartment office worker commented on how much I exercised, I joined an outside gym so that I could exercise more without anyone noticing. I also started running early in the mornings to supplement it.

Of course, I physically can't do that anymore, but even if I could, I realize that going back to that would just be substituting one addiction for another. I was single when I was doing that and my boyfriend now seems to think I concocted all of that story as an excuse for not losing weight now. Go figure that the girl who used to never eat and work out all day then started drinking and put on 100 pounds and is now criticized for being fat and lazy. It kills me that I just can't win no matter what I do.

But anyway, I'm getting off topic. The point is, I think I'm ready to stop drinking. It's probably a bad idea to have to plan it out, but that's how I operate with a lot of things, I think.

I am still opposed to AA or any in-person support groups at this point. I know many people here disagree with this and think that not joining one is setting oneself up for failure. I don't know how to respond to that except that I hope I can be an exception to the rule. I already don't like them because I feel like there's too much spiritual and philosophical talk going on and I feel like some failure and am embarrassed to be there. But then on top of that, I would have to hide going to meetings in order to not admit to my boyfriend the problem I've been already hiding for so long. Admitting it would mean the end of this relationship. If I can't do it alone and I relapse, then the relationship will end anyway, and then I'll have all the time in the world to go to AA if I want. But I truly believe I can do this my way and maybe not lose everything in the course of getting sober. I know some of you have done it without AA. It's possible. But it gets me down hearing that I'll fail if I don't do it. (That's not all coming from reading this forum, but rather it's something you hear everywhere. You can't do it without AA.)

This post is sounding depressing the longer I ramble on, but I'm actually hopeful.

CarolD

AA is not now nor has it ever run a membership drive...
any AA member that tells you it's the only way is incorrect.

What are your plans for living healthy and sober?