Ahhh.....Cramps suck, you know that? I feel like poopy.
Anyways, it's been a few days. I've kinda been taking time to resort my life and try and work Christina out of it. We hung out yesterday, well...basically...here's how it goes. I pick her up, we drive to Bay City, she gets laid and we drive home. With some time in the middle there that we actually hang out. The other day we were over at Bryans and we got high, then we went over to Jeff and Daniels (Jennie's old friends) and got high again before I went to work. Not cool. At the time it seemed pretty funny but....I feel kinda crappy about it now. You know what really stuck? When I was telling Dave about it and I like had a slip of the toungue and said something like...'Well, I was drunk...er..I mean high." It was like this freudian slip that I couldn't take back once I'd said it. But it stuck with me in my mind. Mind you, I haven't let up on the meetings at all...i still have been hitting 2-3 a week but it's like internally I've been able to feel myself slipping. Internally I've been moving myself and detaching myself from the meetings, even though I'm there...I'm not there. I realized that last night when I was sitting at the Friday night open speaker. It's like, I realized I hadn't been trying to make friends anymore, I hadn't been even trying at the meetings for awhile now. To talk, to reach out...to anything, I've just been there listening. Yeah, I kept going but....to stop would've been the next step. I almost even considered it. It's funny though, cause everytime I get too far from the meetings and my sobriety, I just think of Neil. I think of last winter and it gives me motivation to try because I don't want to go through all that pain again. I don't know if i could.
So....I'm here, I'm back.....I'm gonna try to get myself back on a better track and stay away from Christina and Brentt.
Thanks,
Stacey