Hugs, duqld1717. I know other's have said it already, but I know I really, really need to hear it sometimes. It is not your fault. You did not let him do this to you. You trusted some one and he betrayed that trust in one of the worst possible ways imaginable.
The last bit that I was with XAH, I was on auto-pilot. I stayed that way for a long time. The closest description I can think of is Numb.
I went to a counselor when XAH finally went to an in-patient treatment program. I wanted to learn to communicate with him and I wanted to make sure I didn't negate all the hard work he'd be doing. And I thought everything was my fault. I couldn't communicate with him. Everything I did was wrong. So I needed to learn to fix that right?
Any way, once I started talking with her, it all hit. She was a counselor specializing in working with addictions so she directed me to DV and SA resources and suggested that I look for a counselor who specializes in treating victims of DV and SA. I initially thought she didn't believe me, that she thought I was making it up, and I seriously thought she wanted me to see what 'real' abuse was and that I didn't have it so bad. I am still astounded that I actually thought that about a counselor I trusted and I think it shows how damaging "just" emotional and mental abuse is.
I'm currently reading (yet another) self-help book when ever I have to remember that "just" verbal and emotional abuse is real and I didn't just make up being treated that way or feeling that way. I think Jenny1232 had suggested it. "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans.
You're not imagining this. You didn't ask for it. You didn't let him.
You deserve to feel better. You deserve to heal. You can heal.
I'm really rambling, duqld. I hope some of it helps.