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Feeling so beat down

Old 02-10-2011, 02:18 PM
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Feeling so beat down

Its only been a week or so since my XABF and I broke up. Everything that he did and said to me in the past is just now starting to effect me. Now that he is gone, I am left with so many bad memories and my self-esteem is so low. I have never been around anyone in my life who went out of their way more than him to make me feel so inadequit in life. I was never smart enough, rich enough, pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, whatever whatever etc. Its my fault for letting him do this to me but now I feel like a dog that has been beaten to the point where I feel ashamed to be in public and I'm paranoid everyone feels that way about me. It really took a toll on my emotions and my soul. I know its all in my imagination but I really do feel very forlorn and guarded. I use to be so outgoing. Emotional and Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Can anyone relate to these feelings after a breakup or divorce and how did you rise above it?
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Old 02-10-2011, 02:45 PM
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Hi and welcome. First of all........IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please, please know that. Alcoholics by nature are manipulative. That is what they do.......make you feel so low that there is no point in leaving them because you now believe that you don't deserve any better. I am willing to bet that the vast majority of us on this site who have been affected by an alcoholic, especially a BF, GF or spouse, have or have had in the past feelings of inadequecy and low self worth. You are not alone. I know that you have broken up, but a lot of the symptoms of the relationship will take time to heal. Have you ever gone to an Alanon meeting? I started going and learned how to put the focus back on ME and not on him. Slowly, every day, I get small pieces of ME back. You will too. And please keep coming to SR. Read and post. This site has been a lifesaver for many of us. We all can relate. I haven't completely risen above it yet, but I think some people here have, and I am sure they will chime in. All I can tell you is that this relationship has changed you, some of it you will get back...you will be stronger and some day you will wake up and feel better!
Keep coming here......it helps!
Melissa
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:09 PM
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Please seek counseling with the provider of your choice and recovery through Al-Anon or another program for people who have survived alcoholics. I have heard people describe coming out of relationship like yours as having PTSD. I'm not a doctor, can't diagnose anything, and I'm not saying you have anything.

What I am saying is seek help other than this board. Stay on the board, just don't have the board be your end all be all.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:29 PM
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It is almost a feeling of being emotionally raped and I am still so traumatized from the situation. My feelings are worse now than they were when we were together. Very horrible. I plan on attending Al Anon.
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:43 PM
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It feels worse before it gets better. You have a lot to process, to make sense of and alot of re-building to do. It is a form of PTSD. I was lucky, I got counselling with a really great woman. Have you explored counselling with a DV specialist? I'd highly recommend it.. and shop around if you're not making progress, you will find the right match.

Tx
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:23 PM
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((((hugs)))))

This really is not your fault. You got sucked into the vortex of a really unpleasant character. In time, you might like to look into why you were vulnerable to that, but in the meantime, just look after yourself. I can relate a lot.

Do you have some friends that you can see this weekend? His opinion is not more important than that of other people, or of your own idea of yourself. He put you down to make himself seem better. That is not the action of a person in whom you should set your store.
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:34 PM
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Yes, I can relate as I have been through this many times. For me, the trick has been taking responsibility for building myself back up, each time. You have already won half the battle: You are AWARE of exactly how you feel and why. Now find the root of the solution. Here are some things I have used in the past to build myself back up: AlAnon, community college classes, exercising, church/bible study, going out with girlfriends, surrounding myself with positive, supportive, forward-moving people, reading books and doing exercises to build self-esteem, therapy or counseling, yoga, digging out pictures of myself from times when I was at my best (pictures associated with accomplishments, things I am proud of) and displaying them so I see them everyday, making huge lists of my strengths and all the positives about myself I can think of and displaying them so I see them everyday.

Refuse to allow negativity and toxicity into your life. That means also being very selective who you allow into your life. (((hugs))) You can do this.
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:36 PM
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Oh, I forgot to mention, psychiatrist and medication because I was clinically depressed several times after going through Hell.
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:54 PM
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Yes yes yes!! My feelings about myself were extremely low. Low self-worth, low self-esteem. And a couple of years ago I was convinced I was a lot of the things he told me I was and there was nothing you could have said to help me really believe in myself. I drowned myself in a lot of vodka. The farther I get from it the more I can see I that it had nothing to do with me.

The farther you get away from it, the more you will see it really has nothing to do with you. It helps to be around healthy and happy people and when you see that they are not putting you down and focusing so much on you in a negative way, that there is nothing wrong with you. He's just an unhappy, miserable person and had to drag you down to his unhappy and miserable level...otherwise how else would you stay?
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Old 02-10-2011, 05:50 PM
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On the most cynical side of things--
I was the pampered kept in wine financially dependent wife who enjoyed very much the pampered life and was controlled.
On the side where I don't blame him--
I was the pampered kept in wine financially dependent wife who enjoyed very much the pampered life and was controlled because I didn't want to take a hard look at the deal I was making.
Reality was horrifying, like selling my soul.
Realistically--we all make deals.
Make sure yours aren't with the devil, and you'll have won, regardless of the outcome.
So put on your big girl pants and go forth and conquer the world--it is yours to be had! (within reason, let's not get carried away here.)
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:12 PM
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So put on your big girl pants and go forth and conquer the world--it is yours to be had! (within reason, let's not get carried away here.)
Yep, I got on my big girl panties. Let's do this thing! (conquer the world, or maybe we could take da U.P.!)

It is almost a feeling of being emotionally raped and I am still so traumatized from the situation. My feelings are worse now than they were when we were together. Very horrible. I plan on attending Al Anon.
I am so sorry for your trauma. I understand how very painful it is. I lost myself in my first marriage, the drinking was my problem for sure, but it did numb out some of the worst of it. It is a form of PTSD, being constantly hounded about your supposed inadequacies.
It helped me to talk to a doctor who specialized with people who had been exposed long term to verbal and emotional abuse. I still have my triggers, but I am alive now. Really alive.
Take care of yourself.

Beth
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:25 PM
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My 2 cents....

I think the way to get through and then past these things, is to grieve them for what they were.

We are all different, and process and grieve differently, but in our deperate desire to just feel better, we may want to manage the awful feelings with chemicals, sexual encounters, spending money, etc. I think we just need to feel them, and identify them.

Then, we can move on.

Coming here, doing therapy, self affirmations, etc.....there are many tools. It's not fast or easy, but SO worth it. YOU'RE worth it.
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:27 PM
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Hugs, duqld1717. I know other's have said it already, but I know I really, really need to hear it sometimes. It is not your fault. You did not let him do this to you. You trusted some one and he betrayed that trust in one of the worst possible ways imaginable.

The last bit that I was with XAH, I was on auto-pilot. I stayed that way for a long time. The closest description I can think of is Numb.

I went to a counselor when XAH finally went to an in-patient treatment program. I wanted to learn to communicate with him and I wanted to make sure I didn't negate all the hard work he'd be doing. And I thought everything was my fault. I couldn't communicate with him. Everything I did was wrong. So I needed to learn to fix that right?

Any way, once I started talking with her, it all hit. She was a counselor specializing in working with addictions so she directed me to DV and SA resources and suggested that I look for a counselor who specializes in treating victims of DV and SA. I initially thought she didn't believe me, that she thought I was making it up, and I seriously thought she wanted me to see what 'real' abuse was and that I didn't have it so bad. I am still astounded that I actually thought that about a counselor I trusted and I think it shows how damaging "just" emotional and mental abuse is.

I'm currently reading (yet another) self-help book when ever I have to remember that "just" verbal and emotional abuse is real and I didn't just make up being treated that way or feeling that way. I think Jenny1232 had suggested it. "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans.

You're not imagining this. You didn't ask for it. You didn't let him.

You deserve to feel better. You deserve to heal. You can heal.

I'm really rambling, duqld. I hope some of it helps.
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Old 02-10-2011, 07:39 PM
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Thanks for all the support everyone. Before posting on this site I had no idea why I was feeling the way I am. I simply thought that someone who I was in a relationship with just "didn't like me". Or I wasnt the "one". Before posting on this site, I was in denial about my ex even being an alcoholic altogether. I didnt want to believe that he had a problem but it was very much a problem in his life and in mine. I am slowly uncovering many things about my past relationship now that I failed to even pick up on. Its a floodgate of emotions that I'm dealing with right now, that I failed to deal with back then. I am slowly putting all the peices of the puzzle together and its a little shocking and jolting. I feel like everything that I experienced with this person was a sham. But, I am thankful I finally woke up and opened my eyes. Better late than never.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by duqld1717 View Post
Its only been a week or so since my XABF and I broke up. Everything that he did and said to me in the past is just now starting to effect me. Now that he is gone, I am left with so many bad memories and my self-esteem is so low. I have never been around anyone in my life who went out of their way more than him to make me feel so inadequit in life. I was never smart enough, rich enough, pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, whatever whatever etc. Its my fault for letting him do this to me but now I feel like a dog that has been beaten to the point where I feel ashamed to be in public and I'm paranoid everyone feels that way about me. It really took a toll on my emotions and my soul. I know its all in my imagination but I really do feel very forlorn and guarded. I use to be so outgoing. Emotional and Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Can anyone relate to these feelings after a breakup or divorce and how did you rise above it?
OH YES. Your post sounds so familiar I wanted to cry, and I don't cry easily, and I've been divorced for ten years.

TIME is the answer. It takes time, and you don't know it now, but you WILL come up stronger than you ever were before, like a piece of steel. What you are going through is normal--while the abuse and the heartache is going on, you shove things deep down inside yourself and don't look at them because you are dealing with the crisis of the moment. After they are gone, there is a period when all that shoved-down **** comes bubbling back up to the surface, and you just keep remembering and it is like torment. It has to get out though, so let it out. Writing it all down helps--it is a painful exercise, but it gets it all out.

I'm also going to tell you that just because you FEEL low and worthless right now, it doesn't mean that you are. You aren't. You are a strong woman who survived a terrible time, and you have to be patient with yourself as you learn to take care of yourself like the valuable person you are.
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