Had an emotional phone conversation today with AH (I was crying - he was monotone) He's not yet able to understand that every lie, every drink, every broken promise took a brick out of my foundation with him. I feel like I'm out of love for him and I want out of the chaos. He's relapsed after 16 +/- months sobriety - after near liver failure and inpatient treatment. He doesn't see the relapse as a big deal - more that I'm not willing to work on our relationship. Oh AND he feels if "he stops drinking nothing changes anyway" - wow. They can be so logical and believeable ... I'm a smart one and he still can make my head spin! But my heart doesn't ache anymore - I've noticed this shift and I'm listening to it.
I'm tired of hearing how he's disappointed in me - not sexual enough for him and now he feels I've been that way for 12+ years. He asks "Can you guarantee that you will change if I guarantee I won't drink?" - WHAT?? Then he's civil the next day and it all softens into the sunset - until the next make-no-sense day
This is exactly how it is with us. Even down to relapsing after quitting and refusing to quit again because he didn't feel any better when he quit the last time. Logic can not get through to him, he wants the comfort of alcohol too much.
I get the blame too, He won't quit because I won't promise to change what I consider perfectly rational reactions/behavior such as asking "Why aren't you getting paid this month?"