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Separating from AH of 18 yrs...

Old 02-05-2011, 09:18 AM
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Separating from AH of 18 yrs...

Some might of read in my post about drinking in the middle of the night that I was on the path of divorce when my mom and sister begged me to reconsider and try to work it out. The week was awful. I was immediately thrown into the emotional chaos of a relationship with an alcoholic which caused much pain.

I decided last night to tell him I thought it would be better if we separated so he could concentrate on his issues and I could work on mine. He agreed, he has no remorse and shows no interest in the relationship anyway, any working on the relationship was one-sided. All he wants to do is drink and post on sports gambling forums. I offered to take him to a condo on the beach for his b'day-he said no. I offered to watch a movie with him last night, he said no. I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.

I feel such peace now. I realize I can't live in that relationship. I know things will be hard, but they will be right.

Thanks all for the support you've given to me,
Chelle
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:26 AM
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Good for you.

I mean that. Don't be surprised if, at some point, manipulation starts and you feel tempted to get sucked back in.

Bookmark this thread so when it happens, you will remember why it isn't a good idea.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:41 AM
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Hi Lexie, my therapist mentioned that the manipulation could creep in. So far, he's had no reaction to the possibility of divorce except for 15 minutes of sadness. Otherwise, he is calm and seems perfectly fine with it. He even has the whole divorce plan figured out-who gets what, child support, alimony with which he was very generous,

That's what hurts the most, he doesn't seem to care at all. That's hurts.

This time of trying to work it out was most helpful for me. It reminded me of the craziness and how much it effects me. Each time I dip my toes into that it effects me worse. I know I can't go back to that place.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:54 AM
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Well, believe me, "not caring" will be less painful for you in the long run than manipulation, which just tries to keep you in the hell you've been in.

Just keep movin' forward, life will be happy again, I promise.
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Chelle3 View Post

I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.
This shows amazing insight on your part. It must to so painful to clearly see that this is all he wants out of life, but how freeing for you to know that you can't compete with it, as pathetic as his choice seems. I wish you all good things on your path towards your new life.
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Old 02-05-2011, 03:22 PM
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one of my most shattering moments was after the realization that he would never stop and never grow up was that he never knew me.
not the real me.
that saddens me deeply.

Beth
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Old 02-05-2011, 03:49 PM
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Chelle, I'm sorry things have come to this in your marriage, but I'm very glad for a few things:
a) You finding SR
b) You coming to a realization about your AH
c) You starting on the path to a new life

I know how painful this change will be, but believe me when I say it can also be amazingly liberating.

Keep posting. We're always here
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:58 PM
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Glad you're here, Chelle. We're happy to support you through this difficult time in your life. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:51 PM
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A tough, but needed decision. Be strong in your convictions. He will most likely attempt to work on you at some point. That is what they do. You are well armed with what is to come. And you'll do great.

When I went to the rehab place with my wife, there was an "event" I needed to clarify with the MD on staff. I expressed my concern, and she said, "there's a fair amount of misdirection in these relationships". Right on. I'd not heard that before. But she was right. Use caution and be on the alert for the "misdirection". it will appear.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:42 PM
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(((hugs)))
You know what you can expect from an addict?
Nothing.

And you also can expect unpredictability. Bad as it sounds, enjoy the "f*** if I care" attitude. Just don't rely on it lasting. It's quite possible he doesn't really believe that you're going to leave. I hope he does, I hope it's going to be this "easy" (and I know it's never easy, I know). Just be prepared that it might not.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Chelle3 View Post
He agreed, he has no remorse and shows no interest in the relationship anyway, any working on the relationship was one-sided. All he wants to do is drink and post on sports gambling forums. I offered to take him to a condo on the beach for his b'day-he said no. I offered to watch a movie with him last night, he said no. I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.
It's hard when you realize that their addiction(s) is the most important thing to them. When I came to that realization I was SO hurt. Addiction becomes a very selfish thing and although the person might not be like that, if they didn't have the disease, this is what you get when they do. Tough wakeup call, but once you've accepted as one of the things that you CANNOT change, then at least you know where things stand from here. All the best to you in holding your ground!
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:34 AM
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It took me to catch the ex cheating to leave, but like your H, my ex just wanted to be left alone with his addiction at the end. He didn't even flinch when I left. He didn't cry, ask for me back, didn't seem sad. Nope, all he cared about was his sporst and his married affair partner and hunting new women.
I was out of the way, so how great for him that he could continue in his sickness. And yes, this is the part that ripped out my heart the most. I was devastated and he just grinned and said "ok, we're over"
And imagine, he had already been sober close to 2 yrs when I left him

It took him 2 months after I left to join a step group and lord knows what prompted him to join that?!
In any case, YES, they love their pain and addiction MUCH more than anyone in their lives.
Sad part is, I know he loved me but his mental illness takes everything from him!
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Old 02-06-2011, 08:26 AM
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Chelle,

I know that this has probably been the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make, it takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage, it turns you from a victim into a survivor. And when we are in survivor mode, it’s amazing what we can deal with and accomplish for ourselves.

Based on the fact your mother and sister begged you to reconsider and try working it out, I think it’s safe to say they are not your best support system right now so it may be a good idea not to reply on them with THIS issue at hand. My mom was the same with my divorce years ago. For years she begged me to “do something” about my ex husband and his moods and his controlling. Yet when I made the choice to divorce she thought it was a bad decision!! WHAT…..I quickly learned not to use her as my support, at least not right away.

Him being corporative right now may be beneficial in many ways rather then having it dragged out through the emotional mind field.

Keep posting ((((hugs)))))
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Old 02-06-2011, 09:30 AM
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I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.

Thanks Chelle, I really needed to read that. My husband's father just died and I was frantic because I did not know what that might trigger and because I wanted to be there for him. All I could do was to tell him I was here if he needed me. He has not answered any of my texts. When I spoke to my daughter she said she had spoken to him and offered to go out to dinner with him and he said that while he appreciated the gesture he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts.
Your words help me put many things in perspective. He wants his bubble. He has cut so many people out of his life and I feel sad for all he is giving up but wow-these are HIS choices. It is all part of the disease isn't it?
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Old 02-06-2011, 09:35 AM
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He has cut so many people out of his life and I feel sad for all he is giving up but wow-these are HIS choices. It is all part of the disease isn't it?
Yes, it is part of the disease. And yes his choices.
jamaicamecrazy, you are pretty amazing in your progress.
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Old 02-06-2011, 10:28 AM
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Thanks all, I am doing much better on my own, even if he still is in the house, knowing that I'm not emotionally committed to him and that I'm heading in my own direction brings much peace.

Jaimacacrazy, dealing with the self isolation is hard and I think impossible for us who need others to completely understand. I do think it is part of the disease, maybe more towrds the end part, because I think it means they've given up everything else, but we can't change or control that and they certainly won't accept our help. That's when you have to live your own life and like you said, realize it is they're choice.
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Old 02-07-2011, 02:21 PM
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I can honestly say I have no advice. I'm in the same boat but it was my husband who has decided to leave.

I'm taking a mental health class in college and one of the things my instructor said really stuck with me. She said even in the best of circumstances the addict (whether it be drugs or alcohol) will ALWAYS try past coping mechanisms and part of that is manipulation.

and just the other day when I was so upset about my own situation someone made it clear that I'm giving him EXACTLY what he wants ...a reaction. He doesn't care if it's fear or anger...and when I thought back over the years I realized how right she was.

So while your AH is okay with it today...you need to be on watch for the backlash...because it's coming my friend. If he could separate from a relationship in a healthy way then he would have a healthy relationship to start with and there would be no need for a separation.

I know your hurt. I'm so sorry. But I keep telling myself that I am worthy of a healthy relationship with a healthy person. I deserve more than what I've got now or will always have if I beg and plead him to stay. More than that I'll lose what little self respect I have left after nearly 20 yrs of hell.
Tell yourself whatever you have to in order to follow through...that's what I'm doing and I'm slowly begining to believe it!!!

Good luck....we're here for you!
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Old 02-07-2011, 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
I
But I keep telling myself that I am worthy of a healthy relationship with a healthy person. I deserve more than what I've got now or will always have if I beg and plead him to stay.
That is exactly what I keep trying to convince myself of too. I deserve more than he is willing or capable of giving. He may have been able to have been the best partner for me before but he no longer is. He is telling me. He is showing me. No matter how much hope I cling to the reality is he is not the person I want to be with. It will take many maybes and what ifs to make him capable of being a good partner. Miracles do happen but in the meantime I have to stop beating by head against the wall. I grieve for the person he once was. But that person is no longer available.
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Old 02-07-2011, 10:51 PM
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Such a great thread and SO close to home but I will have 22 years in March.

Had an emotional phone conversation today with AH (I was crying - he was monotone) He's not yet able to understand that every lie, every drink, every broken promise took a brick out of my foundation with him. I feel like I'm out of love for him and I want out of the chaos. He's relapsed after 16 +/- months sobriety - after near liver failure and inpatient treatment. He doesn't see the relapse as a big deal - more that I'm not willing to work on our relationship. Oh AND he feels if "he stops drinking nothing changes anyway" - wow. They can be so logical and believeable ... I'm a smart one and he still can make my head spin! But my heart doesn't ache anymore - I've noticed this shift and I'm listening to it.

I'm tired of hearing how he's disappointed in me - not sexual enough for him and now he feels I've been that way for 12+ years. He asks "Can you guarantee that you will change if I guarantee I won't drink?" - WHAT?? Then he's civil the next day and it all softens into the sunset - until the next make-no-sense day!

I agree with everyone here that it's good that he's not resisting right now - grow strong and establish yourself. I think that is what I lost the most - myself.

Take care and keep in touch - we need each other!!
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Old 02-08-2011, 04:52 AM
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Originally Posted by ToBeSerene View Post
- more that I'm not willing to work on our relationship. Oh AND he feels if "he stops drinking nothing changes anyway" - wow. They can be so logical and believeable ... I'm a smart one and he still can make my head spin! But my heart doesn't ache anymore - I've noticed this shift and I'm listening to it.

I'm tired of hearing how he's disappointed in me - not sexual enough for him and now he feels I've been that way for 12+ years. He asks "Can you guarantee that you will change if I guarantee I won't drink?" - WHAT?? Then he's civil the next day and it all softens into the sunset - until the next make-no-sense day!
I felt like I was reading my own words. It's always turned back on me. Wishing peace to both you and me!
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