Separating from AH of 18 yrs...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 58
Separating from AH of 18 yrs...
Some might of read in my post about drinking in the middle of the night that I was on the path of divorce when my mom and sister begged me to reconsider and try to work it out. The week was awful. I was immediately thrown into the emotional chaos of a relationship with an alcoholic which caused much pain.
I decided last night to tell him I thought it would be better if we separated so he could concentrate on his issues and I could work on mine. He agreed, he has no remorse and shows no interest in the relationship anyway, any working on the relationship was one-sided. All he wants to do is drink and post on sports gambling forums. I offered to take him to a condo on the beach for his b'day-he said no. I offered to watch a movie with him last night, he said no. I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.
I feel such peace now. I realize I can't live in that relationship. I know things will be hard, but they will be right.
Thanks all for the support you've given to me,
Chelle
I decided last night to tell him I thought it would be better if we separated so he could concentrate on his issues and I could work on mine. He agreed, he has no remorse and shows no interest in the relationship anyway, any working on the relationship was one-sided. All he wants to do is drink and post on sports gambling forums. I offered to take him to a condo on the beach for his b'day-he said no. I offered to watch a movie with him last night, he said no. I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.
I feel such peace now. I realize I can't live in that relationship. I know things will be hard, but they will be right.
Thanks all for the support you've given to me,
Chelle
The Following 22 Users Say Thank You to Chelle3 For This Useful Post: | ANEWAUGUST (02-08-2011),
atalose (02-06-2011),
Carol Star (02-08-2011),
crystal226 (02-08-2011),
dancingnow (02-08-2011),
dollydo (02-05-2011),
johnnymau (02-05-2011),
keepinon (02-06-2011),
Learn2Live (02-05-2011),
LexieCat (02-05-2011),
MissGuided (02-08-2011),
naive (02-08-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
nodaybut2day (02-05-2011),
posiesperson (02-06-2011),
Roon (02-08-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
Shellcrusher (02-07-2011),
theuncertainty (02-06-2011),
tjp613 (02-05-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011),
tryintosmile (02-05-2011)
|
Good for you.
I mean that. Don't be surprised if, at some point, manipulation starts and you feel tempted to get sucked back in.
Bookmark this thread so when it happens, you will remember why it isn't a good idea.
I mean that. Don't be surprised if, at some point, manipulation starts and you feel tempted to get sucked back in.
Bookmark this thread so when it happens, you will remember why it isn't a good idea.
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post: | crystal226 (02-08-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
theuncertainty (02-06-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 58
Hi Lexie, my therapist mentioned that the manipulation could creep in. So far, he's had no reaction to the possibility of divorce except for 15 minutes of sadness. Otherwise, he is calm and seems perfectly fine with it. He even has the whole divorce plan figured out-who gets what, child support, alimony with which he was very generous,
That's what hurts the most, he doesn't seem to care at all. That's hurts.
This time of trying to work it out was most helpful for me. It reminded me of the craziness and how much it effects me. Each time I dip my toes into that it effects me worse. I know I can't go back to that place.
That's what hurts the most, he doesn't seem to care at all. That's hurts.
This time of trying to work it out was most helpful for me. It reminded me of the craziness and how much it effects me. Each time I dip my toes into that it effects me worse. I know I can't go back to that place.
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Chelle3 For This Useful Post: | NewChapter (02-08-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
theuncertainty (02-06-2011),
tjp613 (02-05-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
Well, believe me, "not caring" will be less painful for you in the long run than manipulation, which just tries to keep you in the hell you've been in.
Just keep movin' forward, life will be happy again, I promise.
Just keep movin' forward, life will be happy again, I promise.
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post: | crystal226 (02-08-2011),
jackien41 (02-08-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
theuncertainty (02-06-2011),
tjp613 (02-05-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
This shows amazing insight on your part. It must to so painful to clearly see that this is all he wants out of life, but how freeing for you to know that you can't compete with it, as pathetic as his choice seems. I wish you all good things on your path towards your new life.
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to johnnymau For This Useful Post: | jamaicamecrazy (02-06-2011),
Learn2Live (02-05-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
posiesperson (02-06-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
theuncertainty (02-06-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011),
wicked (02-05-2011)
|
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to wicked For This Useful Post: | dancingnow (02-05-2011),
Learn2Live (02-05-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
posiesperson (02-06-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
Chelle, I'm sorry things have come to this in your marriage, but I'm very glad for a few things:
a) You finding SR
b) You coming to a realization about your AH
c) You starting on the path to a new life
I know how painful this change will be, but believe me when I say it can also be amazingly liberating.
Keep posting. We're always here
a) You finding SR
b) You coming to a realization about your AH
c) You starting on the path to a new life
I know how painful this change will be, but believe me when I say it can also be amazingly liberating.
Keep posting. We're always here

The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post: | atalose (02-06-2011),
Learn2Live (02-05-2011),
posiesperson (02-06-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
tjp613 (02-05-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011),
Verbena (02-08-2011),
wicked (02-05-2011)
|
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post: | Learn2Live (02-05-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
A tough, but needed decision. Be strong in your convictions. He will most likely attempt to work on you at some point. That is what they do. You are well armed with what is to come. And you'll do great.
When I went to the rehab place with my wife, there was an "event" I needed to clarify with the MD on staff. I expressed my concern, and she said, "there's a fair amount of misdirection in these relationships". Right on. I'd not heard that before. But she was right. Use caution and be on the alert for the "misdirection". it will appear.
When I went to the rehab place with my wife, there was an "event" I needed to clarify with the MD on staff. I expressed my concern, and she said, "there's a fair amount of misdirection in these relationships". Right on. I'd not heard that before. But she was right. Use caution and be on the alert for the "misdirection". it will appear.
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to zrx1200R For This Useful Post: | atalose (02-06-2011),
Learn2Live (02-05-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
posiesperson (02-06-2011),
Shellcrusher (02-07-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
(((hugs)))
You know what you can expect from an addict?
Nothing.
And you also can expect unpredictability. Bad as it sounds, enjoy the "f*** if I care" attitude. Just don't rely on it lasting. It's quite possible he doesn't really believe that you're going to leave. I hope he does, I hope it's going to be this "easy" (and I know it's never easy, I know). Just be prepared that it might not.
You know what you can expect from an addict?
Nothing.
And you also can expect unpredictability. Bad as it sounds, enjoy the "f*** if I care" attitude. Just don't rely on it lasting. It's quite possible he doesn't really believe that you're going to leave. I hope he does, I hope it's going to be this "easy" (and I know it's never easy, I know). Just be prepared that it might not.
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post: |
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
He agreed, he has no remorse and shows no interest in the relationship anyway, any working on the relationship was one-sided. All he wants to do is drink and post on sports gambling forums. I offered to take him to a condo on the beach for his b'day-he said no. I offered to watch a movie with him last night, he said no. I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to tryintosmile For This Useful Post: | blwninthewind (02-07-2011),
jamaicamecrazy (02-06-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
posiesperson (02-06-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
It took me to catch the ex cheating to leave, but like your H, my ex just wanted to be left alone with his addiction at the end. He didn't even flinch when I left. He didn't cry, ask for me back, didn't seem sad. Nope, all he cared about was his sporst and his married affair partner and hunting new women.
I was out of the way, so how great for him that he could continue in his sickness. And yes, this is the part that ripped out my heart the most. I was devastated and he just grinned and said "ok, we're over"
And imagine, he had already been sober close to 2 yrs when I left him
It took him 2 months after I left to join a step group and lord knows what prompted him to join that?!
In any case, YES, they love their pain and addiction MUCH more than anyone in their lives.
Sad part is, I know he loved me but his mental illness takes everything from him!
I was out of the way, so how great for him that he could continue in his sickness. And yes, this is the part that ripped out my heart the most. I was devastated and he just grinned and said "ok, we're over"
And imagine, he had already been sober close to 2 yrs when I left him
It took him 2 months after I left to join a step group and lord knows what prompted him to join that?!
In any case, YES, they love their pain and addiction MUCH more than anyone in their lives.
Sad part is, I know he loved me but his mental illness takes everything from him!
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Summerpeach For This Useful Post: | Carol Star (02-08-2011),
CatLover1234 (02-06-2011),
jamaicamecrazy (02-06-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
Chelle,
I know that this has probably been the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make, it takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage, it turns you from a victim into a survivor. And when we are in survivor mode, it’s amazing what we can deal with and accomplish for ourselves.
Based on the fact your mother and sister begged you to reconsider and try working it out, I think it’s safe to say they are not your best support system right now so it may be a good idea not to reply on them with THIS issue at hand. My mom was the same with my divorce years ago. For years she begged me to “do something” about my ex husband and his moods and his controlling. Yet when I made the choice to divorce she thought it was a bad decision!! WHAT…..I quickly learned not to use her as my support, at least not right away.
Him being corporative right now may be beneficial in many ways rather then having it dragged out through the emotional mind field.
Keep posting ((((hugs)))))
I know that this has probably been the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make, it takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage, it turns you from a victim into a survivor. And when we are in survivor mode, it’s amazing what we can deal with and accomplish for ourselves.
Based on the fact your mother and sister begged you to reconsider and try working it out, I think it’s safe to say they are not your best support system right now so it may be a good idea not to reply on them with THIS issue at hand. My mom was the same with my divorce years ago. For years she begged me to “do something” about my ex husband and his moods and his controlling. Yet when I made the choice to divorce she thought it was a bad decision!! WHAT…..I quickly learned not to use her as my support, at least not right away.
Him being corporative right now may be beneficial in many ways rather then having it dragged out through the emotional mind field.
Keep posting ((((hugs)))))
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post: | ToBeSerene (02-07-2011),
wicked (02-06-2011)
|
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I finally realized he just wants to be left alone in his bubble of beer, cigarettes and computer.
Thanks Chelle, I really needed to read that. My husband's father just died and I was frantic because I did not know what that might trigger and because I wanted to be there for him. All I could do was to tell him I was here if he needed me. He has not answered any of my texts. When I spoke to my daughter she said she had spoken to him and offered to go out to dinner with him and he said that while he appreciated the gesture he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts.
Your words help me put many things in perspective. He wants his bubble. He has cut so many people out of his life and I feel sad for all he is giving up but wow-these are HIS choices. It is all part of the disease isn't it?
Thanks Chelle, I really needed to read that. My husband's father just died and I was frantic because I did not know what that might trigger and because I wanted to be there for him. All I could do was to tell him I was here if he needed me. He has not answered any of my texts. When I spoke to my daughter she said she had spoken to him and offered to go out to dinner with him and he said that while he appreciated the gesture he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts.
Your words help me put many things in perspective. He wants his bubble. He has cut so many people out of his life and I feel sad for all he is giving up but wow-these are HIS choices. It is all part of the disease isn't it?
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to jamaicamecrazy For This Useful Post: | CatLover1234 (02-06-2011),
NewChapter (02-08-2011),
seekingcalm (02-08-2011),
StarCat (02-06-2011),
ToBeSerene (02-07-2011),
wicked (02-06-2011)
|
He has cut so many people out of his life and I feel sad for all he is giving up but wow-these are HIS choices. It is all part of the disease isn't it?
jamaicamecrazy, you are pretty amazing in your progress.
The Following User Says Thank You to wicked For This Useful Post: | ToBeSerene (02-07-2011)
|
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 58
Thanks all, I am doing much better on my own, even if he still is in the house, knowing that I'm not emotionally committed to him and that I'm heading in my own direction brings much peace.
Jaimacacrazy, dealing with the self isolation is hard and I think impossible for us who need others to completely understand. I do think it is part of the disease, maybe more towrds the end part, because I think it means they've given up everything else, but we can't change or control that and they certainly won't accept our help. That's when you have to live your own life and like you said, realize it is they're choice.
Jaimacacrazy, dealing with the self isolation is hard and I think impossible for us who need others to completely understand. I do think it is part of the disease, maybe more towrds the end part, because I think it means they've given up everything else, but we can't change or control that and they certainly won't accept our help. That's when you have to live your own life and like you said, realize it is they're choice.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Chelle3 For This Useful Post: | ToBeSerene (02-07-2011),
wicked (02-08-2011)
|
Member
I can honestly say I have no advice. I'm in the same boat but it was my husband who has decided to leave.
I'm taking a mental health class in college and one of the things my instructor said really stuck with me. She said even in the best of circumstances the addict (whether it be drugs or alcohol) will ALWAYS try past coping mechanisms and part of that is manipulation.
and just the other day when I was so upset about my own situation someone made it clear that I'm giving him EXACTLY what he wants ...a reaction. He doesn't care if it's fear or anger...and when I thought back over the years I realized how right she was.
So while your AH is okay with it today...you need to be on watch for the backlash...because it's coming my friend. If he could separate from a relationship in a healthy way then he would have a healthy relationship to start with and there would be no need for a separation.
I know your hurt. I'm so sorry. But I keep telling myself that I am worthy of a healthy relationship with a healthy person. I deserve more than what I've got now or will always have if I beg and plead him to stay. More than that I'll lose what little self respect I have left after nearly 20 yrs of hell.
Tell yourself whatever you have to in order to follow through...that's what I'm doing and I'm slowly begining to believe it!!!
Good luck....we're here for you!
I'm taking a mental health class in college and one of the things my instructor said really stuck with me. She said even in the best of circumstances the addict (whether it be drugs or alcohol) will ALWAYS try past coping mechanisms and part of that is manipulation.
and just the other day when I was so upset about my own situation someone made it clear that I'm giving him EXACTLY what he wants ...a reaction. He doesn't care if it's fear or anger...and when I thought back over the years I realized how right she was.
So while your AH is okay with it today...you need to be on watch for the backlash...because it's coming my friend. If he could separate from a relationship in a healthy way then he would have a healthy relationship to start with and there would be no need for a separation.
I know your hurt. I'm so sorry. But I keep telling myself that I am worthy of a healthy relationship with a healthy person. I deserve more than what I've got now or will always have if I beg and plead him to stay. More than that I'll lose what little self respect I have left after nearly 20 yrs of hell.
Tell yourself whatever you have to in order to follow through...that's what I'm doing and I'm slowly begining to believe it!!!
Good luck....we're here for you!
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to blwninthewind For This Useful Post: | ToBeSerene (02-07-2011),
wicked (02-08-2011)
|
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338

The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jamaicamecrazy For This Useful Post: |
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Such a great thread and SO close to home but I will have 22 years in March.
Had an emotional phone conversation today with AH (I was crying - he was monotone) He's not yet able to understand that every lie, every drink, every broken promise took a brick out of my foundation with him. I feel like I'm out of love for him and I want out of the chaos. He's relapsed after 16 +/- months sobriety - after near liver failure and inpatient treatment. He doesn't see the relapse as a big deal - more that I'm not willing to work on our relationship. Oh AND he feels if "he stops drinking nothing changes anyway" - wow. They can be so logical and believeable ... I'm a smart one and he still can make my head spin! But my heart doesn't ache anymore - I've noticed this shift and I'm listening to it.
I'm tired of hearing how he's disappointed in me - not sexual enough for him and now he feels I've been that way for 12+ years. He asks "Can you guarantee that you will change if I guarantee I won't drink?" - WHAT?? Then he's civil the next day and it all softens into the sunset - until the next make-no-sense day!
I agree with everyone here that it's good that he's not resisting right now - grow strong and establish yourself. I think that is what I lost the most - myself.
Take care and keep in touch - we need each other!!
Had an emotional phone conversation today with AH (I was crying - he was monotone) He's not yet able to understand that every lie, every drink, every broken promise took a brick out of my foundation with him. I feel like I'm out of love for him and I want out of the chaos. He's relapsed after 16 +/- months sobriety - after near liver failure and inpatient treatment. He doesn't see the relapse as a big deal - more that I'm not willing to work on our relationship. Oh AND he feels if "he stops drinking nothing changes anyway" - wow. They can be so logical and believeable ... I'm a smart one and he still can make my head spin! But my heart doesn't ache anymore - I've noticed this shift and I'm listening to it.
I'm tired of hearing how he's disappointed in me - not sexual enough for him and now he feels I've been that way for 12+ years. He asks "Can you guarantee that you will change if I guarantee I won't drink?" - WHAT?? Then he's civil the next day and it all softens into the sunset - until the next make-no-sense day!
I agree with everyone here that it's good that he's not resisting right now - grow strong and establish yourself. I think that is what I lost the most - myself.
Take care and keep in touch - we need each other!!

The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ToBeSerene For This Useful Post: |
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
- more that I'm not willing to work on our relationship. Oh AND he feels if "he stops drinking nothing changes anyway" - wow. They can be so logical and believeable ... I'm a smart one and he still can make my head spin! But my heart doesn't ache anymore - I've noticed this shift and I'm listening to it.
I'm tired of hearing how he's disappointed in me - not sexual enough for him and now he feels I've been that way for 12+ years. He asks "Can you guarantee that you will change if I guarantee I won't drink?" - WHAT?? Then he's civil the next day and it all softens into the sunset - until the next make-no-sense day!
I'm tired of hearing how he's disappointed in me - not sexual enough for him and now he feels I've been that way for 12+ years. He asks "Can you guarantee that you will change if I guarantee I won't drink?" - WHAT?? Then he's civil the next day and it all softens into the sunset - until the next make-no-sense day!
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to whereisthisgoin For This Useful Post: |
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)