...I can see in your post several things that indicate to me you would be well served by going to several Al-Anon meetings. While you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, it is my view that you are doing a lot of what many people call The Fourth C.
- You didn't cause it.
- You can't control it.
- You can't cure it.
- But you can contribute to it.
Your situation is very tough, and I empathize with you and your children. That said, and there is no excuse for his behavior, if my wife said to me some of the things that you indicate you have said to him, and if she treated me like a child instead of an equal, there would be huge, huge problems. I also know this because I did the very same thing to my alcoholic wife-- treated her like a child instead of an equal.
He is not a child, even though he is apparantly acting like one. He's an alcoholic, and despite the issues that come with that (and I know after 13 years with mine), it does not serve you to treat him like, or consider him, a child. He's an adult, alcoholic, man and father, whose parents and maybe his wife continue to treat, and support, him as if he were a child.
Adult relationships, IMHO, don't have "rules," but adults in relationships can and should set boundaries for what they will accept from their partners (though without enforcement the boundaries will be meaningless).
His behavior is telling you all you need to know for you to decide if he should remain your life partner. If you set boundaries, and enforce them, his response to those boundaries will tell you all you need to know for you to decide if he should remain your life partner.
As for this, "I asked him to come back here if he is sober and watch his children so I can work and save money on babysitting ($150 week). I am a RN and I work 12 hour night shifts." This is a HUGE, HUGE part of the problem. You are going to be responsible for everything? You are going to be the only wage earner? You don't need to be the martyr here. One of the very few things I did right when I allowed my wife to return home was to tell her that I would only consider it if she obtained, and kept, a full time job-- any job. I was ready, willing, and able to enforce that boundary. She felt that and honored that. I finally, after seven years, did something right.
May I also suggest that your posts indicate he is far from able to be a full-time caregiver for any children, that he acts like a 12-year old, and that alcoholics don't make good babysitters, especially in the beginning stages of recovery (if he really is)? I just can't conceive of any scenario in which this is a good idea.
Lastly, I would like to point out that you and your husband are at this very moment teaching your children how husbands and wives treat each other. You are setting the stage for their future relationships.
I apologize if this came off harsh. I'm trying to be as gentle as possible. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak