hi hailee-
it doesn't sound like recovery to me. from what you've explained:
1. you are raising the children alone without any help from him;
2. you are the sole financial provider while he lounges at his parent's house;
3. he is blame-shifting and saying that the problems in the relationship are because of you
4. he is verbally abusive
5. he's not interested in the kids unless you and him are a couple
a mistake that i made was that i assumed the xABF thought like i did. he didn't. he was in his own litle fantasy world of entitlement. he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it and anyone who didn't play along with that game, was out.
oh, he could be charming when he wanted something. if that something was denied, the charm left. it was fake charm, pure manipulation.
i wouldn't take on that he doesn't want to be with the kids because of you. he doesn't want to be with the kids because of HIMSELF. that is his responsibility, not yours. your responsibility is YOUR relationship with your children. i understand that you want a father for them, but he is not assuming that responsibility. that is not your fault. while it is certainly less than ideal, it is better than having the children live with an alcoholic.
ok, try turning the tables here. let's say you were him. would you be lounging at your parent's house, accepting their handouts while you had 3 small children somewhere?
let's turn the tables some more. imagine that your partner was working and raising the kids alone. would you then call him up and BLAME HIM for the fact that you were doing nothing for your offspring?
i would render a guess that his only interest in the church counselor is to get information on you that he can use against you. i don't think it's a good idea to share a counselor, especially one who is not trained in addiction and might fall for his manipulations.
if it was me, i would ask the counselor to not take him, and if they chose to, i would find myself a different counselor/therapist where i could not have my confidences perhaps compromised. it really needs to be a safe place FOR YOU. i would imagine that there are plenty of counselors near where he is living that he could use and i really question his sudden need to use the same counselor as you.
i also wouldn't believe one word he says about not drinking and attending AA, because he is not manifesting any of their tenants at this time.