What can I say? I felt/feel the same.
The only thing that comes to mind is another members signature, which I'll probably quote wrong (sorry).
"Strange game, the only winning move is not to play."
Our minds love to play.... with themselves especially, IMHO.
Maybe get others involved who have your best interests in mind.
Know they're no fun to play with, but, a different game with new rules can help.
Tired of "Heads I win, tails you lose"?