I so hear where you are coming from. Blackout drinker myself. Terrible terrible things and only seem to get worse and worse over time. Some nights I dont even know what happened! I shutter to think about it. And as everyone else said, try and move on but always remember that you do not want to ever go through it or feel like this again. It does fade over time. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to change the past, but we can move forward and make our future better.