Well I'll be. I'm not sure what to think. I guess this is a milestone though I'm not a believer in counting days of sobriety. 'X' amount of days sober are not the prize to me. A happy, calm and content sobriety is, whether it be a few months or many years.
It's been a journey and I only feel now as if I've moved away from my life as it was when I was drinking. I've struggled, for sure; just a couple of weeks ago I was close to picking up a drink out of sheer boredom, the 'what's the point' attitude that arose from sinking back into all my old, negative patterns of behaviour and thinking. Turns out the/my antidote was to shake it off by getting out to see people who care about me and who I care about, taking part in activities (like, for me, indoor climbing, the gym), getting a job, as ****** and banal as this one is, just for the sake of having structure in the days again.
So, after 100 days clean, if you'd ask me I'd say that I am finally beginning to feel a measure of peace, a lightness of spirit that I haven't felt in a long time.
I know that I could go back to that hell anytime I want. I understand that relapse happens well before you put the glass or bottle to your lips; it starts when you begin losing sight of what you value more: people, yourself, gratitude, perspective etc.
So that's 100 days down, for what they're worth, which is a lot really. For the next 100 days, the goal is not just simply to stay sober. How boring is that? No, there's lots I need to do. Here's some:
- Ok, they've been a useful crutch since getting off booze, but the endless cigarettes and bottomless coffees have to go. After the physical torture of alcoholic drinking, it's time my body really caught a break.
- Think seriously about my long-term future. There's so many things I want to do but swore I could never do when I was drinking. Being sober makes things seem possible. This bears further investigation.
- Make my mind up about AA. I've resisited far more than I've explored the 12 steps and AA, this in spite of going through a 12 step treatment centre at the start of my recovery. I've been to quite a few meetings since, and there's lots I admire in AA, but for the most part I'm not really comfortable with it. I need to decide whether to go with it or just say, "hey, it's not for me" and be OK about it.
- Get myself up and organised. It's fair to say that these first 100 days have been a sort of hibernation and maybe it's just as well. It's helped to keep things simple, live in one day at a time, and this will bode well for me if I remember it. But getting sober has given me my life back, or at least the promise of it back. It's up to me to wield it for the good of myself and for others. Time to reengage with the world. That can be simple or grand, I'm not sure it matters at this stage.
Anyway, thanks for letting me think aloud on here.
God bless you all.
Hud
x