OK. I reeeeaaallly resonate with your post.
My Sober(i think) recovering A and I have been together for 10 years. Many things , unbelievably humiliating things I endured, I ALLOWED to continue happening for those years.
He is sober, recovering, still struggling, having mental issues, he is still abusive, projecting, scapegoating,...but it is getting a little better, then worse, then better.
Over the years I left so many times, he left too. There were other women, there were betrayals I cant even think about without nausea.
I am making sure that I really can stay away when I leave this time. And I do feel like I want out, but now it is not life or death. Then he makes a progression, and I change my mind until it wells up again...
But I am working on what keeps me in this,
How am I doing that?
A couple of things are really helping me:
I have really been looking at how I am responsible for staying, for allowing myself to accept the abuse. Then accepting that, forgiving myself for using this person to abuse me in the past, and dealing with the present primarily. If you can work on forgiving yourself truly, then you can act from just how you feel right now. It can be as simple as "I do not want this relationship anymore. That is all." But...I know its not a simple thing to get to.
in the present, I am asking myself why I am afraid to walk away?
ONe thing that has happened, and happens is that he will turn it around on me, so that I am to "blame". I have recognized in myself that I, for whatever reason in my life, in my matrix, find it UNBEARABLE to be the one at fault for the failure of our family, our relationship. This goes back to my childhood, my father, my original family.
I am trying to remedy that, now by forgiving myself.
My son sees a counselor for kids. He also happens to be a marriage counselor. Last night, he asked to speak to me alone. He asked me why I could not extricate myself from the dynamic,
"wouldnt it be better, whether A is sober or using, for you to be separate? It is toxic and it is harmful to both of you. WHY cant you leave? You have been trying forever?"
What I said seemed so dumb. I said,
"I tried to ask him to move out, just today, I said I did not like him hanging out in bars, I dont think we get along. I told him I want out. He can see son with visitation, but he turned it around on me, and said...'OH, no. I am leaving you, and I have been going to the bar to escape YOU and your treatment of me.'. ..I cannot bear that. It is not true, and I am not treating him badly. SO then I fight to stay together, to keep trying. It works everytime. He flips, projects, and I have this terrible achilles heel. He knows it. "
The counselor looked at me, and said,
"So. He is right. He WOULD be leaving because of your treatment of him. He does not like being treated as an adult, does not like being made accountable, does not like being disagreed with. Why is that bad? You are making that bad in your mind. So, he is right. That would be his reason for leaving. Can you let that be true? Can you know that he will not see you as 'right' EVER, and he will blame you forever, because of him, not because of you?"
So, his point is, if I leave, saying I do not like this or that, and he comes back and says, he is leaving because of this or that...then OK. Let him go on those terms. The point is, I guess you really do not need to have a reason, a justification, or an OK from him.
Just for the record, let me say here, that you have PLENTY of reasons, justifications, etc. So do I. The past is enough. The present sounds like it is still enough.
If you cant leave it is yours. You might need to forgive yourself for staying this long, make the decision, and take the action.
I am not a know it all. I do not have this figured out, but I am a work in progress, and I am seeing some things.
There is something in you, that attacks you, judges you, and abuses you, and you use this outside person to act it out. This is what I have been doing for years.
So, the theory would go, if you make the decision to accept and forgive yourself for allowing the abuse thus far, then you can say, OK...I now do not want this. Even the good days. I dont want them, either, because they are band aids.
I am still trying, but, I can say this,: As I start to process through this, my fear of leaving and even his behavior is shifting. I think it is because the magnet that I have had on full blast to attract his abuse is getting turned down, and it doesnt give him the charge it used to.
He is kind of being "left" in a sense already, because without me to act out his dance, he is left dancing with himself.
The abuse sounds bad, still, for you. ANd it cant hurt to take measures to talk to your local shelter. They usually consider psychological abuse just as much as physical abuse. You can call them, tell them you want out and need help formulating a plan. Make up a backstory for who the phone calls are to or from,make it something that wont threaten him, (most of these types are controlling, check the phone, get suspicious,etc...) and start making a plan.
I hope my story, and my process is somehow helpful at all.
God Bless you.