How Do You Ever Leave Someone ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
How Do You Ever Leave Someone ...
... when they never expect you will?
I said I would leave when:
- he threatened to kill the dog (13 years ago)
- he started calling me a dumb f*in' c*nt regularly (12 years ago)
- when I overheard him making plans to meet a woman (11 years ago)
- when he told me that he'd been with that woman but they hadn't gone the whole distance (because her husband would have flipped if he'd found out)
- I caught him making out with my sister (9 years ago)
- he smashed my computer (8 years ago)
- he smashed my filing cabinet (8 years ago
- became obsessed with porn dating sites and wanted to meet the women
- I moved him out (6, 4, and 2 years ago)
- an on again - off again 3 year affair - both when he was gone and we were together
- yelling at me and calling me awful names - while I was mourning my father's death (and I said to him - 'I just lost my father and I'll have NO problem losing you' - but apparently I have
and many others - too numerous to mention
... AND I HAVEN'T LEFT!
BUT NOW i REALLY WANT TO LEAVE HIM more than ever before. He drank a lot last night (after a hiatus) and started screaming this morning because his hair brush wasn't where he left it - just flipping out at the top of his lungs, and my mother (who has lung cancer) was in the apartment downstairs so I told him to please keep his voice down as he might wake her up because she doesn't sleep well BECAUSE she has cancer and he said 'I don't give a f*ck'
When you don't leave when you know you should, and THEY know you should, then it's like you're never going to. Then every time those boundaries become stretched a little more - it seems as though they'll always be stretchy and never break. Then you become desensitized to almost anything they say or do (how am I doing here?)
Then - the clincher - to solidify that your boundaries can forever be stretched to the limit, they downplay everything they've done. 'Oh give it a rest - it wasn't THAT big a deal' - 'you're ruining my day, evening, weekend' 'you know I love you and I was just being stupid' - 'you know we've been together for so many years - we'll be together forever'!
Of course he doesn't believe that I will go - and I want to so badly, but I'm so afraid to start the process. Once it's in motion and he realizes that I finally mean it - it could be my worst nightmare. I vacillate between feelings of ecstasy at the thought of finally getting out, and terrible feelings of worry and despair at even the thought of initiating this process. I wish I could understand what is happening to me and why I'm so afraid to make this ultimate decision.
I said I would leave when:
- he threatened to kill the dog (13 years ago)
- he started calling me a dumb f*in' c*nt regularly (12 years ago)
- when I overheard him making plans to meet a woman (11 years ago)
- when he told me that he'd been with that woman but they hadn't gone the whole distance (because her husband would have flipped if he'd found out)
- I caught him making out with my sister (9 years ago)
- he smashed my computer (8 years ago)
- he smashed my filing cabinet (8 years ago
- became obsessed with porn dating sites and wanted to meet the women
- I moved him out (6, 4, and 2 years ago)
- an on again - off again 3 year affair - both when he was gone and we were together
- yelling at me and calling me awful names - while I was mourning my father's death (and I said to him - 'I just lost my father and I'll have NO problem losing you' - but apparently I have
and many others - too numerous to mention
... AND I HAVEN'T LEFT!
BUT NOW i REALLY WANT TO LEAVE HIM more than ever before. He drank a lot last night (after a hiatus) and started screaming this morning because his hair brush wasn't where he left it - just flipping out at the top of his lungs, and my mother (who has lung cancer) was in the apartment downstairs so I told him to please keep his voice down as he might wake her up because she doesn't sleep well BECAUSE she has cancer and he said 'I don't give a f*ck'
When you don't leave when you know you should, and THEY know you should, then it's like you're never going to. Then every time those boundaries become stretched a little more - it seems as though they'll always be stretchy and never break. Then you become desensitized to almost anything they say or do (how am I doing here?)
Then - the clincher - to solidify that your boundaries can forever be stretched to the limit, they downplay everything they've done. 'Oh give it a rest - it wasn't THAT big a deal' - 'you're ruining my day, evening, weekend' 'you know I love you and I was just being stupid' - 'you know we've been together for so many years - we'll be together forever'!
Of course he doesn't believe that I will go - and I want to so badly, but I'm so afraid to start the process. Once it's in motion and he realizes that I finally mean it - it could be my worst nightmare. I vacillate between feelings of ecstasy at the thought of finally getting out, and terrible feelings of worry and despair at even the thought of initiating this process. I wish I could understand what is happening to me and why I'm so afraid to make this ultimate decision.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 39
I wasn't with my ex for as long as you have been, but I certainly threatened and tried to leave many times. I left him for good a few months ago and he mocked me about how I've said this before. I said this time I'm serious and he laughed and said "Yeah, you've said that before too." It was infuriating, but I realized that no matter my past I have a chance to change my future. I tried the "friends" thing and it was too hard. No contact has been my saving grace. Best of luck to you! You deserve better 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
You only know when you've had enough when you KNOW you've had more than enough.
Then you brush the dust off your feet and leave.
There is a better life out there waiting for you.
Take good care.
Then you brush the dust off your feet and leave.
There is a better life out there waiting for you.
Take good care.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Do you have support in 3d?
LIke a group or something like that?
I think if you had outside support
you wouldn't feel like you were cutting your own throat.
I read something somwhere
about someone who was talking about the slaves
when once freed they stayed and continued at the very farms
that held them prisioner
because the prison they knew
was more familiar
than the freedom they couldn't imagine.
Something like that.
YOur post made me think of that.
Do you attend meetings?
Or belong to a group?
If you don't
maybe you might consider finding a group
in your area.
There's even groups
for family members of people with cancer
TO support each other
during the family member's illness.
Would you consider looking into something like that?
LIke a group or something like that?
I think if you had outside support
you wouldn't feel like you were cutting your own throat.
I read something somwhere
about someone who was talking about the slaves
when once freed they stayed and continued at the very farms
that held them prisioner
because the prison they knew
was more familiar
than the freedom they couldn't imagine.
Something like that.
YOur post made me think of that.
Do you attend meetings?
Or belong to a group?
If you don't
maybe you might consider finding a group
in your area.
There's even groups
for family members of people with cancer
TO support each other
during the family member's illness.
Would you consider looking into something like that?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I don't know if he has been physically abusive with you also or just with inanimate objects, but what you have described in your post is a list of mental and emotional abuse over many years.
Please get the phone number of the Domestic Violence Center in your area, may be listed at "Domestic Violence" or "Battered Women Hotline" or something similar. Verbal abuse, resulting in mental and emotional abuse can be more harming than physical abuse.
I hope you will get the number and call them. DV centers nowadays have lots of 'help' available from counseling, to assistance in either getting him out of your home, or helping you in moving you and in this case your mother downstairs, as I assume you are caring for her.
DV centers have come a long way, and probably help you to get some legal advice also.
You will do this when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It sounds like you are getting close.
In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much! Even though we cannot be there with you physically we are there with you in spirit .................. when you are feeling down, please picture all of us in whatever room you are in at the moment, it does help.
Love and hugs,
Please get the phone number of the Domestic Violence Center in your area, may be listed at "Domestic Violence" or "Battered Women Hotline" or something similar. Verbal abuse, resulting in mental and emotional abuse can be more harming than physical abuse.
I hope you will get the number and call them. DV centers nowadays have lots of 'help' available from counseling, to assistance in either getting him out of your home, or helping you in moving you and in this case your mother downstairs, as I assume you are caring for her.
DV centers have come a long way, and probably help you to get some legal advice also.
You will do this when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It sounds like you are getting close.
In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much! Even though we cannot be there with you physically we are there with you in spirit .................. when you are feeling down, please picture all of us in whatever room you are in at the moment, it does help.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I strongly suggest you do what Laurie says. You will benefit greatly from DV counseling.
The national DV Hotline website is here: National Domestic Violence Hotline
They will be happy to refer you to services in your area.
Here is a listing of agencies by state: http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/state/
PLEASE CALL TODAY. They can help you more than you realize.
The national DV Hotline website is here: National Domestic Violence Hotline
They will be happy to refer you to services in your area.
Here is a listing of agencies by state: http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/state/
PLEASE CALL TODAY. They can help you more than you realize.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Glad you posted here. The thing that struck a chord with me is how clear you are about this negative pattern. You very clear that you can set a boundary and then it "gets stretched". You are clear that it will be a change from doing things as usual.
When going through this experience myself and saw the pattern it was scary. Separating and maintaining that separateness is scary no matter when it happens. I did it in stages with the help of support. So getting support is essential - the kind that will understand what you are going through.
Work on a plan so you know where you be, what will be yours and how you will support yourself. You have gone through this before and know how it goes so try bolstering the weak link in the chain.
Make a list as you did here to stay with you at all times to remind yourself why you made this decision. Find out how to maintain a boundary. EVeryone seems to know how to make them - but keeping them is harder.
Obviously it is possible to live separate lives if you choose. In my situation, we work at the same place and see each other everyday. I had to set firmer limits there than I am comfortable but it became necessary. We did file amicably and will eventually complete this process so I guess I am letting you that no matter what the situation is you can get through it.
When going through this experience myself and saw the pattern it was scary. Separating and maintaining that separateness is scary no matter when it happens. I did it in stages with the help of support. So getting support is essential - the kind that will understand what you are going through.
Work on a plan so you know where you be, what will be yours and how you will support yourself. You have gone through this before and know how it goes so try bolstering the weak link in the chain.
Make a list as you did here to stay with you at all times to remind yourself why you made this decision. Find out how to maintain a boundary. EVeryone seems to know how to make them - but keeping them is harder.
Obviously it is possible to live separate lives if you choose. In my situation, we work at the same place and see each other everyday. I had to set firmer limits there than I am comfortable but it became necessary. We did file amicably and will eventually complete this process so I guess I am letting you that no matter what the situation is you can get through it.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hi honey, he doesn't have to agree to, like, be happy about or even expect that you are going to leave, in order for you to be entirely justified in doing so. It is your decision, not his.
relationships break down, people decide to leave, all over the world, every day, they do not have to get the approval and permission of their partner to do so, because we are free autonomous beings. Thier ex's may be surprised, angry, upset, but the world keeps turning, and the leaver isn't locked up or ostricised. you have endured enough. far beyond enough. those helplines and contacts above sound a really good idea. (())
relationships break down, people decide to leave, all over the world, every day, they do not have to get the approval and permission of their partner to do so, because we are free autonomous beings. Thier ex's may be surprised, angry, upset, but the world keeps turning, and the leaver isn't locked up or ostricised. you have endured enough. far beyond enough. those helplines and contacts above sound a really good idea. (())
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
You leave when it's enough. We all have different tolerance levels and for me, anyone who would threaten my animal, would be gone that day!
My ex stopped drinking, went into AA, but then the lies started. The lies, the verbal abuse, the gaslighting and my tolerance level was hit the day I caught him cheating.
I left and never looked back!
You just leave, Gather good support (al anon, friends, family) and take it a day at a time. It's horribly painful, but not as painful as losing all dignity.
My ex stopped drinking, went into AA, but then the lies started. The lies, the verbal abuse, the gaslighting and my tolerance level was hit the day I caught him cheating.
I left and never looked back!
You just leave, Gather good support (al anon, friends, family) and take it a day at a time. It's horribly painful, but not as painful as losing all dignity.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't have to justify it to him, that's the bottom line.
There isn't an "application for permission to leave" that he (or anyone else) has to approve.
THAT'S the key. It isn't anyone's decision but yours, and the only person you need to satisfy is yourself. Sounds to me like you've had enough. That's all the reason you need.
There isn't an "application for permission to leave" that he (or anyone else) has to approve.
THAT'S the key. It isn't anyone's decision but yours, and the only person you need to satisfy is yourself. Sounds to me like you've had enough. That's all the reason you need.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
You are in an abusive relationship. I agree with laurie that as well as resources for friends and family of alcoholics, getting some advice/assistance from a DV organisation is a good idea.
Leaving? Well.. One day you wake up and that little voice in your head you've been shussshing for so long says, 'I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore'.
You stop focussing on trying to bear the situation and start planning to remove yourself from it. You decide whether you need support in leaving and start finding it. You put the plan into place and then you leave.
Then comes the hard work of staying 'gone'.
It's a process. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, leaving will be the next logical step.
Leaving? Well.. One day you wake up and that little voice in your head you've been shussshing for so long says, 'I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore'.
You stop focussing on trying to bear the situation and start planning to remove yourself from it. You decide whether you need support in leaving and start finding it. You put the plan into place and then you leave.
Then comes the hard work of staying 'gone'.
It's a process. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, leaving will be the next logical step.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
I am so sorry you have had to live like that. I lived the same way and stayed for 25 years. He didn't just threaten to kill my dog, he killed my dog and then laughed about how many bullets it took to kill him. I didn't leave, I allowed him to mentally and verbally abuse me and and tell me how worthless I was until I believed it. I felt like I was trapped with no way out, I could deal with what had become normal to me and was afraid of the unknown. It took hitting my rock bottom to wake up and realize it was time to take back the control that I had given him. I look back now and can not believe that I lived like that for 25 years. I wish the best for you from someone who has been there.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Reading your post made me want to run over there and throw all of his **** out the window!! Whose apartment is it anyway?
I put up with it as long as I did because being in that kind of situation, dealing with that kind of person, slowly destroys who you are, destroys your self confidence, and creates mental health problems like depression. All of which can paralyze us. Please go to AlAnon!! And yes, call the DV people who can help you with the practical parts of getting AWAY from this a$$hole you are with. You may think "But he is so sweet and such a good person when he is sober" or "deep down inside" but please hear me when I tell you he is an a$$hole and he is not going to change. (((hugs)))
I put up with it as long as I did because being in that kind of situation, dealing with that kind of person, slowly destroys who you are, destroys your self confidence, and creates mental health problems like depression. All of which can paralyze us. Please go to AlAnon!! And yes, call the DV people who can help you with the practical parts of getting AWAY from this a$$hole you are with. You may think "But he is so sweet and such a good person when he is sober" or "deep down inside" but please hear me when I tell you he is an a$$hole and he is not going to change. (((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by tjp613 
I strongly suggest you do what Laurie says. You will benefit greatly from DV counseling.
The national DV Hotline website is here: National Domestic Violence Hotline
They will be happy to refer you to services in your area.
Here is a listing of agencies by state: State Resources << Violence Against Women << womenshealth.gov
PLEASE CALL TODAY. They can help you more than you realize.
The national DV Hotline website is here: National Domestic Violence Hotline
They will be happy to refer you to services in your area.
Here is a listing of agencies by state: State Resources << Violence Against Women << womenshealth.gov
PLEASE CALL TODAY. They can help you more than you realize.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Just as an aside.. fate, HP, whatever you wish to call it, stepped in to haul my ass out of the situation. My ex attacked me and put me in hospital. The week running up to that I had the sorries and I love yous and I don't want you to go. He'd been physical before, but none of that prepared me for what he eventually did.
I'm not saying your A is going to harm you physically.. but please.. stay safe.
I'm not saying your A is going to harm you physically.. but please.. stay safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by JenT1968
hi honey, he doesn't have to agree to, like, be happy about or even expect that you are going to leave, in order for you to be entirely justified in doing so. It is your decision, not his.
relationships break down, people decide to leave, all over the world, every day, they do not have to get the approval and permission of their partner to do so, because we are free autonomous beings. Thier ex's may be surprised, angry, upset, but the world keeps turning, and the leaver isn't locked up or ostricised. you have endured enough. far beyond enough. those helplines and contacts above sound a really good idea. (())
relationships break down, people decide to leave, all over the world, every day, they do not have to get the approval and permission of their partner to do so, because we are free autonomous beings. Thier ex's may be surprised, angry, upset, but the world keeps turning, and the leaver isn't locked up or ostricised. you have endured enough. far beyond enough. those helplines and contacts above sound a really good idea. (())
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
control! Why would he let go of something he has total control over. Makes his weak self feel powerful.
No one has control over you cept you. But when you're in the midst of the madness, it doesn't feel that way.
Have you ever heard of this
http://www.mental-health-matters.com...article&id=167
It's common in abusive relationships.
No one has control over you cept you. But when you're in the midst of the madness, it doesn't feel that way.
Have you ever heard of this
http://www.mental-health-matters.com...article&id=167
It's common in abusive relationships.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
oh boy, you really need some support to get out of this abusive relationship.
Here are some provincially based resources for you:
HPP Canada: domestic violence information
Do you have family you could go stay with for a while, to get your rest? Time away from him will help a great deal...
Here are some provincially based resources for you:
HPP Canada: domestic violence information
Do you have family you could go stay with for a while, to get your rest? Time away from him will help a great deal...
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