Sad
Hi all,
I'm having a sad day and I just wanted to express my thoughts here. Just let it out.
I decided to get sober in mid-October and move on from my boyfriend of 4.5 years. It wasn't as hard as it sounds. I had been detaching throughout the year and was ready to move on with my life. My life was just going nowhere, his drinking was really bad and he was mean and no longer loving and I just knew that the life I wanted wasn't going to happen as long as I stayed there.
So I cut back on drinking until it was zero, stopped enabling as much as I could in ways I didn't even know were enabling and quietly left while he threw one of his fits towards me one night.
Since then, we have only talked a handful of times. He sent some wallowing emails saying he needs help and how his life isn't working. (I already know that but he hasn't been ready to admit it himself.) He tried to get me to rescue him through the holidays because all of his party friends would be busy, but I stayed strong and kept him blocked during the holidays - didn't even speak or email. Since that time, his family from out of state and I have been talking and they had decided to come down for a visit and try to do an intervention. They said they knew his drinking had been bad for years but didn't know it was this bad. (His doctor recently said he has less than two years left to live.)
Since the decision to come down, they have started to get scared of his anger and are now going to "talk to him" and try to get him to go to rehab or detox. They contacted him just to tell him they would be coming into town and casually asking how his "drinking problem" was and his response was, "No one but you think it's a drinking problem. Everyone else thinks it's just drinking."
I feel annoyed and disrespected. I realize that someone cannot get help unless they want help. But I'm annoyed at the "Please help me emails" and then later the story changes, which he has done for years. I know that's part of the denial, but I feel used and disrespected.
I just want the broken record to stop. I'm mad that he comes to me asking for help or hoping to get something out of me, but goes to the party friends for friendship and "good times." I'm hurt that the friends are worthy of the happy friendship even if it is a mask, and I'm only worthy of "What can I do for you today...."
I'm really happy that I decided to get sober. My life has been gradually getting better. I traded in my car recently and bought a brand new townhouse this week! I'm getting in shape and looking better and focusing on putting my money to savings, my home and better things. My emotions are so much better. Even when I'm "sad" I wouldn't call it sad the way it had been when I was drinking.
But I have to admit, it's hard not to be sad that someone chose alcohol and party friends over me. It's hard not to be mad when someone comes to when they need/want something but not as any genuine friendship.