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Old 01-27-2011, 07:46 AM
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Sad

Hi all,

I'm having a sad day and I just wanted to express my thoughts here. Just let it out.

I decided to get sober in mid-October and move on from my boyfriend of 4.5 years. It wasn't as hard as it sounds. I had been detaching throughout the year and was ready to move on with my life. My life was just going nowhere, his drinking was really bad and he was mean and no longer loving and I just knew that the life I wanted wasn't going to happen as long as I stayed there.

So I cut back on drinking until it was zero, stopped enabling as much as I could in ways I didn't even know were enabling and quietly left while he threw one of his fits towards me one night.

Since then, we have only talked a handful of times. He sent some wallowing emails saying he needs help and how his life isn't working. (I already know that but he hasn't been ready to admit it himself.) He tried to get me to rescue him through the holidays because all of his party friends would be busy, but I stayed strong and kept him blocked during the holidays - didn't even speak or email. Since that time, his family from out of state and I have been talking and they had decided to come down for a visit and try to do an intervention. They said they knew his drinking had been bad for years but didn't know it was this bad. (His doctor recently said he has less than two years left to live.)

Since the decision to come down, they have started to get scared of his anger and are now going to "talk to him" and try to get him to go to rehab or detox. They contacted him just to tell him they would be coming into town and casually asking how his "drinking problem" was and his response was, "No one but you think it's a drinking problem. Everyone else thinks it's just drinking."

I feel annoyed and disrespected. I realize that someone cannot get help unless they want help. But I'm annoyed at the "Please help me emails" and then later the story changes, which he has done for years. I know that's part of the denial, but I feel used and disrespected.

I just want the broken record to stop. I'm mad that he comes to me asking for help or hoping to get something out of me, but goes to the party friends for friendship and "good times." I'm hurt that the friends are worthy of the happy friendship even if it is a mask, and I'm only worthy of "What can I do for you today...."

I'm really happy that I decided to get sober. My life has been gradually getting better. I traded in my car recently and bought a brand new townhouse this week! I'm getting in shape and looking better and focusing on putting my money to savings, my home and better things. My emotions are so much better. Even when I'm "sad" I wouldn't call it sad the way it had been when I was drinking.

But I have to admit, it's hard not to be sad that someone chose alcohol and party friends over me. It's hard not to be mad when someone comes to when they need/want something but not as any genuine friendship.
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Old 01-27-2011, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
I'm really happy that I decided to get sober. My life has been gradually getting better. I traded in my car recently and bought a brand new townhouse this week! I'm getting in shape and looking better and focusing on putting my money to savings, my home and better things. My emotions are so much better. Even when I'm "sad" I wouldn't call it sad the way it had been when I was drinking.
Congrats on the sober time. You should be proud of your accomplishments. Sounds like you are reaping the rewards of the decisions you've made. Focus on that; focus on yourself. Not him!

Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
But I have to admit, it's hard not to be sad that someone chose alcohol and party friends over me. It's hard not to be mad when someone comes to when they need/want something but not as any genuine friendship.
It's understandable to be disappointed in someone. But if he is making you sad, if it's impeding your recovery, something is wrong. I don't know what detaching is, exactly, except I've seen the term on the F&F forums. But if he's dragging you down, you are still "attached" somehow.

Best of luck, GG3, and continued progress.
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Old 01-27-2011, 12:53 PM
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Keep focusing on yourself, goldengirl3, your doing the right thing. I would pray for some sort of intervention, divine or intercessory, to help put your ex on the road to recovery. We will continue to pray for him and yourself with the best of intentions.
~God Bless~


"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies"
~The Shawshank Redemption~
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Old 01-27-2011, 01:10 PM
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When I broke it off with my lover of 5 years ...it was to
protect my early sobriety. He supported my recovery efforts .
The only time he wanted to quit....was to keep his job.

Like you....I thrived.....and as far as I know...he's still a drunk
I've moved and left no way for him to contact me.
Unless children are involved...why continue to drag it out?

I'm sorry your ex is still drinking....but I wonder why you are
keeping in touch with a toxic man or his family?

Not all loves are healthy or meant to be forever.

Well done on your progress..
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Old 01-27-2011, 02:02 PM
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We aren't friends or anything, no friend chitchat. I took him to an AA meeting once. (He asked me to) And he's contacted a few times wanting help. But that's it and it's less and less.

I was doing well and happy and then I got sad.

I guess it's hard to let go.

It's hard for me not to take it personally that he would rather be drunk and party than to be with me. (He's 48, not 20 btw)
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