Jakers

I have no idea where to begin. I will try to keep it short.

my xbf (as of 12/26/10), who i live with, is an alcoholic. is narcissistic. is emotionally abusive. is always angry. is controlling. blames me for everything. lives to wake up everyday to go to work to make money. its always about the money.

we were friends for 5 yrs before we got together. that was 8 1/2 yrs ago. thats when he started drinking again. i never knew his drinking history until after i decided i was going to be with him. the sex stopped and the blame and emotional hate began.

I tell myself, and i believe, i am a strong person. i have never lived with a person such as him. i know i can not help him or make him quit - let alone have him see what he does to my feelings and self worth.

i have so many questions but i will not ask them all now. i will ask how do i mentally and emotionally help myself, living with and mostly caring about a man who i know loves me, but yet feels so much hate and self-loathing about life and himself? he is a true alcoholic and he knows it. he drank for many years and quit for 7ish years. then i came along - which i am reminded of.
why do i continue living with him? i have reasons but in the end they are probably excuses. he has made me feel like most angry alcoholics make their other halfs feel.

my question i guess is ~ is it possible for me to continue living with someone, who is all about himself, money and his friends (who make him money), and have the right to believe he will change? i know he will not do it for me. is it right to believe that once someone has quit before, that they can do it again? is it harder the second time around? sometimes i believe he is so emotionally disconnected, that there is nothing i can ever do.

i loved him very much. i gave everything i had. i broke up with him so i didnt have to care like i always did.

sorry - i said i was going to keep it short. i have so much more. im so confused. angry. hurt. isolated. very lost.