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I need help to understand

Old 01-22-2011, 10:58 PM
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I need help to understand

I have no idea where to begin. I will try to keep it short.

my xbf (as of 12/26/10), who i live with, is an alcoholic. is narcissistic. is emotionally abusive. is always angry. is controlling. blames me for everything. lives to wake up everyday to go to work to make money. its always about the money.

we were friends for 5 yrs before we got together. that was 8 1/2 yrs ago. thats when he started drinking again. i never knew his drinking history until after i decided i was going to be with him. the sex stopped and the blame and emotional hate began.

I tell myself, and i believe, i am a strong person. i have never lived with a person such as him. i know i can not help him or make him quit - let alone have him see what he does to my feelings and self worth.

i have so many questions but i will not ask them all now. i will ask how do i mentally and emotionally help myself, living with and mostly caring about a man who i know loves me, but yet feels so much hate and self-loathing about life and himself? he is a true alcoholic and he knows it. he drank for many years and quit for 7ish years. then i came along - which i am reminded of.
why do i continue living with him? i have reasons but in the end they are probably excuses. he has made me feel like most angry alcoholics make their other halfs feel.

my question i guess is ~ is it possible for me to continue living with someone, who is all about himself, money and his friends (who make him money), and have the right to believe he will change? i know he will not do it for me. is it right to believe that once someone has quit before, that they can do it again? is it harder the second time around? sometimes i believe he is so emotionally disconnected, that there is nothing i can ever do.

i loved him very much. i gave everything i had. i broke up with him so i didnt have to care like i always did.

sorry - i said i was going to keep it short. i have so much more. im so confused. angry. hurt. isolated. very lost.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:27 PM
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Normies dont spend hours days weeks months years wondering what they are doing wrong in their life and knowing deep down the real reason is the stupid relationship they stay in.
Normies dont just keep on keepin on waiting for things to change but changing nothing!!!

Three days ago I told XAH that he could not move across country and expect to live with me without some very strict terms. I told him I was tired of his unpredictable and volatile mood swings. I told him that I was over his bad behavior and drunken escapades. Including his stupid stories of being drugged at the casino, being abducted by aliens and hiding in the bushes behind his house because he was being chased by bad guys. I told him that I would no longer have conversations with him over the phone because he continues to call me names. I told him I would not subject my son to his crap and that i was worn thin by his stupid flowers, sparklies, and insincere apologies. He told me that i was being unreasonable and was ruining his life. In the short version i calmly explained to him that he ruined his own life. He got fired from his dream job because of his alcoholism and temper tantrums. You know what kids? I finally told him that i am a funny, intelligent, awesome woman who is loyal and devoted and special and God Bless It i deserve someone in my life who respects that and can reciprocate and appreciates my value as a woman and a person. Guess what? It has been radio silence ever since. He hasnt called, written or texted. Normally, i would be freaking out wondering if he is ok. Today... Not so much. He is a grown ass man who has to figure it out for himself. His consequences are his own and my life is wide open to be MINE!!!
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:32 PM
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Hi Jakers,

I'm a recovering alcoholic and normally do not post here in F&F, but your story moved me to post instead of passing as usual.

It's truly sad that you're dealing with someone who is as you described, and unfortunate still that I was the same as that someone before.

Recovery from alcoholism is a struggle for those who want it and I'd say impossible for those who don't. I drank for many reasons and one was to drown my feelings for I didn't know how to deal with them, so it was easier to just try to drown them out. Many alcoholics drink for this reason and that makes us terrible partners in any relationship. I'd love to say all will work out as you desire, but the truth is most often not that way. You stated that you've given all you could and what's sadly true is that most who love alcoholics do the same and end up with an empty basket to show for it. My ex-wife did and although we are on good terms today, my use of alcohol killed our relationship, shattered it beyond repair and your story sounds so similar it hurts me to read it.

I don't have any answers to offer and hope others respond shortly to help you begin to find your way again. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and let you know some of us do recover, but it takes tons of time and struggle and is an ongoing process, so it may be best to start working on you and let him follow his path alone. Only then will you find yourself and have a chance to build a new life.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:54 PM
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Jakers, your story is not uncommon. I think you'll find that the people here will understand you in a way that you will find surprising.

Just a couple thoughts for you first of all--have you thought about attending Al-Anon? You may find the support there to be helpful. Also, if you haven't read it, I recommend a book called Codependent No More. I suspect you'll see yourself in the pages and maybe get some insight to why you're feeling the way you do. You say you are a strong woman (and I believe you), but if you considering being in a relationship with this man, you should probably investigate why that is.

I wish I could answer your questions about people who have quit and relapsed and how successful they are when they quit again, but I don't have experience with that. I suspect, though, that he won't quit until he hits some kind of "bottom" that makes him realize his drinking is a problem. Who knows how long that will take? Do you want to wait for that? You described him as "narcissistic...emotionally abusive...always angry...controlling" Living with someone like that for any length of time can have a negative affect on your own self-worth.

My advice is to stay separated from him and if you do talk to him about the possibility of getting back together, be prepared to outline some very specific requirements--some length of demonstrated sobriety, a program or counseling of some kind...whatever it is that you think is appropriate. I was told once by a counselor that everyone has a right to have expectations in their relationship and has a right to have their needs met. They can ask their partner for that, and then the partner has a right to decide whether they can do it. You have a right not to be controlled, emotionally abused and treated poorly. If he shows by his actions that he cannot be that partner, you owe it to yourself to move on.

I'm rambling here, but I'm trying to convey to you that you deserve to be happy, and the situation you were in does not sound conducive to being happy. Loving him isn't enough. Love yourself first and most, be confident in what it is you deserve and make an honest assessment of whether he can give you that. Best wishes to you. Keep coming back here. There is so much understanding and support from people who have been where you are.

Best wishes, and God bless us all.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:56 PM
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I just wanted to add... I have known XAH for 22 years... More than half my life. He NEVER delivers everything he says he will, just pieces and parts. I have come to think of him as my "slot machine man". You drop in your hopes and dreams.... Hope for the big payout... And he sucks you dry. Once in awhile, he will reward you just enough to keep you coming home or answering the phone (the bonus spin) but you will soon be absolutely broke if you keep playing the game. I have loved this man for so long, i suspect i will always love him... But i recognize after all this time he has not progressed past 17 years old!!! He is angry and volatile and dangerous to himself and others. He will never never be capable of having an honest relationship with me. He will never be the guy who can spend evenings at home or holidays with my family. We will never have a child together. We will never travel or try new things. It's all this and more. For me... The idea of what might be is not enough to make up for the way it is and the way it has been. I am learning we all find our own way. At some point you will decide what is enough for you. The final awakwning for me came when i quit crying and stopped caring.

SR has helped so much to open my eyes and reinforce that i am right about xah. Sometimes i am strong... Sometimes i am weak... Ultimately my first and only duty is to my child and myself.

Be well!!! You will find friends here. Bet on you.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:59 PM
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Wise words Michelle.... Thank you
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:13 AM
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I second the idea of going to Al-Anon. Living with an alcoholic f**ks with your head. It is very difficult to see the truth about yourself, your relationship, and your partner while you are still enmeshed in the insanity.

Get your own head clear, and you will be amazed at what you learn you are, and are not, willing to tolerate. You will learn whether your hopes and expectations are real or whether they are pipe dreams. You will learn how to create the life you really want for yourself. Not that you can control everything--much of what happens in life is out of our control. But you can open yourself up to the possibility of living in a way that allows you to experience the good things life has to offer.
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Old 01-23-2011, 08:19 AM
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Hi Jakers and welcome to the forum.

YOu're not alone any more.

Welcome.
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Old 01-23-2011, 04:42 PM
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Thank you Barb - ive been here 24 hours and I dont feel alone. Its such a great feeling finally. Thank you all for your replies.

I talked to him today, after a really bad night last night, and asked if he would go to meetings. I said there were different kinds and all he had to do was sit and listen. He said no because he dont want to hear what they have to say. I know he dont want to hear the truth. I told him I would go, that I was the best support he had. I know he wont go. Hes not ready.

In the beginning I didnt feel worthy of myself. I had never lived with an alcoholic (except for my dad, but I dont remember much of that.), so I didnt understand the blame and angry, hurtful words. I told him I understand why he is the way he is. Its common for alcoholics to blame, be angry and say mean things. It took me along time to know it is not my fault. I became emotionally stronger. The tears are not gone. I care about him but somehow its a different kind of care now.

He has a huge loving family (9 siblings) who were there for him when he quit before. Should I go to them and ask for help? They know about his drinking, but Im not so sure they know how bad he has gotten. Its not an everyday thing - his words are hurtful but his "bad" drinking doesnt happen often. I did tell him I dont think he can do it on his own. I told him it would take tremendous strength, determination and will power.

As far as leaving him - I would need all the strength, determination and will power available I think. It is very hard to leave something you have become so molded too. I havent worked in 8 1/2 years. I have stayed home and basically away from society as he wanted. It was easier that way. I didnt have to answer any questions of where I had been etc.

I told him every relapse makes it harder to recover. Is that true? I believe in my heart that he can recover. His issues go so deep and he has never had to deal with them. He never had a reason to do so. Thats why he gets so angry at me I think, is because I dont hide them. I remind him of things that made him this way. Am I wrong for doing that? Have I done everything I can for him? I know I cant make him recover. He has to do it for him and only him. I know he loves me but he feels pain when he loves things.

Is there a way to make him realize he needs help and that he probably cant do it on his own? He knows he has a problem, hes been there before. He dont want to face the truth about his life. I know the root of it all and he dont talk about it. He dont talk about much other than work. I want to help him but I cant get through all his walls. Deep inside his soul he is a good person.

Thank you again. Only my bff (his nephew) knows what he is like first hand, so he is the only one Ive been able to talk to. It feels good to have a place like this to talk, get incite and not feel alone. Alone is an awful place to be.
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Old 01-23-2011, 06:16 PM
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Jakers,

You can't MAKE him do anything. All you can change is yourself.

You'd be surprised how strong you can get. You've been pretty strong, anyway, living with this mess for so long.

Don't worry about leaving or not leaving right now. Don't worry about what to do to get him sober--there isn't much you can personally do. Contrary to what you told him, you are NOT the best support he has--other alcoholics are. As much as we would like to help, it's difficult to realize it but there is very little we can do to get someone else sober.

What you need to do is to take care of yourself, and you WILL get stronger. You don't have to leave him unless you decide that is what you want for yourself. Nobody will tell you what you have to do.

Please try some meetings for yourself. Really. They can help.
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Old 01-23-2011, 06:24 PM
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Don't worry about what to do to get him sober--there isn't much you can personally do. Contrary to what you told him, you are NOT the best support he has--other alcoholics are.
Jakers, it is true you can do nothing about his alcoholism.
And, if his issues are that deep, why hasnt he seen a professional?
Please take care of yourself.

Beth
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Old 01-23-2011, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Jakers,

You can't MAKE him do anything. All you can change is yourself.
This bears repeating.

You simply do not have the power to MAKE him realize/think/feel/do anything. Not a thing. That power lies in his hands only.

Seeing as you cannot change him in any way, the only thing left to do is care for the single most important person in your life: *you*.

Find some meeting. Find some individual counselling too. Hang out on SR lots. You're starting on quite a journey and you can use all the support that you can get.
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Old 01-23-2011, 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SoOverit321 View Post
He is a grown ass man who has to figure it out for himself. His consequences are his own and my life is wide open to be MINE!!!
Great words to live by, in my case I just need to change the gender. Sorry, but I have to write it out for me to read, re-read and re-read.

She is a grown ass woman who has to figure it out for herself. Her consequences are her own and my life is wide open to be MINE!!!
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:29 PM
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Spend that energy on yourself instead of him and let him find his own way.

Your love and understanding are falling on deaf ears at this point. And is he treating you in as loving a manner?

The drinking is NEVER and excuse to treat someone poorly. Don't take it as one. He sounds like an angry drunk. Not all alcoholics are like him.

Living in that situation sounds draining and what are you getting out of it?

Just questions to think about.

Hope you find your own way.
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:45 PM
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Thank you Lexie. And thank you for telling me I dont have to leave. There is a part of me that thinks I should, but most of me feels like it would only hurt him more. Would give him even more of a reason to drink. So for now I will stay.

I am trying to help myself. It was really hard for me to look online and find places to read. Reading things brings back all those memories I had tucked away. But being here and reading has made me realize, that without me knowing, I needed to face all those feelings and pain again.

As far as going to meetings/counseling myself, its really hard because I dont have his support. I know it sounds like an excuse, but its true. Its hurtful when you dont have support from the one person that should be there to give it. This is all a process for me. I do think about it but Im not quite there yet.

I know I sound like Im making alot of excuses for both of us. It took alot of soul searching and endless tears to tell him I was breaking up with him. I knew it would take away the control he thought he had over me. It has made a difference in how I look at things now. Made me realize I was only draining myself. I feel different now. I have alot more feelings to go. It will take alot of work, but I know I will be okay.
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:57 PM
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You don't need his OK to take care of yourself. That is a God-given right that you have.

Let him be upset, but get some help and face-to-face support for yourself. You are entitled to the chance to be happy.
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