I just got a personal response from an individual and as I don't have enough posts it wont allow me to answer directly. The content of the response ( I apologize if I in any way distort the message.) is that ACOA are at a great risk of becoming alcoholics and possibly it was my subconscious warning me to not take the chance.
I of course thank this individual very much for taking the time to contact me, and I wish I could have responded directly
The more brazen side of me says, do I want to live in fear that I may turn around and become an alcoholic the next time I pick up a drink when I have drank and have a healthy respect for it and strong control. Or is living in abject terror of a possible impending future any healthier than the fear I learned growing up. I don't want to be someone who lives in fear, fear of the unknown, fear of what COULD happen. Isn't that exactly what spurred on half of how I feel now? Never sure how the day would go because its a 50/50 crapshoot?....
I do 100% feel confident that I'm not afraid of becoming an alcoholic. It feels more like I should feel guilty for drinking. Almost like if I drink I'm saying what my parents did was correct, that its okay. I know currently I'm hyper sensitive, I spent most of my life thinking my parents were just people who drank to have fun, (every night). Recently I have begun to see how much it affected me. I always thought I was just defective because no one around me seemed to struggle with the issues that I'm now learning are very common for ACOA's are the exact ones I had.
I have a very wise friend who reminds me often that extremes aren't the way to live, everthing in moderation. I really do feel confident it isn't a fear of impending alcoholism, I don't believe however that going from a world of ignorance of how much this affects me to a world of complete fear of alcohol is any safer. I want to have a healthy repect for it but fear is still fear and thats no way to live. I'm not sure if I'm coming across clearly, as is obvious concerning this I'm a bit muddled. Thank you very much for taking the time to answer me, and if you have anything else I would be very interested to hear it.