Hi,
It'll be two years at the end of February since my younger brother died from his alcoholism.
I think I've gone through all the emotions possible since, and I probably will do again!
The first, just after he died and I saw him were forgivness, love and sadness and an immense feeling of emptiness (I think now that was because even though I thought I'd got out of his drama I was still in it and once he'd gone I had to find other things to fill my own life)
Then there was guilt, could I have done any more? (No, I couldn't have!)
Shock came in somewhere too, I knew he was going to die and soon, and I thought I'd sort of prepared myself for it, but when it happened I still wasn't ready.
Anger was/is a big one for me. I can still get angry at him. How could he leave his son without parents? How could he leave his parents? lots of silly things too, and the biggest - Why? Just Why!
I think I stopped myself from feeling anything after a while. I think sometimes people didn't understand the same because he was my brother. I didn't go out unless I had to and I didn't keep in touch with my friends like I should have, that was one of my mistakes.
Two years on and still I can cry at the mention of his name or a memory, but I'm getting my life back on track.
I 'know' he would never have 'got better'. He would have hated a life of 'recovery' that's who he was, simple as for him!
Now, I comfort myself in thinking he's at peace at last, a peace he never would have found in life.
And now I'm working on my own peaceful life.
I still love him and miss him everyday, but he made his own choice fully aware of where he was going.