What a wonderful thread! And how interesting it is to see how we developed into the people we are! I see so many similarities in myself and many of you, and I appreciate the opportunity to tell my "story."
My mother is the child of an abusive alcoholic, and she grew up in a very poor environment. She developed a deep insecurity as a result. My father comes from a stoic German family with so many kids there was no way any of them could get individualized attention and love.
I was conceived before marriage, but this is a "secret" that continues to be hidden from me to this day. I was lied to about this as a child to "protect" me, even though I knew the truth.
I became my insecure mother's entire life. She was determined for me to be perfect so that she would be valued and accepted by my dad and his family. At the same time, she withdrew from her own family because she didn't want me exposed to her father's alcoholism. We lost contact with those relatives (and I lost my grandparents) under the guise of "protecting" me.
Because of their upbringing, my parents are not demonstrative with affection, and it took almost 40 years of my life before either of them were able to tell me they loved me, although I always knew they did. Hugs are still uncomfortable.
Because of my upbringing, I have spent most of my life trying to be perfect and do the right things. This led me to an impressive career simply to make my mother happy, even though I've always hated it. I am financially secure. I have a lovely home. I am attractive. Everything looks "perfect" like she always wanted, except...
...my relationships with men. This is the only area my mother has been unable to control, although she still tries, desperately. I married a man who swept me off my feet with attention and love--the love I never experienced at home. I honestly never knew HOW to be affectionate until he showed me. He always had a controlling streak, however, which appalled my mother from the start. He also drank more than I liked, and I tried everything to get him to stop. Over time, I became totally immersed in him, and let friends and activities that I used to enjoy go so I could focus on him and making him happy. Now, he is exhibiting signs of active alcoholism, and he is no longer able to cut down on the drinking like he did in the past when I harassed him. I recently asked him to leave because I could not deal with the alcoholism and his behavior any longer.
It was only when he left that I could see myself and what I had been doing. Oh, the denial!! So, I've been spending this time learning about codependency and alcoholism, and working on myself. I almost think I have replaced my obsessive focus on him with fixing me! This book is one that I have been reading...often. Did I mention an obsessive focus on things?? HA.
Thanks for reading!