Hi heartonmysleeve and mamaduck - welcome
I am so pleased that you have both found SR, its a great place to read, post and learn about alcoholism and how to protect yourself from its very negative effects.
Heartonmysleeve - I am married to a great provider, have been for 22 years. He works really hard - too hard sometimes. Occasionally my AH turns into the mean, hateful, snoring drunk. I have also been called names such as boring and lazy although never physically abused. Calling you names is verbal abuse and could be slowly eating away at your self esteem, without you really knowing it.
When our daughter got older, her dad started to rant and rave at her for using the tumble drier, calling her lazy. Following a particularly bad incident with her dad, she said to me that her dad had no right to verbally abuse her. Now I am a smart woman with a degree and up until hearing my daughter say those words had never even recognized that I was being verbally abused. Now I call it what it is and with the help of a psychotherapist I have been able to stand up to my AH, telling him to stop and the verbal abuse has stopped before it really gets started these days. Al-anon has also given me great tools to reduce the number of conflicts we have too, so my AH are currently living a fairly happy existence.
During the course of the past year (when I discovered SR and Al-anon) my AH, I would say has stayed the same in that he is still drinking. I have changed a lot, have many new hobbies, new friends and I lead a much happier life today because of SR and Al-anon.
You are currently treading on eggshells, nervous to come home, worried about doing the wrong thing in his eyes and I know that feeling well - its just awful and no way to live. That feeling makes me feel sick in the stomach, nervously going about your day but wondering when the trigger will come for him to flip. Honestly, I still feel this way sometimes but I am learning to not let my husbands drinking effect me and my happiness and it is something that you can learn to - if you want to stay married that is.
It is definitely not the only option and many choose to leave their AH or have no choice but to leave for their own/childrens safety and this is definitely the best route in some circumstances but for you to decide based on yours.
My close family members and a few of my very close friends know about my AH problem drinking but none of them truly 'get' what I am dealing and coping with and that's whats so good about SR and Al-anon. The feeling of relating to others because most of the time they are circumstances, uncannily similar to how we ourselves are living. This in itself is like power in numbers, learning from others mistakes, learning what some do well and some do not so well and we can gather great strength and hope from this.
Keep reading and posting and welcome once again.