So many here...just like me...

Old 01-01-2011, 04:04 PM
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Unhappy So many here...just like me...

I stumbled onto this forum by accident. I think maybe it was meant to be. There are so many women on this board just like me.

Married. 14 year old daughter. Great DH when not drinking. Great provider, good company. de...loud music...slobbering...snoring...passing out....falling down the stairs...drinking and driving (is it wrong I pray he gets pulled over?)

I hate the holidays, I hate the weekends, I hate any night I come home from work and hear the music from the outside. I know the Miller Lite is open in the house. A 30 pack in a day and a half. I love sports...but hate sporting days because it's nothing but drinking....lets start at 1 p.m. and go until we pass pacing the drinks...drink em while they are cold.

Tells me I'm fat. I'm lazy. Has a "thing" with an internet woman. Can't pass up an opportunity to drink. Someone offers liquor? I want to crawl in a hole and hide.

He's not physically abusive. But words hurt too.

I worry...will he flip out and scream tonight because I didn't do the dishes because I had to work? Or I didn't make the bed just because?

we've started counseling. As soon as the doctor got him to admit that yes, he was an alcoholic (as are all of his siblings and parents)...he quit going.

Why is it so easy to know what I need to do...but so hard to actually do it? I can't fix him. He has to do it himself. But does he even want to? I don't think so.
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Old 01-01-2011, 04:14 PM
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welcome, heartonmysleeve-

you are in good company.
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Old 01-01-2011, 04:26 PM
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Reading another poster on here talk about having a quiet NYE eating salad and cuddling with her dog made me envious. I was in the ER last night dealing with a husband who fell and hit his head while drinking.

So, yes there are so many out there just like, successful people who appear to have it all. Alcoholism affects so many of us. I have started to be more open with people about what is happening and it seems everyone I tell has their own story about an alcoholic parent, ex-spouse, sibling...
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Old 01-01-2011, 04:28 PM
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i sit here crying reading almost every thread. i am not the only one.
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Old 01-01-2011, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by heartonmysleeve View Post
i sit here crying reading almost every thread. i am not the only one.
no, honey, you are not the only one.
i am so glad you found this forum.
you will get the support and understanding that you need so much.

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Old 01-01-2011, 04:33 PM
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People think it's so easy to say just leave. It's so hard to love 2 people. The one who doesn't drink....and the one who does. I don't love the alcoholic half. I have to live with him. I love the other half. I just dont see much of him...and when I do, I'm in constant fear that the other half is just behind the fridge door....
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Old 01-01-2011, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by heartonmysleeve View Post
i sit here crying reading almost every thread. i am not the only one.
You're not alone.

I've been here for a few months now and have found that almost everyone has the same story. The same script. I was with my ABF for almost 5 years and felt so alone. It's been nice to read that I'm not completely insane!
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Old 01-01-2011, 04:50 PM
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I found this site today as well as you did, and I do think it was meant to be because not only do I already feel like I am making progress with my own personal needs, I feel like I can help myself more now that there is support and people out there. I didn't fully come to terms with my boyfriends addiction until after last night (new years) a week after he had told me that he was going to stop drinking and what do you know, he just continues on doing it.
I'm so glad I found this site and I hope things start to get better for everyone.
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Old 01-01-2011, 05:45 PM
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F and F tonight

Everyone should try to go to chat at 9 pm Eastern time tonight. I hope we are meeting even though it is a holiday. Click on chat room and go to F and F
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Old 01-01-2011, 05:51 PM
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It's so hard to love 2 people.
Since entering my Recovery, I have had to really examine my definition of Love. I have had to redefine it and I have witnessed it being redefined for me by relating with a person who had no alcohol or drug addiction.

to SR.
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Old 01-01-2011, 11:48 PM
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Welcome Heartonmysleeve. You're right, you were meant to "stumble" onto this forum. Welcome also MamaDuck...
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Old 01-02-2011, 01:30 AM
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Welcome to heartonmysleeve and mamaduck

you are not alone. and this is a great place to learn.

To refer to your post - he is one and the same person drinking or not. Hold on tight- here you will gain knowledge , get comfort and gain strength.

Hugs x
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Old 01-02-2011, 02:07 AM
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Know where you are coming from. You might want to check out Al Anon or go to counseling on your own to develop a strategy for handling the problem. Create some new friendships of your own. Maybe join some local hobby clubs to make new friends because the moral support will really help. At some point you are going to have to draw a line in the sand where you say I will tolerate this no more and that you will only stay if your spouse takes certain steps. You can't be expected to stay in a situation where your security is jepardized. Offer the person you love the opportunity to be better, go with to AA meetings/counseling, and if your spouse won't, well, really it is on them. Don't expect immediate results, but don't sacrifice your life to enable a drunk. No one expects you to do that.
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:18 AM
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Hi heartonmysleeve and mamaduck - welcome

I am so pleased that you have both found SR, its a great place to read, post and learn about alcoholism and how to protect yourself from its very negative effects.

Heartonmysleeve - I am married to a great provider, have been for 22 years. He works really hard - too hard sometimes. Occasionally my AH turns into the mean, hateful, snoring drunk. I have also been called names such as boring and lazy although never physically abused. Calling you names is verbal abuse and could be slowly eating away at your self esteem, without you really knowing it.

When our daughter got older, her dad started to rant and rave at her for using the tumble drier, calling her lazy. Following a particularly bad incident with her dad, she said to me that her dad had no right to verbally abuse her. Now I am a smart woman with a degree and up until hearing my daughter say those words had never even recognized that I was being verbally abused. Now I call it what it is and with the help of a psychotherapist I have been able to stand up to my AH, telling him to stop and the verbal abuse has stopped before it really gets started these days. Al-anon has also given me great tools to reduce the number of conflicts we have too, so my AH are currently living a fairly happy existence.

During the course of the past year (when I discovered SR and Al-anon) my AH, I would say has stayed the same in that he is still drinking. I have changed a lot, have many new hobbies, new friends and I lead a much happier life today because of SR and Al-anon.

You are currently treading on eggshells, nervous to come home, worried about doing the wrong thing in his eyes and I know that feeling well - its just awful and no way to live. That feeling makes me feel sick in the stomach, nervously going about your day but wondering when the trigger will come for him to flip. Honestly, I still feel this way sometimes but I am learning to not let my husbands drinking effect me and my happiness and it is something that you can learn to - if you want to stay married that is.

It is definitely not the only option and many choose to leave their AH or have no choice but to leave for their own/childrens safety and this is definitely the best route in some circumstances but for you to decide based on yours.

My close family members and a few of my very close friends know about my AH problem drinking but none of them truly 'get' what I am dealing and coping with and that's whats so good about SR and Al-anon. The feeling of relating to others because most of the time they are circumstances, uncannily similar to how we ourselves are living. This in itself is like power in numbers, learning from others mistakes, learning what some do well and some do not so well and we can gather great strength and hope from this.

Keep reading and posting and welcome once again.
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:46 AM
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Hello Heartonmysleeve,

Just wanted to tell you that I sooooooooo relate to much of what you posted when my RAH was in his active alcoholism. You are among people who have experienced your struggles. You are not alone! Welcome & great big hugs to you!
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:03 AM
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Welcome! This site has been so helpful for me as well! I am learning so much from people with so much experience & strength. Our individual stories might be a little different, but we share so much in terms of the impact alcohol addiction has had on our minds, bodies, & souls. Everyone's stories give me hope!

I am married to an A for 10 years, together about 14, separated about a year & a half (working to move back together). He is now a week shy of 10 months sober. I feel like I need this support now more than ever because *I* have no more excuses about working on my own self. I have been deeply affected by alcoholism & now that I am not focusing on my husband's drinking, I realize I have much work to do on myself! (I am the daughter of an AF, though my father has been "dry" (sober) most of my life. The combination of a sober, dry,codie father & untreated alanon, codie mother is difficult, even though I didn't grow up with much active alcoholism.

Nice to meet you here MamaDuck & Heartonmysleeve! We are not alone here!
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Old 01-02-2011, 09:16 AM
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You definetly are not alone. I don't know your family situation, but I do know that those of us who come from families of addicts we seem to be able to find them in abundance in our adult relationships.
You saying being in love with the provider and lover and hateing the other is sooo familiar. When I was 18 I married a man who was so strong proud and in my eyes perfect except.....when he drank. It seemed that he was a totally different person as if the booze had hidden the man i loved behind those angry glazed over eyes. I mean literally he did not look himself. but sober he was sooo good and our lives were (dare I say) perfect!
I have not a single answer for you or great pearls of wisdom. I know from experience in your AH's mind there is no problem because he doesn't drink daily and only drinks when "he" wants to. that was what I was up against as well. All I can say is keep trying but don't let his Mr. Hide words and actions be permanent guests in your thoughts.
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:55 AM
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same planet...different world
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Old 01-02-2011, 11:09 AM
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Rising from the Ashes
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heartonmysleeve, I found SR when I was doing an internet surf on dry drunk syndome. It was through the posts on SR that I have realized that my DDH has been verbally and psychologically abusing me. My DDH has an additive personality so even though he stopped drinking he has maintained traits that makes him more susceptible to addictions.

The following is an excerpt from Al-Anon/Alateen - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
SR is based upon the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon. Al-Anon/Alateen, known as Al-Anon Family Groups, is an international "fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems." They "help families of alcoholics by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic." Al-Anon adapted the Twelve Steps from Alcoholics Anonymous replacing 'alcoholics' with 'others' in the last step, Step 12. The Al-Anon and Alateen literature focuses on problems common to family members and friends of alcoholics (e.g., loyalty to those who are abusive, excessive care-taking, inability to differentiate love and pity) rather than the problems of the alcoholic.

Al-Anon meetings may begin with the Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome (depending on each autonomous group) which starts out:

We welcome you to the __________________ Al-Anon Family Group and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy. We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

Al-Anon acknowledges that members begin with low self-esteem, but teaches that this is largely a side-effect of unrealistically overestimating their personal agency and control. Specifically this is in relation to member's attempts to control another person's drinking behavior and, when they fail, blaming themselves for the other person's behavior. As family members of alcoholics learn to recognize the pathologies in their families, assign the responsibility of those pathologies to a disease, forgive themselves, accept that they were adversely affected by the pathologies, and ultimately learn to accept their family member's shortcomings, they begin to improve.

Al-Anon was formed in 1951 by Lois Wilson, wife of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) co-founder Bill Wilson. She recognized the need for such an organization as family members living with AA members began to identify their own pathologies associated with their family members' alcoholism.

In Lois's Story, she explained why, as the spouse of an alcoholic, she also required treatment.

"After a while I began to wonder why I was not as happy as I ought to be, since the one thing I had been yearning for all my married life [Bill's sobriety] had come to pass. Then one Sunday, Bill asked me if I was ready to go to the meeting with him. To my own astonishment as well as his, I burst forth with "Damn your old meetings!" and threw a shoe as hard as I could. This surprising display of temper over nothing pulled me up short and made me start to analyze my own attitudes. ......My life's purpose of sobering up Bill, which had made me feel desperately needed, had vanished. ... I decided to strive for my own spiritual growth. I used the same principles as he did to learn how to change my attitudes. ..... We began to learn that ...... the partner of the alcoholic also needed to live by a spiritual program."— Lois Wilson , Lois's Story in How Al-Anon Works

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,
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Old 01-02-2011, 01:44 PM
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Welcome, Heartonmysleeve...

You have found a wonderful forum. SR and Al Anon have helped me so much in my journey through the muck that is loving an alcoholic.

Keep reading and posting, there is so much support, and wisdom here.

Take care of you.
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