When I let my thinking just roam around on it's own, it will go to using/drinking almost always. But if I say a mantra throughout the day such as, your will - not mine or pray for the knowledge of "his" will and the power to carry that out - I seem to be safe.
For that last 10 days, my mind has been freely roaming and then it got creative (good one) - and like Bulldog said, God stopped me this time with angels in blue jeans...haha (I like that, Carol) but I might not get another chance.
So I think I will stick with what was working for me and that is just to pray to whatever/whoever is "out there" listening.
There was a young girl (a newcomer) in the meeting last night when I pitched my fit and stormed out. It broke my heart all day thinking about her and what damage I might have caused her.
Tonight she was back in the meeting and her mother came with her. After the meeting I apologized to her and told her that I prayed I didn't scare her off.
She said that we all go through periods like that and that she is going to be coming back. I told her that I would keep my eye out for her until she feels comfortable.
I talked to the sponsor that I recently let go and asked if she would please sponsor me and she said of course she would. She knows my history with sponsors, so I feel good about working with her.
We start working together next weekend.
Thank you to all who have taken the time to read and respond to my ramblings. I have been writing a lot lately; I know it's a lot to get through.
Happy New Year!!!
Originally Posted by
Toronto68 
Nacona, thanks for updating, I was wondering. The only thing I can see is that in your thought patterns leading up to yesterday you must have been pulled closer and closer until the creative
ideas started coming together - the justification for the Oxy and all that.
I wouldn't have been too pleased with the way you were acting if I had been there, hearing that at the meeting, but I think it's a really big thing to put it all down here, and I'm happy with that.
I'll be honest in saying I am not all that clear on what the spiritual awakening really is. I mean, I understand the concept, but come on: really, what it is. I thought I had one of my own on my own path, which does not use AA, but I am not so sure of that nowadays, when I look at my own issues. But I know that is what some people will have in their minds when they read this, and they're going to say "Which Step are you on?" or "Start doing the Steps if you haven't already."
I still don't know whether you were feeling guilty about taking the extra Vicodin pills and allowing that to mushroom into more types of negative thinking and then drop into the alternative thinking about other substances or what. Part of me imagines that that is how it all got started. I even wondered whether the concern over what day we are on in sobriety is what got you freaking out and then that escalated things even more. Maybe there needs to be less looking at which day you are on and just stay on today over and over. Who knows?
All I know is I am glad you are capable of being honest and moving forward and not downward. Keep going!