Okay - here's the truth of what I did
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Okay - here's the truth of what I did
Last night after reading replies to my post about maybe having to start counting my days over.....I went into the f*ck-its and said to myself, if I have to start my days over then I am going to snort some Oxy tonight. None of the posts made me want to use at all - I was "reading between the lines" and read that you all wanted me to start over....omg how did I come to THAT conclusion? No one said that.
I put in a text to someone who could get me some. He is new in the program too and from his shares I know he has connections on this mountain.
He text me back - 4reals? I said YES. If I am going to count over then I am going to do something that I have never done and that I was curious about.
He said to meet him at the 7pm AA meeting.
I went to the meeting just knowing that he would have the pills. I went into the room and sat down - I was sweating and shaking in anticipation of using - but he wasn't there.
Well, he's scoring the drugs right now, I thought. He showed up 10 minutes later and as he was passing me on his way to get coffee, I held out my hand and mouthed - give me the pills. He just held my hand for a second and went on his way.
The message in the AA room was about people who think they can control their using/drinking and going back out there AGAIN and how it breaks their hearts watching this. I started crying and left the meeting 10 minutes early. He followed me.
I said do you have the drugs and he said, Hell no and we are going to an NA meeting RIGHT NOW - I am not letting you out of my sight.
We drove down a block to the NA meeting.
I sat down and listened to a 20-year old kid with 70 days of clean time share that he just can't go back to the lonliness and suicidal thoughts he had 70 days ago.
I shared next and said that you must be the reason Ben dragged me here cuz that's how I feel too. I just CAN'T do it. I then shared about taking 2 vicodin instead of the prescribed 1 and how I thought that I had to count my days over and that I was looking for Oxys to snort. I was crying and the kid got up, went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper to give to me to wipe my eyes.
The next man who shared, shared AT ME and said YOU have to make a decision - I've seen you in and out of here for years - and that was it.....I yelled at him and said I DID MAKE A DECISION 101 DAYS AGO THAT'S WHY I'M F*UCKING IN HERE!!! and if you don't stop right now I am walking out. He didn't stop and I walked out.....like a 12 year old.
My "oxy" friend followed me out of that meeting too. I cried so hard on his shoulders and then went to get into my Jeep and he said, what the Hell are you doing? I said going home. He said NOPE - you have to go back in there.
I was mortified. How the Hell can I go back in there after I just made a scene and yelled at John? He said we will walk in together. So we did.
I was so uncomfortable...I wanted to die. After about 10 minutes, I said - I'm Teri and I'm an addict. I'm so sorry that I acted like a child and walked out and I'm sorry I yelled at you John.
The meeting ended and the kid who got me the tissue came up and hugged me and talked to me for several minutes and then asked for a ride. We talked some more and he is going to meet me at tonight's meeting with some books that he think I might like.
So - this is me. I am a freaking child in a woman's body.
I have had some calls and texts this morning asking how I am and I am embarrassed, but I am not drinking or using nor do I feel the urge. I am so freaking thankful that I did NOT use and that God put you people and last night's people on my path.
I have 102 days today.
I put in a text to someone who could get me some. He is new in the program too and from his shares I know he has connections on this mountain.
He text me back - 4reals? I said YES. If I am going to count over then I am going to do something that I have never done and that I was curious about.
He said to meet him at the 7pm AA meeting.
I went to the meeting just knowing that he would have the pills. I went into the room and sat down - I was sweating and shaking in anticipation of using - but he wasn't there.
Well, he's scoring the drugs right now, I thought. He showed up 10 minutes later and as he was passing me on his way to get coffee, I held out my hand and mouthed - give me the pills. He just held my hand for a second and went on his way.
The message in the AA room was about people who think they can control their using/drinking and going back out there AGAIN and how it breaks their hearts watching this. I started crying and left the meeting 10 minutes early. He followed me.
I said do you have the drugs and he said, Hell no and we are going to an NA meeting RIGHT NOW - I am not letting you out of my sight.
We drove down a block to the NA meeting.
I sat down and listened to a 20-year old kid with 70 days of clean time share that he just can't go back to the lonliness and suicidal thoughts he had 70 days ago.
I shared next and said that you must be the reason Ben dragged me here cuz that's how I feel too. I just CAN'T do it. I then shared about taking 2 vicodin instead of the prescribed 1 and how I thought that I had to count my days over and that I was looking for Oxys to snort. I was crying and the kid got up, went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper to give to me to wipe my eyes.
The next man who shared, shared AT ME and said YOU have to make a decision - I've seen you in and out of here for years - and that was it.....I yelled at him and said I DID MAKE A DECISION 101 DAYS AGO THAT'S WHY I'M F*UCKING IN HERE!!! and if you don't stop right now I am walking out. He didn't stop and I walked out.....like a 12 year old.
My "oxy" friend followed me out of that meeting too. I cried so hard on his shoulders and then went to get into my Jeep and he said, what the Hell are you doing? I said going home. He said NOPE - you have to go back in there.
I was mortified. How the Hell can I go back in there after I just made a scene and yelled at John? He said we will walk in together. So we did.
I was so uncomfortable...I wanted to die. After about 10 minutes, I said - I'm Teri and I'm an addict. I'm so sorry that I acted like a child and walked out and I'm sorry I yelled at you John.
The meeting ended and the kid who got me the tissue came up and hugged me and talked to me for several minutes and then asked for a ride. We talked some more and he is going to meet me at tonight's meeting with some books that he think I might like.
So - this is me. I am a freaking child in a woman's body.
I have had some calls and texts this morning asking how I am and I am embarrassed, but I am not drinking or using nor do I feel the urge. I am so freaking thankful that I did NOT use and that God put you people and last night's people on my path.
I have 102 days today.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Wow, that was some tough love. But let's see...
- Regardless of how they may have come off, these people probably did have your best interests at heart.
- You're a "child?" Then SR is one big day care.
- There's no shame in people whipping us a little. We get the whump on the head when we start straying, and in turn we whump others. I usually avoid recovery cliches, but I like "it's a we program."
Hope this bump turns into something positive for you, I know you can grow with this. And thank you for the honesty, that's something everyone can benefit from.
- Regardless of how they may have come off, these people probably did have your best interests at heart.
- You're a "child?" Then SR is one big day care.
- There's no shame in people whipping us a little. We get the whump on the head when we start straying, and in turn we whump others. I usually avoid recovery cliches, but I like "it's a we program."
Hope this bump turns into something positive for you, I know you can grow with this. And thank you for the honesty, that's something everyone can benefit from.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
wow. So glad your friend had your back, that is awesome!
It is really strange you posted this. .. when i was 101 days sober (alcohol), i almost threw it away. I wanted to drink so badly that day. I am lucky someone had my back that day as well. I am not 210 days sober, Jan. 5 will be 7 months. I am so happy I didn't throw it away that day.
Hug.
It is really strange you posted this. .. when i was 101 days sober (alcohol), i almost threw it away. I wanted to drink so badly that day. I am lucky someone had my back that day as well. I am not 210 days sober, Jan. 5 will be 7 months. I am so happy I didn't throw it away that day.
Hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by Isaiah 
Wow, that was some tough love. But let's see...
- Regardless of how they may have come off, these people probably did have your best interests at heart.
- You're a "child?" Then SR is one big day care.
- There's no shame in people whipping us a little. We get the whump on the head when we start straying, and in turn we whump others. I usually avoid recovery cliches, but I like "it's a we program."
Hope this bump turns into something positive for you, I know you can grow with this. And thank you for the honesty, that's something everyone can benefit from.
- Regardless of how they may have come off, these people probably did have your best interests at heart.
- You're a "child?" Then SR is one big day care.
- There's no shame in people whipping us a little. We get the whump on the head when we start straying, and in turn we whump others. I usually avoid recovery cliches, but I like "it's a we program."
Hope this bump turns into something positive for you, I know you can grow with this. And thank you for the honesty, that's something everyone can benefit from.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by GettingStronger2
wow. So glad your friend had your back, that is awesome!
It is really strange you posted this. .. when i was 101 days sober (alcohol), i almost threw it away. I wanted to drink so badly that day. I am lucky someone had my back that day as well. I am not 210 days sober, Jan. 5 will be 7 months. I am so happy I didn't throw it away that day.
Hug.
It is really strange you posted this. .. when i was 101 days sober (alcohol), i almost threw it away. I wanted to drink so badly that day. I am lucky someone had my back that day as well. I am not 210 days sober, Jan. 5 will be 7 months. I am so happy I didn't throw it away that day.
Hug.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Definitely. I still write the number on each day on my calendar. No reason to, but i like to see it for now. I remember that day so clearly -- staring at the 101 I had written down. . .so happy I got to write 102 the next day instead of 1!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by GettingStronger2
Definitely. I still write the number on each day on my calendar. No reason to, but i like to see it for now. I remember that day so clearly -- staring at the 101 I had written down. . .so happy I got to write 102 the next day instead of 1!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by nacona
This post made me feel slugged in the stomach.....OMG I am SO SO thankful that today is NOT number 1 - so so thankful.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
i'm really confused. what really triggered this?!
if someone in AA or out...whatever...... told me i only had 24 hours based on what you did or didn't do over your original prescription...then so f ucking what?! it dosen't matter a good G damn what anyone thinks or feels about my sobriety...i have to live with me. all this over some stupid number?
sigh....
the bottom line was you wanted an excuse to go and lash out at yourself and everyone around you and God stopped you. you might not get another chance.
i think the bigger question is why were you willing to relapse?...maybe lose your life in the proccess, and do such profound damage to all of the people who love you- over a simple stupid number?!
I hope you find the answer to that question.
I'm glad you made it back without using.
if someone in AA or out...whatever...... told me i only had 24 hours based on what you did or didn't do over your original prescription...then so f ucking what?! it dosen't matter a good G damn what anyone thinks or feels about my sobriety...i have to live with me. all this over some stupid number?
sigh....
the bottom line was you wanted an excuse to go and lash out at yourself and everyone around you and God stopped you. you might not get another chance.
i think the bigger question is why were you willing to relapse?...maybe lose your life in the proccess, and do such profound damage to all of the people who love you- over a simple stupid number?!
I hope you find the answer to that question.
I'm glad you made it back without using.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by Mark75
Glad you are here, nacona, keep posting...
Do you have a sponsor? On that you can trust and "has what you want"?
Do you have a sponsor? On that you can trust and "has what you want"?
I felt like a liar even though she said it was okay. Turns out that she was one of those ego-driven sponsors who count the number of sponsees she has as her badge of honor. She was the convention chair that year and "got to" introduce her sponsee (me) as having one full year....yay for her.
I drank/used shortly after that.
I tried to get sober/clean several times in between that time and 2008 (had several sponsors who didn't even crack open the BB and just wanted to gossip or tell me their problems) when I met the most PERFECT sponsor who got me to step 5 and 14 months clean/sober.
She was working at the same detox center as my BF and proceeded to tell him my whole 4th step and he shared all of the private stuff I told him about her.....ick
I started using/drinking at 14 months clean/sober and it's been 15 MORE months of trying to get back into the program and today I have 102 days and do not have a sponsor.
It's not so much that I have deep dark secrets that I don't want shared, it's the betrayal that almost killed me. Betrayal by him and her. Needless to say neither one of them have been in my life for the past 15 months plus 102 days...haha
I did ask one woman to sponsor me when I was 60 days clean/sober but I was dragging my feet and finally realized that I don't want ANOTHER "enemy" on this small mountain. So, I am thinking of going down the hill to another town to look for one, but I am dragging my feet on that as well.
I might just keep the one I asked and work with her as she does know the BB and I see her trying to work the steps in all aspects of her life and I love that.
So that's my sponsor story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by BullDog777
i'm really confused. what really triggered this?!
if someone in AA or out...whatever...... told me i only had 24 hours based on what you did or didn't do over your original prescription...then so f ucking what?! it dosen't matter a good G damn what anyone thinks or feels about my sobriety...i have to live with me. all this over some stupid number?
sigh....
the bottom line was you wanted an excuse to go and lash out at yourself and everyone around you and God stopped you. you might not get another chance.
i think the bigger question is why were you willing to relapse?...maybe lose your life in the proccess, and do such profound damage to all of the people who love you- over a simple stupid number?!
I hope you find the answer to that question.
I'm glad you made it back without using.
if someone in AA or out...whatever...... told me i only had 24 hours based on what you did or didn't do over your original prescription...then so f ucking what?! it dosen't matter a good G damn what anyone thinks or feels about my sobriety...i have to live with me. all this over some stupid number?
sigh....
the bottom line was you wanted an excuse to go and lash out at yourself and everyone around you and God stopped you. you might not get another chance.
i think the bigger question is why were you willing to relapse?...maybe lose your life in the proccess, and do such profound damage to all of the people who love you- over a simple stupid number?!
I hope you find the answer to that question.
I'm glad you made it back without using.
I do KNOW that around the time I started taking the Vicodin on December 20th I stopped praying. And maybe without God in my life, I seek approval from others....who knows. I have a lot to think about and thank you for pointing this out.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,911
I'm glad you made it through the night. It sounds like you have a good friend that will help you stay sober. Remember this, and some day down the road you should pay that debt back by helping somebody else stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
You know, I wonder a little bit, since you are here asking...
What does sober time really matter? Does it matter what another thinks about the validity of that time? Depends.
Is that sober time built on honesty and truth... and only you can answer that. And my next question may make me a little unpopular here amongst those who have posted... And I am NOT taking away from your success thus far...
Do you see a connection between not being totally transparent and forthcoming with your doctor regarding your history with vicoden... your over use of it (over use... yes... abuse??... only you know that nacona....) ... and your near full blown relapse...
I don't have an opinion regarding your sober time... But I do have some heartfelt and genuine concern regarding the other, much more important, issues....
Mark
What does sober time really matter? Does it matter what another thinks about the validity of that time? Depends.
Is that sober time built on honesty and truth... and only you can answer that. And my next question may make me a little unpopular here amongst those who have posted... And I am NOT taking away from your success thus far...
Do you see a connection between not being totally transparent and forthcoming with your doctor regarding your history with vicoden... your over use of it (over use... yes... abuse??... only you know that nacona....) ... and your near full blown relapse...
I don't have an opinion regarding your sober time... But I do have some heartfelt and genuine concern regarding the other, much more important, issues....
Mark
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I think you are remarkably strong, not a child...although i do love Isiah's analogy...of SR being on big Daycare Center....I'm sure Anna, Dee and the other mods are very flattered with their new titles of babysitters...they certainly mop up enough after all of us.
Buy yourself a pretty calendar for 2011...and write on it every day.
The Phuckitts are relentless..but you locked them out, good going....now rest your back and take the spine classes and PT..don't overdo to cause more physical pain.
P.S....your avatar looks like my big 14 yearold Maine Coon boy "Slim" who weighs in at about 20-22# these days.....he takes up 1/2 of the kitchen table, his front feet are the size of teaspoons.
Buy yourself a pretty calendar for 2011...and write on it every day.
The Phuckitts are relentless..but you locked them out, good going....now rest your back and take the spine classes and PT..don't overdo to cause more physical pain.
P.S....your avatar looks like my big 14 yearold Maine Coon boy "Slim" who weighs in at about 20-22# these days.....he takes up 1/2 of the kitchen table, his front feet are the size of teaspoons.
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