Nacona, thanks for updating, I was wondering. The only thing I can see is that in your thought patterns leading up to yesterday you must have been pulled closer and closer until the creative ideas started coming together - the justification for the Oxy and all that.
I wouldn't have been too pleased with the way you were acting if I had been there, hearing that at the meeting, but I think it's a really big thing to put it all down here, and I'm happy with that.
I'll be honest in saying I am not all that clear on what the spiritual awakening really is. I mean, I understand the concept, but come on: really, what it is. I thought I had one of my own on my own path, which does not use AA, but I am not so sure of that nowadays, when I look at my own issues. But I know that is what some people will have in their minds when they read this, and they're going to say "Which Step are you on?" or "Start doing the Steps if you haven't already."
I still don't know whether you were feeling guilty about taking the extra Vicodin pills and allowing that to mushroom into more types of negative thinking and then drop into the alternative thinking about other substances or what. Part of me imagines that that is how it all got started. I even wondered whether the concern over what day we are on in sobriety is what got you freaking out and then that escalated things even more. Maybe there needs to be less looking at which day you are on and just stay on today over and over. Who knows?
All I know is I am glad you are capable of being honest and moving forward and not downward. Keep going!