phlegmatic, I suggest you start journaling about your healing process as you work on your recovery of your codependency. Healing always begins with recognizing the problem, and earning knowledge about your codependency. Start your journal by answering essential questions about yourself. Developing an understanding of the roots of your codependency can provide a foundation for your healing. However, as wonderful as insight and knowledge can be, they, alone, will not heal your pain nor provide you the healing necessary for changing codependent behaviors and patterns.
Simply codependency is loss of self and anything that contributes to your loss of self is codependency. When an individual has a loss of self it is with this emptiness that you meet life. Loss of self creates a learned helplessness and you are less able to meet life on life's terms. There is less of you to deal with life and life requires all of you to meet it 'head-on.' Codependent dynamics hinder you from thinking your own thoughts and feeling your own feelings. Codependency is real, and it exists within self and within relationships. When there is not enough of you for you, surely there cannot be enough of you to share with someone else.
Codependency recovery invites building a sense of self. Recovery includes building self esteem for yourself, and not over function in your relationships. Recovery is about regaining your personal power that was lost in the dynamics of codependent relationships. It is about feeling empowered to live one's life without the need of approval, the fear of abandonment, of being preoccupied with pleasing others, about caring too much, and in general overfunctioning in relationships. Recovery is claiming back self. Needs, wants, and feelings can begin to be identified and communicated as you move toward less codependent relationships.
Communication skills, self-esteem building and improving how you manage stress will, also, be areas that will need addressed in your codependency recovery. These "tools" will assist in regaining one's own sense of self that was lost in codependent relationships. You get to find your voice by examining who you are and clarifying your needs and wants. You say "yes" when you mean "yes" and "no" when you mean "no." Stress management requires positive coping skills and that requires you to have a strong sense of self. When sense of self is stronger you have better coping skills and can manage the stress in your life.
Learning detachment with love will assist and be your mainstay in your recovery. Detaching is about learning to balance self in relationship with others. Detaching allows an emotional space to open, creating the opportunity for less dependency in relationships. It will be in this new space that one can begin to develop a sense of "who am I?"
In addition to the journal, attending Ala-Non meetings and posting on SR facilitates the healing process. Try to find the name of a psychotherapist who specializes in addictions and has an understanding of codependency.
Just my personal opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix